Real Life of a Stepmom

"Hurting People Hurt Others"

When I still lived in Florida, I would often drive and listen to Joyce Meyer in the mornings.  In one of her messages where she was talking about mean, unkind people she made the comment that “hurting people hurt others.”  That really struck me and I started to think about the truth behind that.  My first thoughts went to my husband’s ex-wife because she is someone who, unfortunately, always seems to do something “mean”.  It brought into perspective for me that for this woman to be so consumed with trying to hurt others, she must really be hurting deep down as well.  Pushing my sarcastic self aside that wanted to say, “what could she possible be hurting about with all of the financial devastation she has caused us?”, I decided to really think about her from an empathetic perspective.  While I certainly don’t know for sure what her “hurt” is, I could guess a few of them are: living with the constant reminder that her “indiscretion” led to her sons not having a father around on a daily basis, having to be a mother and a father when the boys were with her, not having a man around to lead her in finances, parenting, etc., realizing that short-term gratification has long-term consequences a little too late, etc.  Maybe I am completely off base…maybe these are some of the things I am just hoping she thinks about.  Perhaps she is only hurt because she never thought her husband would leave her under any circumstance and she feels abandoned.  That could easily be the case.  The point for me in all this is simply: a happy person doesn’t go around hurting others.  Which got me to thinking….

I consider myself a “happy” person yet, I would be lying to you if I didn’t admit that there have been times when I have been hurting about something and whether consciously or subconsciously, have hurt others.  Think about it; if you’re honest with yourself, you’ve been there too.  Like the time you had a headache, backache or some other physical pain and your temper was short and you inadvertently took it out on your spouse or kids.  Or how about the time where you had a bad day at work and were feeling emotionally hurt from being unappreciated and once again, took it out on someone else at home.  I started to examine my actions when I am feeling hurt regardless of the source of the hurt, and I am very convicted by my selfishness and acting as if the world just revolves around me. I feel awful for how I have redirected some of my hurt and will make it a conscious effort to be more aware of doing this next time. 

What I really learned (once again) by thinking about this phrase was that I can only change myself.  I can’t change my husband’s ex-wife and what she does and how she treats people.  BUT, I can change how I view her behavior.  Instead of reacting and falling into the same thought pattern about her, I can respond more compassionately realizing that she is coming from a place of “hurt”.  Whether that hurt she carries around is justified or unjustified is not for me to say. 

We Did It, But Not Alone

Haven’t had a chance to write since my last posting, but all I have to say is, “we did it”, but it was not through our strength alone.  For the first time in 3 ½ years, we all attended an event together – in this case, my younger stepson’s graduation from high school.  AND, I have to say, all thanks to God, it was a pleasant experience.

After how upset my biological son was at the thought of having to see my husband’s ex-wife and my mind not wanting to forget all of the mean and vindictive things that she has done over the years, I turned to prayer.  I knew in my conscious mind that I had forgiven her because she no longer took residence in my mind throughout the day.  However, I knew that the truth of whether I had really forgiven was going to be tested at this event.  To say the words, “Love thy neighbor as thyself” isn’t so hard when it’s just you alone in a room, but to face someone who has for all intents and purposes acted as your enemy over the years was another story.  I knew that this was not something I could do alone.  I knew that only through prayer for God’s supernatural grace would I be able to get through this and continue to move forward. 

I can attest to the fact that God answered my prayers.  Not only was I able to attend this event and sit 3 feet from her for 3 hours, but for most of that time, I forgot she was even there because I was enjoying the ceremony.  I know this was not of my doing because NEVER in the 14 years I have known her has it been easy to be in her proximity for many reasons.  Even beyond that, when she invited us to join them for dinner, I agreed and we all did that.  Let me tell you, that was a FIRST.  Never, in all these years have we celebrated some occasion for either of the boys all together.  The most heartwarming thing about it was knowing how happy it made them to have both their mother and father together at the same time to celebrate such an occasion.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying everything is perfect and now we all live happily ever after.  Look, during the dinner there were several instances where she had to “trump” me and explain things for “my benefit” pertaining to things about the boys growing up as if I just came on the scene today.  Yes, I can tell you it is irritating; but much less irritating.  As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for her that she has to act like that to feel important.

I talked with my husband a couple of months ago and told him that I don’t want to feel like just a guest at the weddings when our boys get married.  I want to know who they are marrying and what their dreams and goals are.  I want to be a family despite how impossible it can seem at times. I think this was a good start for us.

"I Made Up My Mind I Don't Like Her"

Well, guess what?  Today I could tell you that I am really feeling the same way.  Another court date, another continuation…will it ever end?  Even my husband’s attorney came back and said that she and her attorney are being nothing but vindictive.  And guess what, there’s nothing we can do about it. 

 

These situations are made that much harder when your 8 year-old starts asking questions about his brothers’ mom and why they stopped coming to visit when he was 5 except on special occasions.  I am caught between wanting my little boy to just be a little boy and telling him the harsh reality of what happens in a lot of situations when a couple gets divorced and has children.  I owe him the truth and explain it to him as simply as I am able.  Of course, any person with a heart would feel disdain towards this person who has tried to make our lives miserable, so when your 8 year-old says he doesn’t like her, what do you do?  I asked him “Why?” And he came back with, “I just made up my mind I don’t like her.”  I tried to explain to him that you can’t just go around not liking people and that is not who he is.  You may not like what they do, but you can’t put it on the entire person.  His face was still fixed and his mind was made up.  The only thing that made him soften was this question, “How would you feel if one of your brothers said that they didn’t like me?”  His eyes got big and he said, “I wouldn’t like it.”  I am hoping that he will think about this a little bit since I will have to revisit it next week.  That’s when we will probably see her for the first time in 3 ½ years....

Beware of "Professional" Advice

In this day and age, when we have problems that arise, it is not unusual to seek counseling.  There is nothing wrong with doing that, however, I have to caution you to make sure you find a counselor aligned with your beliefs – especially from a spiritual standpoint.  That is not to say that you can’t get help from someone who doesn’t practice your faith; it just means that you may be given advice that does not align with your belief system and it can end up having a detrimental effect on your family.

 

Speaking from personal experience, when we were having difficulties in the relationship with our stepsons about 4 years ago, we decided on family counseling.  The counselor was a nice guy, but mistake number one is that we are a Christian family and we should’ve sought a Christian counselor.  We took the advice of this professional despite the feelings that we had that some of the things didn’t sit right with us.  (Obviously, God was prodding us to listen to Him, not the counselor, but we made the wrong choice here).  I will give you two examples.  First, when my husband was approached for the job that would take him across the country and away from his family, when he would stop and think about leaving his family, he would cry.  It was especially difficult for him to leave my younger stepson.  He would just weep at the thought of leaving him behind at just shy of 15 years old.  Well, obviously when we had a counseling session without the boys, this topic was discussed.  The counselor told my husband that he shouldn’t feel badly about leaving.  He went on to say that “…at this age, he has developed the coping mechanisms he needs and he will be fine.”  I guess maybe that’s what my husband wanted to hear so that he could take the job without guilt, but that was never the case.  Our son needed his dad many times to get him through things and my husband suffered terribly with the separation.  The second example I can give you affected me directly.  My husband’s ex-wife was making it increasingly difficult for me to have a relationship with my stepsons.  It seemed that the older they got, the more she manipulated them into staying away from our house unless their dad was there.  So, one day I went to the counselor by myself and brought up this issue.  I told him that it is becoming worse as time goes on.  His rationale for it was this: “the maternal instinct is so strong that any threat can cause a mother to act defensively.”  I left that session feeling once again like the outcast and based on what the counselor told me, I concluded that with her “maternal instinct right”, I would have to basically concede to her every time because she was, for all intents and purposes, “better” that me because they were her sons and not mine.  Let me tell you how dangerous this advice was.  It took me well over 3 years to have God bring me to my senses.  One day when I was watching my biological son and experiencing that feeling of overwhelming love for him, I thought of my stepsons and how much I love them and miss them.  I also thought about how blessed I am for anyone that comes into my son’s life that showers love on him and spends time with him.  Then it clicked.  What was that counselor talking about???  A maternal instinct is not isolated to the biological mother for her birth children.  After all, why would anyone foster or adopt children if that is how it worked?  I felt the maternal instinct for all of my children.  What the counselor failed to help me with was that I was a perceived threat to her.  In her insecurity she probably was scared that her boys would love me more.  I was and am not any threat to the boys.  It took 3 years for me to wake up to the truth of the matter.

 

Bottom line:  seeking counseling can be a good thing, just make sure you choose the right counselor.

I Miss My Son

O.K. Maybe I should technically say “stepson”, but as I’ve written in the past, I really consider both of them my sons.  Yesterday was my younger son’s 18^th birthday.  It was the first birthday in the last 14 years that I haven’t celebrated with him.  We are almost 3,000 miles away and that makes it pretty impossible and it pretty much breaks my heart.  I know that it is hard on a dad too, but I think for moms it is harder.  My son and I left him a happy birthday message on the way to school yesterday morning.  After we hung up, I thought, “I really have to get home early enough to bake his cake and decorate it.”  Then, I realized I didn’t need to and it made me overwhelmingly sad.  You see, every birthday I gave the kids a pick of whatever they wanted for dinner and I would bake a cake for them.  Last night I felt empty after hanging up the phone with him because I really, really miss him. 

 

It brought back a flood of memories.  I remember the first couple of months after I met my husband and his boys and saw this little, precious 4 year-old boy struggling with his parent’s divorce.  He wore a baseball cap all of the time and pulled it down as far as he could in an effort to hide out from the real world.  He and I bonded quickly.  I worked as a consultant, and the project load was light, so I started to take every Thursday off to spend with him instead of him going to daycare.  We went everywhere – the nail salon, Toys R Us, In n Out, you name it.  Sometimes I brought him to work with me and he would sit in the empty cubicle next to me and pretend he was a businessman on the phone.  There is so much more I could keep telling you about, but the bottom line is simply that I love him and I miss him and can’t wait to see him again.

 

Note:  I wrote this almost 2 months ago and had second thoughts about posting it right away.  But, it is from the heart, so I decided I wanted others to know how I feel.

 

Be Honest With Yourself

I am writing this post to those women out there dating men with children.  I was recently talking to a friend of mine who has a friend doing exactly what she shouldn’t: making excuses for the behavior of the guy she is dating.  Sure, we’ve all been there and hopefully most of us realized in “normal” situations that when we are making too many excuses then something is wrong.  BUT, when you get into a different situation – this time a man with children – when you start making excuses, there is A LOT more at stake. 

Let me give it to you straight:  just because you think you are getting older and may not have the opportunity to have kids like you dreamed about, this is NOT the next best thing.  You are not going to get the fairy tale family you dreamed of.  Not only does marriage take a lot of work to be successful when it is just the two of you to start, with every child you add and every ex-spouse, it is that much more work.  You have no idea what you are getting into if you don’t hear it from someone who has been there.  You figure that if you just love the kids it will all work out, but there are so many other dynamics at play that are completely out of your control.  If you marry this man, he will have more patience with his ex-wife than he has with you.  Why?  As my husband would say, “I don’t have to live with her.”  But, a deeper reason is that this woman has more power than your husband.  She has the power to take his kids away from him more than she already has.  In my experience, if the woman was the primary cause of the divorce, there is always a threat lurking in the background.  Let’s face it, if a woman is going to totally violate the trust of a marriage and cheat on her husband for example, what is going to stop that same woman from using her trump card when she has a need to feel vindicated?  (Don’t get me wrong…I am sure there are women who made mistakes that cost them marriages that have taken responsibility for what they have done and changed their ways.  I, unfortunately, just don’t know of any.)   And, if it’s not the kids she threatens him with, it’s taking him back to Court for more money – or even worse – both.  There is no way a man can be fully engaged in a relationship with you with all of the other things pressing in on him.  And, yes, the majority of men will lean on you heavily for you to “mother” his kids.  Let’s face it, he is not a woman and for most men it is overwhelming to have to take care of the children the way a woman does.

The primary point I am making here is this: if you can be totally honest with yourself and completely know that you can be unselfish, loving, sacrificing, and forgiving every single day without complaint, then you more than likely have what it takes to make it as a stepmom and be happy.  However, if you already need to vent to friends about your situation, you really need to assess whether or not you can honestly change to be the type of person this situation requires or else decide to move on.  Staying in a situation because you fear that you are running out of time from a biological clock standpoint is nothing but selfish.  You need to remember that it’s not just about you and the man you are involved with.  There are children who didn’t ask to be in the situation and you really need to look at their best interests.  Prolonging a relationship doomed for failure is not fair to them.  You are an adult; they are not.  Do what you need to do.  God will bless you with the right man and the right relationship.  Trying to make something work that isn’t meant to be will only produce heartache for you and everyone else involved.

"What's (Insert Ex-Wife's Name Here)?"

As I have written in the past, a primary difficulty as a stepmom is dealing with the ex-wife.  If no semblance of a positive relationship is developed with this woman, you are destined for years of friction.  You may think that by having very minimal to no interaction with the ex-wife and having your husband handle all of the interaction is working for you, but quit kidding yourself.  It may be working for you in your own selfishness of wanting to deny her existence, but it is not working for the children – especially if you have a child with your husband.

 Let me explain myself.  When my son was born, I had known my stepsons for 5 ½ years and we had long established a visitation schedule that consisted of alternating 7 days with their mom and then 7 days with us.  So, when our son was born, he was born into that way of life with his brothers.  What I didn’t realize was that as my son grew and became more aware of his surroundings and the element of time, he became aware that his brothers would go away for a while and then come back.  We had all slipped back into the routine we were familiar with over the years never thinking that this little boy couldn’t grasp where his brothers disappeared to.  When the boys were “done” with the week at our house, my son would invariably ask where they were later in the day and I would say, “At Jane’s" (I am using a fictitious name here to protect the children).  After answering this question the same way every time he asked, after about 2 months at no more than 2 ½ years old he asked me, “What’s Jane?”  My first thought (filled with sarcasm) was, “That’s a good question, where do I even begin?”  BUT, my immediate second thought was, “Wow, this poor little boy really has no idea that Jane is a person and not a place!” 

In order for me to explain what Jane was, I had to try to explain how Daddy was married to someone else before me and she is his brothers’ mommy.  Of course, that was way too abstract for a child his age to grasp, and since I had little to no interaction with this woman, he had no one to help put the equation together for him since he didn’t know who she was.  At least if I had seen her every once and a while when he was with me, he could’ve pieced the puzzle together to the best of his ability.  But instead, not really comprehending everything, this “Jane Place” he had fabricated continued to grow in his little head to become a bad place that took his brothers away from him.  I finally figured that out when she had complications from surgery and we went to the hospital to see how she was doing.  My husband and I had no choice but to bring him.  At this time he was 4 ½ years old.  When we walked into the hospital room, he hid behind me the entire time.  My husband was scolding him for not being polite and I was a little irritated too with the “timid” behavior.  But when I looked in his eyes, I actually saw that he was afraid.  My poor little boy had come face-to-face with the monster he had created in his mind!  When I realized that, I picked him up and held him tightly on the way out of the hospital.  When we got home, I sat down with him and talked for a long time.  At least at this point he was old enough to understand that Jane was his brothers’ mommy and just like he likes being with me, they like being with their mommy too.

Needless to say, there was improved understanding after this and he realized that the “what” was really a “who”.  But, even now, there is no real understanding of the relationship his brothers have with their mom simply because there is no relationship from our end.  What I feel is the only way through this is to validate feelings and then talk about it with whatever perspective they can handle.  With my son getting older, we try to model what a family is supposed to be and with the relationships that aren’t where we would like them to be, we talk about it.  My prayer for my sons is that all of them will marry for all of the right reasons, stay married, and let their children just be children.

 

Coming To Realize Something

Well, we made our cross country move and there is so much to tell, but what is heavy on my heart today is my son.  He started a new school last week and it is so different than his other school.  It is twice the size with a closed campus so instead of walking him to his class in the morning, I have to just drop him at the curb.  I think the dropping at the curb bothered me more than him, but regardless, it is a big difference for a mom who has never done that.

 Yesterday my husband told me that it actually is better if he drops our son off at school because he has to get out of the house early anyway.  I said O.K., and didn’t think much more about it.  This morning, everyone got ready and I said good-bye as he got in the car with his dad. I felt so, so sad and wanted to cry when I should’ve been happy that I have the extra time to myself.  Fifteen minutes went by and I called my husband to see how it went.  He said, “Is he always so quiet on the way to school?”  I said, “No.” and quickly realized that this was a HUGE adjustment for him as well as me.

 

You see, this whole experience has made me sadly aware of something my son and I have done.  As I have mentioned before, all of the heartache I experienced with my stepsons where I just wanted the best for them but other things and issues interfered with allowing that to happen I realized over time I transferred this love that had no where to go to “my” son when he was born.  I knew that there was nothing that could take that relationship away from me and I realize now how much I have come to depend on it.  Not only that, HE has unknowingly become dependant on that too with trying to cope with the changes in his relationship with his brothers and the loss surrounding that.  I came to this conclusion because my son is never quiet on the way to school and I had to realize that in over 365 days of school since kindergarten AND all of preschool on top of that, I have dropped him off EVERY, SINGLE DAY…but not today.  I realize that I feel sad because it is bringing back memories of feelings of dropping off my stepsons and watching my baby’s lip quiver and him turn his head away so they wouldn’t see him cry when they said good-bye not knowing when we would see them again.  I realize that my son probably doesn’t know why he feels sad other than it is strange to him to not have me drop him off.  He absolutely knows I will be there to pick him up later today, but I am sure it stirs up emotions that revolve around all of the loss he has experienced.

 

I told my husband that he doesn’t have to drop him off every day – partly out of my selfishness. But, I also think that it is important for us to both share this duty to let our son know that we both love him and will be there for him and aren’t going anywhere any time soon.  It is imperative for his mental health to learn – even subconsciously – that not everyone he loves goes away for long periods of time.

 

"I Have a Dream..."

I am writing this right now with tears in my eyes.  All of this stepparenting stuff is hard enough on adults, but we have coping mechanisms and we made the decision to get into this situation.  However, once again, it comes down to the children and how they are caught up in something they shouldn't have to deal with.  And furthermore, don't let yourself be duped into thinking that they are unaffected by the "goings on".

I say this because I was gathering together my 1st grader's end of year pile of things from school and something caught my eye that I thought said "broters".  I pulled it out and it was a mobile with the top portion a cloud with "I have a dream..." written on it and three smaller clouds hanging down.  The first one said "for my school! Be happy ever day at school."  The second one said "for my self! all ways have a smile. And ever body else."  And the third one said, "for my family! for my broters to come home. and stay forever."  To think that my little boy has this dream in his heart that I can't make come true makes me feel so inadequate as a parent.  He puts on such a brave front but he is hurting inside like every body else.  We need to forget about ourselves more often and remember the children. 

Sorry so short, but I'm going to spend some time with my son....

FOUND: Missing Piece of the Puzzle

As we are preparing for the upcoming move, it is requiring us (I should say primarily me) to go through everything and decide whether to keep or throw.  Trust me, I wouldn’t be doing this level of detail if it weren’t for the fact that this is a cross country move and we have to be smart about things.

 With that said, I found a dozen boxes of my husband’s that haven’t been touched in the 8+ years we have lived here.  One box was labeled “1990 Personal Records”.  I thought that would be a good place to start because practically nothing could be of value or necessary after 20 years.  As I was happily tossing the contents of the box, one folder toward the back caught my eye.  It was labeled with the name of the town we live in.  I thought it was odd so I opened it.  Lo and behold it was a copy of sales agreement for a home about ½ mile from where we live (that I walk by practically every day!) with a copy of a cancelled check that was used as a deposit.  I was stunned.  I remember my husband telling me that he and his ex-wife looked in this area when it was first being developed but he never said much beyond that.  Lesson #1 to be learned here: men don’t get it.

 Things that didn’t quite add up regarding his ex’s behavior began to make sense.  I always thought the timing of her withdrawal of talking to me directly was mainly due to the birth of my son, but now I realize it started the year before and the deal was sealed when I had the baby.  I now lived in the house and had the family with “her” husband that she was supposed to have!!  Over the years we have lived in this house, my husband said several times that she is probably jealous of our house and somehow believes that she should be living here.  Well, no kidding!!!!  Of course she feels that way! Any vengeful woman is going to believe that we probably deliberately moved here to rub salt in her wounds!  Part of me really feels bad about the misperception she has probably felt.  I am not saying it is right, but now I understand things like her driving past the house when she sees me working outside and waiting until I am gone before she picks up the boys.  Lesson #2 to be learned: when a deal doesn’t go through most men forget about it.  My husband didn’t withhold the information from me on purpose; he legitimately forgot so there is no way I can hold him responsible.

 What I really want to say is that I am sorry to her if it caused her any pain.  It truly wasn’t intentional.  I am not saying her behavior towards us is acceptable, I am just saying that there was no malicious intent on our part to exacerbate the situation for her and I hope someday she realizes that.

Gender Makes No Difference

It really never occurred to me that stepmoms with stepchildren of one gender may think one combination might be easier than others.  You see, since I have two stepsons and a friend of mine has two stepdaughters and other friends have various combinations, one thing I realized very quickly is that whatever the gender your stepchildren are, it makes no difference - you will encounter similar problems and situations regardless.

 

What brought this to my attention was when I attended a women’s function Friday evening and I was making the usual small talk with the hostess of our table.  Through the conversation I found out that she had a 15 year-old step daughter along with a 3 other biological children.  When I asked her how her experience was at being a stepmom she said, “It was hard at first, but now we’re friends.”  I told her that I was asking because I too was a stepmom, but I had stepsons and had encountered some difficulties along the way.  She was shocked to hear that.  She said, “I thought with boys that it would be a lot easier.”  I told her that boys are intensely loyal and protective of their mothers especially if the divorce occurs when they are young.

 

 I found it amazing that she was not aware of that and this is why I decided to quickly touch base on this topic. We as stepparents need to realize that we all have a common thread and need to be sensitive to each other’s situations even if they don’t mirror ours from the gender standpoint.  Let’s not assume that our situation is harder than another because I guarantee that every single one of us has had at least one day where we hit the bottom and thought it would never get better.  It is important that when we meet other stepparents we reach out to them and offer our support and encouragement because we all know what a lonely place it can be at times.  Sometimes all we need it that one stepmom to say, “I understand” and it gives us the strength to pick up and keep moving forward.

Happy Mother's Day

I am re-posting this from last year to all the stepmoms out there!

I want to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all of those Stepmoms that are overlooked, forgotten, or taken for granted.  For every Stepmom who has cried alone over hurts and slights that only another step parent could possibly understand.  We need to all stick together and hopefully someday have our own separate day of recognition (Step-Parents Day!!!).  (At least then all of the “real” moms wouldn’t have to feel so threatened!!!).

 

So lift your glass as I propose a toast to all Step-Moms:

 

Here’s to you:

 

For stepping up when the kids needed help or an ear to listen when their “real” mom wasn’t available.

 

For stepping down and taking a back seat when the “real” mom needed to be the center of attention.

 

For stepping aside when you realize that a decision regarding the future of the child you love is completely out of your hands and in the hands of their “real” parents.

 

For stepping out of the way and being the “bigger person” because it’s in the best interests of the children.

 

For stepping on your husband when required to get him to deal with his ex the way he should instead of with “kid gloves”.

 

For stepping forward and not giving up despite the poor treatment you receive from so many people because you really love the children and would be devastated without them in your life.

 

For all of this and many more, Happy Mother’s Day!

 

Moving On

After being physically separated from my husband for over two years because of his working out of state, we realized that nothing is going to change any time soon – especially with the current economy.  There were so many reasons that kept us in two separate households and two out of the top four were:  my stepsons and the money that my husband has to pay his ex-wife.

 

While the past 2 ½ years have been far from ideal, at least we have begun to heal some wounds and improve our relationships with my stepsons.  Even though they have only come over once on their own without my husband being here, at least we have been able to see them every 6 weeks or so.  The thought of going months without seeing them kept us from finalizing our decision for a long time.  On the other hand, the biological son we have together has been growing up without his father and at 7 years old it is critical that he has a dad around every day. 

 

The last time my husband came to town, the older boys were over for a little while.  Given their ages and everything going on, we didn’t have as much time as we wanted to inform them of our decision to move.  We sat down over breakfast and told them and unfortunately within 30 minutes they had to leave.  It was emotional for their dad and me.  Part of me feels like I am letting them down, but I know I am not.  The physical separation we have had for over 2 years now has helped in the thought of being 2,600 miles away. The emotional aspect is what is difficult because even though you don’t see each other frequently, just knowing you can in a moment’s notice can be comforting.  My hope is that they know that we love them and we are not abandoning them. 

 

The boys reacted as we thought.  The older offered words of support and expressed that he was surprised it didn’t happen sooner.  The younger was reserved and didn’t say much.  That was hard for us since they had to leave so quickly after us breaking the news, but we have to have faith that the communication we have built over the years will prevail and we can continue to rebuild our relationship.  Our belief is that once the three of us our together, the older boys will be able to spend more quality time with us visiting – something we have not had in a long time.  It is exciting to think about having actual vacation time together instead of a couple of days here and there when my husband comes home.  After everything that has gone on over the years – especially the last 2 1/2 - I am striving to be at the same place a stepmom friend (who also went through a lot of drama and thought she may never have a relationship with her stepkids) told me today, “I’m enjoying the time with my stepkids that I didn’t think I would have.”

I'm Sorry

It’s amazing how fast 2 years can go – even when you aren’t having the best of times.  I think as I reflect on everything that transpired I need to remind myself that no matter what I’m going through at that moment, things will change.  Maybe they won’t change on my timeframe, but they will change and I need to be careful not to be so focused on what is happening with me, myself, and I all of the time.

 

You see, two years ago in May, my hurt was deeper than I ever experienced.  After losing the lawsuit initiated by my husband’s ex, losing visitation with my stepsons, and losing my father I was shell-shocked.  I wasn’t home from my Dad’s funeral for more than a week when my son and I were headed home and the hill behind our house was on fire.  I was numb emotionally at that point, but my son who was 5 at the time became hysterical at the thought of our house burning down.  Our house was fine – just a little smoky, but a few days later I started having anxiety attacks.  I felt that I needed to regain control over my life and I started with the easiest thing I thought would make me feel better. 

 

One day I ventured to the end of the hall upstairs to the boys’ room.  I had avoided that room except to dust and vacuum for the previous 4 months because it was painful for me to see all of their things and not have a relationship with them.  I decided that I would go through their closet and drawers and donate all of the clothing we had bought them and put all of their personal things out of site as much as possible.  I told my husband I was doing this and he agreed that it would be fine to do.  So, I ended up doing that and I did feel a lot better.  But, did I really?  Now that I look back on it, I wonder if unknowingly my underlying motivation was to make them feel as bad as I did.  I think I wanted to be able to close them out of my life like they did to us.  For a while, in my overloaded emotional state it may have worked, but the first indication that I did something wrong was when they came over to visit for the first time in 9 months.  I remember feeling embarrassed if they went in their room and didn’t see any of their clothes.  Nobody said anything, so neither did I.

 

Over the next year, they came over a couple of times and when they would stay over and ask my husband to borrow some clothes, I would have a little pang of guilt.  Then about a month ago as I was cleaning their room, I stopped and sat down and cried.  I realized how sorry I was for doing such a selfish and immature thing.  I know I have a million and one excuses as to my emotional state at the time, but I should’ve been aware enough to know that they were caught up in something they didn’t ask to be part of and I shouldn’t have made it personal.  I didn’t realize until that moment when the tears were streaming down my cheeks that in my attempt to “erase” the boys from my life I did something so foolish and all I can say is that “I’m sorry”.  Maybe I acted out with a broken heart at the time, but I’m so sorry that I did what I did because I can never know where they were at that point in their lives and how what I did affected them.  Hopefully some day I can talk to them about it but until that time I hope to keep a higher level of outward- focused awareness in these types of situations.

Remember...It's Not All About You

A couple of postings ago, I wrote about sending a sympathy card to my husband’s ex-wife when her mother passed away.  I told you how she obviously misinterpreted that gesture as an entrée for her to initiate phone calls to my husband again after the horrific nightmare she put us through for the last 2 years.  AND, I told you that I knew there would be a next time -  and I was right.

 

A week or so ago, my husband got interrupted just like old times in the middle of his work day about some “emergency” issue that she needed to discuss regarding one of the boys.  But, of course, she couldn’t talk right that minute and had to keep him hanging for 2 hours until she was able to call him back.  In the meantime, my husband called me and we discussed what we felt would be the best approach with her.

 

Well, my husband called me when it was over and said, “It did not go well.”  Apparently, the one boy has been skipping classes and my husband just told her that she was the one that wanted sole custody and took us to court to get that and “her” money and that he had advised her not to take him out of private school, etc.  Of course, it wasn’t what she wanted to hear and basically she told him something to the effect that when her mother was alive she would bounce things off of her and if he doesn’t want to be a dad then fine she won’t call him and hung up.

 

You know, sometimes I can focus so much on the hurt I have experienced as a stepmom, I forget what my husband contends with and that had to cut to the core for a biological parent.  For two years she cut my husband off from what was going on with his children.  She confided in friends or her mother and not their own father regarding their welfare or major decisions they were facing.  Then, when she gets into a jam she expects my husband to be a puppet on a string and when he won’t allow it she pulls the “you’re not a father to them anyway” card.  I don’t understand how someone can be so mean and it makes me angry that she treats him like this.  He loves his children and would do anything for them and I know this hurt.  I know there is nothing I can do to take away her hurtful verbal attacks, but I can reassure my husband that he is a wonderful, loving father and help him put things into perspective.

 

So, I guess what I’m saying in this brief posting is:  it’s very hard being a stepparent especially due to a lack of authority, but remember to be aware of what others are going through as well.  Being the biological parent in a divorced situation is far from pain free.  That person can use just as much emotional support as you at times.

Strive for Child-Like Innocence

When you are a stepmom, it is easy to get caught up in the feeling of being an innocent victim.  Sure, the treatment by your husband’s ex-wife is unwarranted, but let’s face it:  we were adults when we got married, so we obviously had enough life experience to know that nothing is perfect.  On the other hand, it is important to remember that the real victims are the children caught is the crosshairs of a divorce.  Sure, the children can learn to manipulate the situation, etc., etc., but for all intents and purposes, it is not their fault(s) that they find themselves in the situation they are in.

 

Even beyond that, is the child who is the true innocent victim.  In my case, it is the son my husband and I have together.  He and my two stepsons had a great relationship until he was 5 years old.  Fifty percent of the time they were at our house, so for our son, it was a way of life.  Then, when that way of life vaporized because of the lawsuit my husband’s ex initiated, my heart would ache for my little boy trying to make sense of it all.  With little life experience he couldn’t understand why his brothers didn’t come over anymore.  Believe it or not, he figured right away it was their mother (although I am not sure he understood exactly who she was at the time – just the fact that they lived with this other woman and she took them away from him).  I tried to reassure him that they would come around.  But then, days turned into weeks, and weeks into months.  Now, my son was intuitive enough to know that the older boy went off to college and his little mind figured that if he was away from “that woman” then he should be able to talk to him.  He understood that the younger one was still living at home and somehow understood his situation.  My son started to get angry at his oldest brother and began to take out his anger by drawing pictures of him skateboarding or snowboarding and crashing and his head falling off – you get the picture.  Although some of them were pretty funny, I told him that it wasn’t nice to be mean to his brother like that.  I told him that he has every right to tell his brothers how he feels when he sees them.  That didn’t put a stop to it and he would get adamant and say, “But he could call us!”  It was a very trying time.

 

But here’s the amazing thing…after 9 months, the boys finally showed up when their dad was in town one weekend.  I was nervous about seeing them again because there was so much I wanted to say, but couldn’t.  It was tense for both me and my husband.  But our son?  The minute he saw his brothers, it was like they were never away.  He ran to them, hugged them and asked, “Do you want to play?”  Granted, when they left, it was emotional for all of us – especially him.  He cried and didn’t want to see them leave because he had so much fun and didn’t want to have to wait so long to be with them again.  But, I continued to notice that no matter how much time elapsed between visits and how angry or frustrated he would get at not hearing from or not seeing his brothers, every single time he saw them again he showed nothing but complete unconditional love for them. 

 

Maybe I am a little slow, but one day it dawned on me, “Why am I on an emotional roller coaster with the boys yet their brother isn’t?”  The answer was clear:  I needed to just love them.  I needed to forget about my hurt feelings and wanting the boys to acknowledge them.  I made the decision to be happy for the times we can get together and let the other stuff go.  I wanted to be like my son.  And guess what?  The last few months have been better than they have for many years.  I am excited when they are coming over and can’t wait to open the door and see them.  It has been a wonderfully transforming experience for me and I have my little boy to thank for it.  Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t miraculously fixed with the whole situation, but the quality of our family relationship is vastly improved and it is a wonderful thing.  Just one more reason to never give up hope.

"Screws Loose Theory" Confirmed - Again

If you follow my blog, you will remember a few weeks ago I wrote about how my husband’s ex-wife confirmed my “Screws Loose Theory”.  Well, she’s done it again….

 

This time, I think I triggered it because of something I did.  Her mother passed away a few weeks ago and when I was getting a sympathy card for my stepsons, I felt compelled to get her a card also to express my condolences.  Having lost my father almost two years ago, as human to human I can certainly relate to the loss and grief and was extending a compassionate gesture.  I did it for myself and honestly didn’t even know if she would open the card and I didn’t mention it to my husband because it was just my personal thing.  A couple of days after I mailed the cards, I got a text from my younger stepson thanking me for the card and saying that his mother appreciated the card as well.  I was happy to read that and felt that she realized my sincerity.

 

Now for the big BUT…BUT, apparently when you have a couple of loose screws that interfere with you common sense, your brain translates it into a language that only you can understand.  In this case, my gesture was interpreted as “it is O.K. to contact my ex-husband again.”  About 3 days after I got the text from my stepson, my husband got a phone call on his company line and it was her.  He said she was nervous and admitted that she had to do a lot of manipulation to get his number (at least she admitted to it!) and she said to thank me for the sympathy card.  He said that she was calling him because she was having problems with the older boy not respecting other peoples’ schedules in the house and waking her up and she was hoping my husband could talk to him about it.  Needless to say, my husband was caught completely off guard and I couldn’t help but feel responsible for it.  He said that he was polite and reminded her that we have been put through the ringer in the last 2 years because of her and that the way their son behaved was primarily due to how she raised him.  In the end, my husband said he would talk to him if he had the opportunity, but reminded her that if she didn’t like the way things were going, she could tell him to make arrangements to live elsewhere. 

 

I apologized to my husband for any problems that I caused.  He was fine and told me that although he was surprised at first about the card, he wasn’t really surprised because he knows that’s who I am.  We realize that because we don’t think the same way as her, we have no idea what she will do next, so we just reminded ourselves to be kind but clear on the boundaries the next time she calls. AND, we do know there will be a next time.

 

There Are No "Firsts"

I have put off writing this posting for a long time because it is very emotional to me.  However, I realize as I talk to more women transitioning into the stepmom role, that I really feel I owe it to them to shatter some illusions that they may bring into their relationships. I compare it to the excitement and fantasy that surrounded your first “real job”.  However, as time went on, situations changed and you went to another job; it was different than the first one.  Yes, there were new people and there were new promises made and the ability to start fresh, but your naïveté was gone the second time around and you knew what it felt like to get you first paycheck (not the first paycheck on your new job), you knew what it was like to make that big presentation already because you had done it before.  You get the point.

Because I am an analytical person, I researched and thought about what I was getting myself into when I fell in love with a divorced man with young children.  But, as I’ve mentioned before, when you are head over heels in love, you tend to lose your common sense.  So, in an effort to help my sisters out, I will try to give you some food for thought on critical milestones in your new relationship especially if you are embarking on marriage.

1) This is not his first marriage.  It may not even be his second marriage (as in my case).  So what you need to be prepared for is even for most first time husbands, wedding planning isn’t exciting for them - so just imagine subsequent weddings.  Other incidental things like picking your wedding date can be a challenge because the month I wanted to be married in he had been married in before and I surely didn’t want him to confuse anniversary dates.  Then there’s the choice of the best man – will he be the same as before?  You will also have to endure many comparisons from his family and friends that had been to the other wedding(s).  While I’m pretty sure it’s meant in a complimentary way, it still takes some wind out of your sails when you want it to be your day and you constantly have to be reminded of her. (But, fortunately in my case I had so much fun at my wedding I never thought of her for a fraction of a second!)

2)  This isn’t the first time he decided to have children.  To me, the thought of having a child was about being so much in love with someone that it was a natural progression in your relationship together.  However, as I got older, I shifted to thinking about adoption and by the time I had met my husband, I really didn’t expect to have a child.  In fact, I looked at the fact that he had children as a plus for me.  But, I distinctly remember when we were dating him telling me that he “could still have children”.  I think I was shocked.  I remember going home and being appalled at the idea of him sharing such an intensely intimate and bonding experience with not one, but two other women and the thought alone kept me from thinking about having a child for a long time.  It was only until he presented it to me as “will you have regrets 10 years from now if you don’t have a child” that I realized it was something that I wanted.

3)  This isn’t his first baby.  Maybe it was the hormones, but when I finally did get pregnant, I expected my husband to be overjoyed.  Instead, when I did the pregnancy test and it finally indicated I was pregnant, when I woke him up and told him, his first sobering words to me were, “life will never be the same.”  It was not with a smile on his face.  Perhaps my situation was unique because it took me so long to get pregnant once we decided to have a baby, but I really thought this was going to bring us closer together; instead, it really took a toll on our marriage for a couple of years.  Don’t get me wrong – he accompanied me to every prenatal visit, but when the baby would kick and I’d get excited and tell him to feel it, he would dismiss it with a “yea, I know what it feels like.”  (BUT, what is even more hurtful than that is when my brother-in-law’s wife was pregnant and they were visiting, my husband saw the way she was acting and asked her if the baby was kicking.  When she said yes, he went over and asked if he could feel and put his hand on her belly.  That was an extremely hurtful moment.) On top of that, you will have to edure the times he will reminisce about holding his first child for the first time.  My husband just talked about that with me a few weeks ago and then apologized to me about it.  I told him there is nothing to apologize for that -- it is totally understandable.

4)  He will invariably forget things that are important to you. Now I know this isn’t isolated to men who have been married before; I think it is a male trait.  Sometimes I can’t believe how my husband can’t remember things that I tell him or dates that are very important to me.  Yet, I remember one little nugget that came out of one day (forget the topic of the conversation – think I blanked it out!)  when he told me how badly his ex-wife tore during childbirth.  AHHHHH!!!!  That is something I don’t want to hear about from anyone other than my best friend, let alone from my husband about his ex-wife!!!!  How can you remember that and forget my birthday?

5)  He has done the whole “Build a Life Together” before. Prior to meeting my husband, I always rented even though I strongly considered and had the financial means to buy a home.  But, I didn’t want tied down and enjoyed the ability to seek opportunities out of state if I desired.  However, when we first met, I had just found a house that was a good opportunity and he convinced me to buy it.  Here I was, anxious, nervous, excited – the whole gamut of emotions surrounding the decision.  When I finally got over the anxiety and was excited to fix the place up, he steamrolled me on a lot of things because he had done it before.  He took a lot of joy out of this experience for me.  Even more so was when I wanted to set up the baby’s room and get furniture – it never happened.  While the ex had Bellini furniture, our son ended up in a co-sleeper and then a cheap bed from IKEA and we never did get a rocking chair.  He still doesn’t have a bedroom set and more than likely will inherit the one we bought my stepsons.  It’s really a moot point and doesn’t matter to me now, but at the time it was bothersome.

These are just a few things that stay in the forefront of my mind regarding getting involved with a man facing his second or third marriage.  It is food for thought and something to process beforehand so you can avoid having to work through anger and resentment while going through these life experiences.  Best wishes!!! 

Patient Perseverance

Any of you who have followed my postings know the increased heartache that came into our lives two years ago when my husband’s ex-wife sued him.  If you recall, we had had the boys 50% of the time for 10 years and then my husband had to take a job out of state. Obviously there was a lot of animosity building between the ex and my husband for years and believe it or not, I was oblivious to it.  Anyway, the point is, when my husband took the job out of state, that was the tipping point for her and it changed everyone’s lives in our household.

 

Our biological son just turned 5 at that time and for his entire life he knew that his brothers were with him every other week.  Then, all of a sudden there was NOTHING.  On top of that, a court order stated that they didn’t have to come over to our house unless their father was in town.   But, I don’t want to rehash anything here that I’ve already written about.  What I want to tell you is that you can never give up hope and you must persevere in your patience and great things will happen.  It happened to us last week.

 

You see, last week was my son’s 7^th birthday.  Because it was the middle of the week, my husband could not be home to celebrate.  BUT, he spoke with the boys and they said that they would come over to celebrate.  I didn’t want to say anything, but when my son was upset that Daddy wasn’t going to be home to celebrate, I told him that his brothers were coming over.  I usually don’t go out on a limb making promises because unfortunately there have been many times things don’t come to fruition.  However, something told me to take a chance.  I hadn’t heard anything from the boys until the evening before his birthday.  They confirmed when they were coming over and asked what they could get him for a present.  (Oh, BTW, forgot to mention that they bought him a couple of little presents for Christmas for the first time and gave my husband and I a beautiful card).

 

So, the beautiful part of the story is this: they came over on his birthday – this was the first time in almost 2 years that they came over without their dad being here and we had a great time.  They played with their brother, gave him too many presents, stayed for dinner and cake, and hung out for quite a while.  I can’t tell you how special that was not just to my son, but to me and my husband.  It may seem like a trivial occurrence to a lot of people, but unless you have been in my shoes, you wouldn’t understand what a true gift from God that evening was. 

 

"Screws Loose Theory" Confirmed

A couple of postings ago I wrote about observations from other people regarding how they viewed the ex-wife as having  “screws loose” long before they became the way they are now.  As I mentioned, I realized there was a lot of validity in that observation and actually had a confirmation regarding that theory over Christmas vacation.

 

I’ll just tell it like it happened.  On Christmas Day, my stepsons were over and we were talking about the party we were having the following night. We were having their band play at the party and the older stepson told my husband that “Mom ran into (let’s just call him John) and told him that we were playing at the party and he wants to come over.”  I just sort of ignored it as my husband reminisced about old times with John and how many years it’s been since he’s seen him.  (Just an aside, I’ve heard about this person for all the years we have been together, but never met him.  Basically I was told by my husband that he and John were best friends in grade school).   Well, we finished dinner and the boys were on their way back to practice with their band when my older stepson’s phone rings.  Guess what?  It was John and he wanted to talk to my husband!  So, I see my husband take the phone and walk off.  About 5 minutes went by and I decided to see where he was.  I found him right at the point where he was giving John directions to our house for the following night.  I intervened and told my husband that we really needed to talk this over.  Bless his heart he told John the truth that this was really uncomfortable for me and he needed to talk it over with me first.

 

I reminded my husband of how many times we have been hurt by this woman and if this is one of her friends, it is just too much for me to have him come over and then report back to her about our house, furniture, friends, etc.  He was compassionate to me on two fronts.  First, he understood that I was apprehensive due to everything we have gone through – especially in the last two years.  But, secondly, he reassured me that John is not a friend of hers.  Get this: they just both happened to be at a Christmas Party of a mutual friend and she told John about the party we were having and that the boys were playing at it and he should hear them play.  Did you just read what I just wrote?  SHE told John about a party WE were having and SHE INVITED HIM TO OUR PARTY!!!!!  If that isn’t confirmation of the “Screws Loose Theory” I don’t know what is!! 

 

Needless to say, with the Theory confirmed, I told my husband nothing else needed to be said and to go ahead and apologize to John and have him come over.  Fortunately, I happened to be the one who answered the door when John arrived and I had an opportunity to apologize to him first-hand for judging by association.  And let me tell you a little secret…I also fully prepared myself that she may show up at the party also given how skewed she thinks, but thankfully she didn’t show up (this time)!

 

"Bonus Mom"

I’ve heard this expression used by a Jada Pinkett-Smith in reference to her stepchild with Will Smith.  I’ve also read somewhere that Sandra Bullock is in that realm with her feelings toward her stepdaughter with Jesse James. I read and/or heard these gracious expressions and started to look at myself and wonder if I was just so petty that I couldn’t look at the bigger picture and see myself as a “bonus mom” and approach my stepmom role that way.

 

What I soon realized is that even though I do all that I can to avoid all of the paparazzi and media attention focused on celebrities, I fell prey to the same deluded media that other people do when it comes to wanting to dress like or look like a particular celebrity.  You see, I refuse to buy any “gossip” magazines including People or watch any of the “Entertainment Tonight” genres because my belief is that these feed upon peoples’ insecurities and feed them lies that basically sum up to: if you want to be happy you need to be so thin, so young-looking, dress such a way, wear and color your hair a certain way, live your life a certain way, etc.  As a result, many people emulate the celebrities who fit the “in” statement of the moment and they live vicariously through them.  If only these misguided people would realize that these celebrities are mere people that we only see a snapshot of in their work and really have no idea what they are like in “real life”.

 

It may seem like I am digressing, but here is the point that I am trying to make in reference to my trying to be a “bonus mom”:  that was one comment in an interview for national publication.  What else was the woman going to say, “Being a stepmom is a thankless job I struggle with everyday?”  Of course not!  If I put myself in her shoes, I would never admit the depth of my struggle as a stepmom in a public forum mainly to protect my stepsons; I wouldn’t sugar coat it, but I wouldn’t say it was wonderful.  I would probably lean towards the fact that it is a lot of hard work but it’s worth it for the kids.  Lest I digress again…what I’m trying to say is to be careful what you read and what you believe.  Look at the point of reference for the source.  Before you go doing what I did and beat yourself up for feeling like you were failing in your stepparenting role, realize that every situation is unique and it is unwise to compare yours to someone else’s.  Even if Jada’s stepmom adventure is as wonderful as was portrayed, I have to remember that she is a celebrity and her husband is a mega-celebrity.  I am sure the child’s mother is paid a handsome sum in child support and she also enjoys having her child part of the celebrity family.  So, consider the contrasts before you compare and spare yourself self-deprecating behavior.  Stay on your stepmom path by keeping the best interests of the children (and family) in the forefront and focus on what is working (and sometimes not!) for you and your family. 

"Don't You Think There Were Already A Few Screws Loose To Start With?"

Over the last few weeks, I’ve had several interesting conversations with several women.  These women were not stepmoms themselves, but either had friends or family members who were. What I found most intriguing  was that two women made comments that made me pause several times since then and repeat the comments in my head to the point that I am wondering how or why I have been so thick-headed all of this time.  You see, both women commented on stepmom experiences they have witnessed that were similar to mine – the ex-wife who cheated, was nonplussed about her divorce, but as soon as her ex-husband remarried she “became” the victimized ex-wife.  Interestingly enough, one woman said to me, “don’t you think there were a few screws loose to start with?  I mean, the nuts and bolts were not all there.”  In the midst of a stepmom discussion, I had with another woman, she reflectively ask me, “don’t you think that this behavior existed long before this incident?  Don’t you think that this goes back to even before your husband was married to her?”

 

When posed with these questions, I decided that I had to step back and really be as objective as I possibly could.  When I did, it became readily apparent that these comments were spot on – yes, this “problem” has existed well before the incident that caused the permanent damage to their marriage.  I am starting to realize that these women are in such a quest for a deluded form of love that I really feel sorry for them.  Obviously, this “need” to be loved started in their formative years.  Certainly a lot of women dream of  a fairly tale wedding and marriage to only wake up and refuse to accept that the way they thought it was going to be was a fantasy.  Hence, their quest for “love” continues and an affair is easily justified because they are not getting what they had been promised (even though they don’t realize it was a fantasy that they developed and expected their husband to fulfill).  Needless to say, I could go on and on, but what I was able to derive from this exercise of objectively reflecting on those comments, is that my husband’s ex-wife – and many others – are sad, sad individuals and I actually feel sorry for her and them.  I have honestly forgiven this woman for what she has done to me and other people I love who have been affected by her actions.  My suffering and tears have been – and continue to be – very real because I freely love my stepsons.  But sadly, her suffering and tears – albeit primarily self-inflicted – are a result of an unending quest for “love” and never really understanding that she has had it all along. 

Course Correction

When something in life is really going in the wrong direction – whether it is a relationship, a business, etc. –and the decision is made to change the direction things are headed and try to turn them around, I have an analogy I like to use.  I liken it to a huge ship in the ocean – when the captain decides to turn around, it isn’t something that happens on a dime.  The rudder works really hard to turn the ship and it is a painstakingly slow process that can test patience.

 

That is where I am with my relationship with my stepsons.  I like to think that our relationship is correcting its course after 12 ½ years.  I really have to thank their mother because in all of the hardship she has caused us emotionally and financially ,with her being out of OUR picture things have calmed things down considerably.  That doesn’t mean that old habits or ways of doing things disappear overnight.  What it does mean is that the hope I have been clinging onto is getting stronger and stronger.

 

I told my husband, “if you draw a straight line a foot long and then use the same starting point but vary it by one degree, you will have a greater separation at the end of that twelve inches.  Imagine how much more separation there is from that initial one degree the longer your lines get.  That is what happened to my relationship with the boys over the last 12 years.”  But, now I have hope.  I have been blessed with my husband committing to how my role is perceived by the boys.  He has endured many, many hours of me expressing my feelings and even though I know he will never fully grasp the pain I have endured, at least he is making a genuine effort.  Since he faced his biggest fear with his ex-wife – getting taken back to court and losing – what more is there that he could lose at this point?  I guess he finally realized the one thing he could still lose would be me and our son and I know that is the last thing he wants to see happen. 

 

It isn’t just my husband that has changed; I have too.  I have reflected long and hard over things I would do differently if I had to do it over again and written about a lot of them on my blog.  So, the way I see it now it that since this prolonged period of separation, I actually can, in a sense, “start over” with my stepsons.  And that is what I am trying to do.  For example, I am planning a Holiday get together at our house.  The boys have a band and I am trying to coordinate with them the day to host the party so they can play at it.  I sent both of them a text at 8:30a.m yesterday morning with a suggested date and time.  This morning, I heard from my husband that they called him last night to tell him about their schedule.  After I hung up the phone, I realized how much that bothered me.  So, unlike the “old” me, I picked up the phone, called my husband and told him just that.  I explained to him that he needs to let the boys know that when I communicate with them, they should respond to me – not him.  I further reminded him how nice it has been for him to be able to communicate directly with the boys and not the triangle that she had created.  I let him know that I will not stand for it and that I know that the boys are aware of the responsibility I have in this relationship, but it is his job to convey to them that I also have authority.  I explicitly told him that if my relationship with them is going to change for the better, they need to understand that.

 

My husband didn’t get mad – actually he was very supportive.  But, he did say that he had to still be careful with what he said to the younger one because he is under 18, but he fully intended to talk with the 19 year-old about it.  Furthermore, he actually did tell me that he told the older one that he wanted him to text me (today) and follow-up. I have yet to receive any acknowledgment and we’re into 36 hours later.  Now is when it gets tricky….earlier in the day, my husband said that if the older boy didn’t respond to me by this afternoon, he would text him with a firm reminder to do so.  Well, I spoke to my husband a little while ago and he told me that he wasn’t it the “right mood” to do it tonight, but he will get his point across tomorrow. 

 

This is where it is challenging for me personally.  One part of me wants to just throw my hands up in the air and forget about it.  But, the other part will not let that happen again.  I am fighting for what is important to me and my self-respect and this time I will not back down.  I keep thinking of that “one degree of separation” I referenced at the beginning…if I am going to close that gap, I have to really stand firm to what I want for my family.  So, I will have to continue to lovingly impress upon my husband the importance of his bolstering my role to his boys so that they realize that we are a cohesive family unit. 

The Robe

 I am going to tell you something that is not new - guys just don’t get it – or if they do, they have to get hit over the head with whatever it is to finally understand what you’re talking about.  I’ve known that for a long time, but there are still incidents that amaze me and here is one of them:

 

I don’t know about you, but if I had a long-term relationship that ended and subsequently started dating someone else, I would do everything possible to get rid of anything from that previous relationship that could potentially “taint” my new one. When my husband and I began living under the same roof, I quickly learned that he likes to wear a robe 10 out of 12 months of the year even in California.  He had a hideous maroon, gray, and tan plaid robe that I had to see pretty much all of the time.  I don’t remember how or why it came up, but I must’ve commented on how much he liked the robe and he told me that the boys gave it to him for Christmas.  It didn’t take much to figure out that the Christmas prior to that the boys were 3 and 5, so technically speaking, it was his ex-wife who bought the robe for him and just put their names on the name tag. 

 

I tried to be mature about it and kept telling myself, “it’s just a robe”, but EVERY SINGLE MORNING and EVERY SINGLE NIGHT I had to wake up to this freaking robe and the fact that his ex-wife bought it for him.  Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to say something to him.  It was as if I was speaking Chinese – he didn’t get it at all.  In fact, the only thing he had to say was that it was a high quality robe (it was from Nordstrom) and if I could find him another one of the same quality he would be happy to get rid of it.  Great.  So, now I had to either live with this robe or spend $150 on a new one.  So, I tried the latter.

 

I remember one time when my husband was working late and I had my robe in the wash.  I got out of the shower and used his robe and walked out into the living room only to be confronted by two upset little boys.  “Why are you wearing Dad’s robe? That is not your robe!  You are not allowed to wear Dad’s robe.”  I was speechless!  Here I am explaining to a 4 and 6 year old why I am wearing their Dad’s robe and how I am not doing anything wrong.  Trust me, I never did that again.

 

So, year after year goes by, and year after year I have to see The Robe.  Every Christmas morning picture for 11 years – there’s my husband with that ugly freaking robe on.  Every time I brought up how much it bothered me, I got the same response, “Find me another one of the same quality and I’ll get rid of it.”

 

I hated that thing.  I had to see it ten times a day when I walked past the closet where it was hung - it was like she was living in our house.  I even went as far as taking the one edge of the scissors into the seam to tear it in the hopes it would start to fall apart as I washed it.  But, that didn’t work either.

 

But then, it finally happened.  After my husband’s ex-wife sued him and perjured herself which got her a big judgment, he came home one day last year, walked into the bedroom and saw The Robe.  Then, he said, “I can’t stand looking at this anymore because it reminds me of her.  I’m going to get rid of it.”  I watched as he took The Robe, walked down the stairs, and went outside and threw it into the trash.  Talk about poetic justice.

 

So, needless to say, our son “bought” Dad a new robe last Christmas and those were some of the best Christmas pictures we’ve ever had!

 

 

P.S. My husband never reads my postings and actually read this one.  I apologized for the scissors incident and here is what he said, "that only goes to show you the quality of the robe." !!!!!

"In the Best Interests of the Children"

You know, I always took this expression for face value.  Before I delved into step parenting I thought that it had something to do with using the wisdom, knowledge, common sense, values, etc, to provide the best possible environment for your children to grow in.  I also assumed that parenting entailed a lot of self-sacrifice and selflessness.  I would surmise that my interpretation of the children’s best interests had a lot to do with the fact that I was raised in a two-parent family with high expectations of the children educationally, morally, spiritually, etc. Furthermore, after having my own child, I have to admit that I don’t think I was too far off the mark. 

 

What I failed to realize until many years later in my stepmom role was that there are two distinct interpretations of “in the best interests of the children.”  While the above paragraph describes one way – perhaps the ideal way of looking at it; the other interpretation unfortunately seems to be the real way of looking at it when you are dealing with children from a “broken home”.  The children are not the broken part – it is one or both of the parents.  In addition, this “broken home” more often than not seeks out a broken family law system to make the determination as to what the children’s best interests are. I don’t know about you, but the last time I ever tried to put two broken things together, neither of them got fixed and they both ended up in the trash.  Quite frankly, that is where the broken home and broken family law system belong.

 

I’ll explain it very simply.  When two people decide that they can’t live together any longer for whatever reason and they have children, if they both can’t be selfless enough to preserve their children’s self-esteem, self-worth, and  the innocence of their youth, then that person or persons has nothing but their own interests in mind.  Compound that with retaining an attorney that works within a system that is nothing short of legalized extortion and a governmental framework for job security for judges, attorneys, mediators, etc. at what point do you think that the children really matter?  Not only from my experience, but from many others that have shared with me over the years, the point of view  of “the best interests of the children” is nothing short of character assassination of one parent in the courtroom and court documentation, taking that parent for all that they can get monetarily, destroying  and/or severely altering family relationships which sometimes leave very young children wondering what happened to their brothers or sisters, and children who then have to straddle the chasm that all of this  “brokenness” created.

 

It is such a heinous system fed by people with broken moral compasses that what troubles me more than anything is what is the next generation going to be like if we don’t put a stop to it?  Actually, I’m hoping for a boomerang effect whereby the children that come through this system today will take marriage and family a lot more seriously than our generation.  A lot of young adults are driven by what they didn’t have at home and yes, a lot of time it is more money, but I also believe it will be happy, healthy relationships.  Furthermore, as with every generation, there are things that your parents did when you were growing up that you vowed you would never do with your children.  I am banking on the fact that this awareness will prevail in the next and future generations regarding the consequences of divorce and there will be opportunities to truly focus on the best interests of the children.  After all, we must consider this: if we believe that the children truly are our future, what kind of legacy do we want to leave? 

The Role of a Stepmom

Having written about stepmom responsibilities a couple of posting ago and all of the related lack of authority, I realize that I should’ve talked about defining our role(s).  With all of the postings I have written, along with any personal experience you have, the first thought you probably have is “there are so many blurred lines, what do you mean by role?”  True, but believe it or not, you have control over this area.  You have the ability to work with your spouse to define your role if for no other reason then to preserve your sanity.  Of course, I didn’t figure this our for many years and when I finally got to a point where the hurt was too much, I had to make some changes and this was one thing I realized that I could build some clarity around.

 

You see, when I finally realized how many variables came into play when I first started being a stepmom, I became overwhelmed but clung to my belief that if I prove that I have the children’s best interests at heart everything will work out.  Now, many years later, I still have the children’s best interest at heart and have eaten my share of you-know-what but have decided I need to quit taking this personally and take as much emotion out of the situation as possible.  As a result, I started to view being a stepmom as one of my jobs.  And, just like any job you work, the role should be defined.  For example, when the children were young I could’ve defined my primary role as caregiver to include tasks such as feeding them, making sure they had clean clothes, helping with homework, and making sure they get to and from school or activities. 

 

Even though my role may have been defined as I described it above 10 years ago, as with any job for any length of time, the role changes.   Just like everything else surrounding a step family union, you need to be proactive.  A “real” job will have periodic reviews and redefining of roles and so should your stepmom “job”.  Children’s needs change as they grow and you adapt parenting accordingly.  You need to revisit this with your husband as you notice these changes occurring.  I cannot over emphasize how you both need to be on the same page with this.  You must communicate to your husband how important it is to you that you understand what your role with his children is at any given time and he needs to acknowledge it.  AND, at any given point in time that you are overwhelmed with the role, you need to talk with him and make adjustments accordingly.  If you both are clear on your role, there will be less conflict with the children in your home and a stronger family relationship for you with less opportunity for their mother to weave her way into your life. 

 

This is the same approach you would take if these were your “own” children with your husband.  You must be unified and adaptive in your parenting and parental roles to be successful.  There is such an unspoken complexity in step parenting roles because parenting in general is hard enough and I just think most people don’t want to deal with another “problem”.  But, the truth of the matter is, if you’re like me, your initial role with your stepkids was probably one of fun and superficiality because they were young and responsive to most adults that were nice to them but this does not mean it will continue.  In my case, as in others, the natural growth that began to occur in our relationship became affected by “unnatural” happenings behind the scene.  When stepkids have an insecure parent in their other home who bombards them with questions about their visit with you and their dad they will freely answer those questions in their innocence when they are young.  After a while, it becomes a natural thing for them to the point that they know it is so important to that parent they may actually use the information to manipulate as they grow older.  However, no matter what, subconsciously the children “realize” something must be “wrong” with their stepmom because of all the questioning.

 

This is why role needs continued clarification based on the behind-the-scenes activities and the changing needs of the children.  I would strongly suggest family meetings with everyone and be very clear on who is responsible for what, the communication channels, etc.  I believe that this would alleviate a lot of confusion and best of all emotional distress for the step parent.  Let’s face it…dad is dad.  Dad was there the day they were born and no matter what a court rules, no matter what geographical distance or length of time between visits, your husband can always stand firm on that indisputable fact.  My role?  Right now, I am “Dad’s wife”.  Maybe I have been in that role longer than I care to admit and caused myself a lot of anguish but not accepting it.  I will always think of my stepsons as my sons.  However, to stop beating myself up I think of us as long-distance relatives right now who see each other every once and a while and have a good time but no commitment on when we’ll see each other again.

 

My role as a stepmom may be in limbo, but my anchor remains my biological son where I am mom no matter what.

It Never Ends Part II

This is one of those times when I just wish certain people (i.e., my husband’s ex-wife) would just grow up.

 

If you have followed my postings, you will know how I have struggled over the years - especially the last two – with the relationship with my stepsons.  I have tried every strategy possible to stay open-minded and open-hearted despite terribly hurtful circumstances and situations that affect not only me but my biological son.  I have become accepting for the most part of the infrequent communication knowing that I have not waivered in my love for them and neither has my son.  Mind you, that doesn’t mean that we don’t get frustrated or hurt or angry over the current situation, but we have realized that it is easier to carry the love in your heart than unresolved anger which is not in the best interests of any of the parties involved.

 

BUT, what this blog is about is regarding another incident where, with the age of my youngest stepson, you would think it would be a nonissue.  You see, this young man has an incredible talent as a drummer which was apparent as early as 11 years old.  Well, now that he is 16, he was old enough to enter a national drum contest.  On Thursday, he made the cut to the next competition which will be on October 15.  While where he will be playing is local and his older brother informed my husband that they want me and their little brother to be there, I don’t think that it is possible.  I would love to go and I am sure my stepson would love the additional support.  But, I have to actually think about what is in his best interests.  On one hand, it would be such a healing thing for us to all be together for this experience, but that would require ALL of us to be mature and selfless about it.  Unfortunately, I can’t rely on their mother to do that.  She more than likely will be so threatened by my appearance at the venue her venomous reaction would end up being toxic for my stepson and potentially compromise his performance.  (Remember, in her mind, I have no right to be there because SHE is THE MOM and especially in this circumstance I would potentially steal her “thunder”.)  My husband is on the fence about it (he can’t be there) and says he will talk to the boys.  Part of him feels that as a performer he needs to be able to overcome fears, but the other part acknowledges that she will be so affected by my appearance that it will inevitably have an effect on him.  Right now, I am planning on not attending but giving my love and support from afar with him knowing that we will be praying for him during his performance.  But, once he makes it to the next stage, I will be going no matter what.  First of all, the venue will be larger and I can blend in the back hopefully undetected by her.  And secondly, more than likely my husband will be able to go and that way in her mind my role shifts from the threatening “stepmom” to the “ex-husband’s wife” which is a role that she can apparently tolerate more easily in her mind.

 

An Ex-Wife Is Like A Zombie

With the opening of “Zombieland” over the weekend, it reminded me of what I learned a while ago about ex-wives, hence the title of this posting.  Of course, I will issue a disclaimer here to let you know that I am not saying every ex-wife is like this.  I am just speaking from my personal experience in having to watch and be affected by my husband’s ex-wife over the years. I would primarily characterize his ex-wife as someone who is unable to take responsibility for (bad) decisions she has made and ultimately will blame someone else and portray “the victim”.  Again, please note that I am not saying that she doesn’t love her boys or try to be a good mother; I am talking about a major trait that makes up her character.

 

If you are involved with a man who has an ex-wife who plays the “victim” persona the majority of time, you too will find out that “victimitis” is the virus that infects these women to make them zombies and you better be aware of it.  Case in point…just when you think that you’ve got everything in a groove that seems to be moving along smoothly, (i.e., the kids are doing well in school, money issues have been working, visitation is working, etc.) the zombie will come back to life.  It is completely unpredictable and happens on a whim when the virus flares up and decides to incite her that she is being treated unfairly in some way, shape, or form and more than likely the only thing that will make it subside is usually an infusion of cash.  In our case, I think the only thing that will kill off the zombie this time is for us to lose everything (house, car, etc.), give her every last dime we can spare beyond living like paupers, and also pay her some ungodly lump sum that would hopefully last until the youngest kid is emancipated from my husband for child support.  The problem is, we can’t kill the zombie because it is financially impossible for us to come up with this lump sum – we can only make payments over time - so we continually have to live with the zombie reappearing.  Most recently, it came in the form of a subpoena (again) in an effort to get the lump sum of money we are supposedly hiding.  My husband explained to her that she is getting what we are able to give right now in payment form and there is nothing else available for us to get her what she wants so she will have to live with that arrangement for now.  Even with that, we are still being taken to court and having to expend more money we don’t have for an attorney that if she actually thought about it could potentially be money that could go to her.

 

The main point here is this:  be aware of whether or not your husband’s ex-wife has the victimitis virus.  If she does, be prepared for the zombie to appear time and time again.  If I were aware of this years ago, I would’ve prepared myself with the best defense possible: documentation, documentation, and more documentation.  DO NOT GET LAZY.  Remain diligent and keep binders of every year and receipts of every expenditure on the children and every dime that you give to her.  As you write checks for the kids and/or to her make it a habit to get copies of the cancelled checks on a monthly basis and put them in the binder along with your bank statements.  If you deviate from what the court order says on anything put it in writing and have her sign it. See an attorney once a year to consult on what you are doing or not doing and what you need to do to protect yourself.  You will say that you cannot afford to do that just like we did – or say that you don’t want to risk making her mad and appear that you don’t trust her word, but take my word for it – you can’t afford not do to this.   A few hundred dollars is nothing compared to the tens of thousands you will spend to go to court AND if she is getting miffed at signing something you both verbally agreed on, think about it – she isn’t being honest anyway so who cares if she gets mad about you consulting an attorney.  Just remember, money comes and money goes, so if you take your chances and end up as we did holding the short end of the stick, so be it.  BUT, the relationships you’ve built with your stepchildren shouldn’t have to go but they often do when these situations get ugly and trust me on this, it is nothing you want to experience for yourself, your biological child, or your stepchildren.  No amount of money in the world can replace the time that is lost or repair the hurt, and you can’t expect a zombie to figure that one out.

Step Parenting 101: Responsibility With No Authority

The building block of stepparenting really begins with a complete understanding of what is means to have Responsibility With No Authority (RWNA).  This does not mean that you will ever accept it; but understanding that it is a given and not a variable in the problem you are seeking a solution to helps to some extent.

 

In case you are new to stepparenting, you may not be aware of what RWNA is all about.  The best way I can describe it is with the following examples.  As a stepmom (I can’t speak to stepdads although I am sure a lot of responsibilities crossover), you will find that you quickly become responsible for: cooking dinner for everyone, packing lunches, doing laundry for your stepkids, helping with homework, commuting to school, and babysitting because no one else can do it.  For me, this was within the first two months.  Within the first six months, in addition to what was already mentioned, I found I was further responsible for taking care of the kids when they were sick at my house (to the extent of taking time of work to get them to doctor’s appointments), buying them clothes and other things they needed at my house, and getting them to all of the extracurricular activities they were signed up for on the weekends or evenings when their dad is working.  As the years went by, my responsibilities further increased to what any full-time biological mom would be doing (I can speak from experience on this because I now have a six year old of my own) including covering my stepsons on my medical insurance, paying their medical and dental bills, and supplementing tuition payments.

 

Now, let me step aside for a moment and tell you that I wasn’t forced to do any of these things.  I did them because I took my role as a stepmom seriously and was doing what I felt I should do for these boys whether they were “mine” or not.  I do not regret for a minute what I did because I love my stepsons and it never crossed my mind not to do it.  However, what I didn’t realize after years of doing this, as far as their mother was concerned, I had no say whatsoever in major decisions that affected the boys’ lives.  As far as my husband was concerned, it wasn’t that he didn’t give me authority, but due to the nature of the triangular relationship I referred to in my early blogs, he was always juggling trying to placate her that the boys interpreted it as he and their mother were the team.  So, in essence, I was just a glorified housekeeper and benefactor.

 

I had often felt from the beginning that I wasn’t allowed to discipline the children beyond anything that may cause them physical danger at the moment.  I also found that what I felt were heart-to-heart talks were oftentimes just exercises in being courteous for my stepsons and that my advice was not wanted.  The full realization that I had no authority came when I found out through my husband that my older stepson was enrolled in a private high school that we knew nothing about.  We had been visiting schools and this particular school was never brought up.  Their mother completely violated the court docs where neither parent was allowed to unilaterally decide on a private school.  My husband and I were very upset about this not only because of the secrecy in which it was done, but in the effect it was going to have on our relationship with the older boy.  Just our one-way school commute was going to go from 18 to 28 miles.  I was upset about this for quite a while and finally told my husband that I was going to write her a letter and tell her how I felt.  I wrote it, let him read it, edited it based on his suggestions and then mailed it.  I found out real fast that I had “no right” to say what I did and she has indicated her hatred of me (see posting “She Doesn’t Deserve to Be Called Mom!”) because of it.  Worse yet, my husband asked me what I was thinking when I mailed it because the written word can be so misinterpreted.  I was stunned because I reminded him that he reviewed it and I incorporated his suggestions and all he said to that was, “I didn’t think you were actually going to mail it.”  Talk about feeling like you had IDIOT permanently tattooed on your forehead.  What was I thinking?  Gee, that I may have a right based on everything I contribute to voice my opinion.  WRONG!!

 

So, thanks to myself, my interaction really got severed.  Calls no longer came to the house – only to my husband’s cell phone.  As I mentioned before, when there were things that I was responsible for regarding the boys when they were at our house and she needed to know something about it, she would either work through the boys or my husband but never me.  The epitome of it all was the lawsuit from last year when I learned that no legal relationship whatsoever exists between me and my stepsons (see post on “Validation”).  That was the most hurtful of all and continues to be.  When the California Family Law System basically says that your relationship doesn’t matter and abides by it, it is surreal especially after so many years.  So, what it the solution?  I don’t have one – I just have the ability to raise your awareness as a stepparent.  As far as my situation goes, I continue to have faith and have put it in God’s hands.

 

Another Court Date

If you read my posting from August 24, you realize that we got sucker-punched (once again).  It is so hard to fathom how one individual can go through life continually functioning as a victim.  I can never imagine not taking responsibility for poor choices I’ve made, hurtful things I’ve done or said to others, asking for forgiveness when I’ve messed up, etc.  I know that my husband’s ex-wife is using the excuse that “it’s not her” that initiated these documents – she’s just”so intimidated “by her cut-throat attorney that she’s afraid to tell him to drop it.  That’s all well and good, but if it is the truth, then write a letter to him to cease and desist and send it via certified mail if you can’t work up the courage to say it over the phone.  Unfortunately for us, we believe that everyone can change and when we initially confronted her on the service of these papers, she said she had nothing to do with it and didn’t know anything about it.  Now, as the days have gone by and my husband has attempted to communicate with her to inform her that this is a waste of everyone’s time, it is starting to emerge that she of course initiated this. 

                     

What is mind-boggling this time around is that it wasn’t just my husband that was served; I was too.  I guess because I am officer of a company we have together, they are not satisfied with just the corporate information, they want me there.  Furthermore, they are asking for all of my personal financial information and assets.  Funny how I have no say legally in the situation with my stepsons, but all of a sudden I am required to “expose myself” in court.  The bitter pill for me to swallow is that the court refused to give any credit to the tens of thousands of dollars that I have spent on the boys over the years, but somehow it is thought that if I have assets and/or money they are entitled to it because of the judgment against my husband and California is a community property state.  As I’ve mentioned in past postings – protect what you have earned and brought into the marriage. It is no guarantee you won’t have problems, but at least all of the documentation is in place.  Even though we have always kept things separate, look at the quagmire I am now in. 

 

The most aggravating thing to me at this instant is not spending more money that we don’t have (it will be borrowed) to go to court, wasting my time putting more documentation together, or potentially “losing” in court(again) is that my older stepson talked with my husband today and somewhere along the way money came up.  As the conversation went on, my husband mentioned how difficult his mother is making it for us and he was already aware that we were going back to court.  She has lied to my stepson saying that she has nothing to do with it. (Your guess is as good as mine how she brought the subject up with him in the first place).  When my husband explained to him that all it takes is a phone call or letter from her to stop things, his son asked, “Why would mom lie to me?”  Of course, at this moment he isn’t sure who to believe, but I am just sickened by her ability to not just lie in court, but now lie to her son.  How is this in the best interests of the children?

Disrespectful Stepchildren

Yes, all mothers, whether biological, adoptive, foster, or “step” deal with respect issues from children.  However, because of the pervasive portrayal of the “wicked stepmom”, I believe that it is an issue that is difficult to address and have sustained resolution on.  I know for a fact that with my own biological son, I can lay down the law so to speak when it comes to how I want to be treated by him.  Of course, it doesn’t magically modify the behavior, but I can remind him as many times as I feel are required so that there is a clear understanding of what my expectations are. But, just how do you get your stepchildren to acknowledge you and show you respect? 

 

The simple equation pertaining to this situation is: 

 

Disrespect and Disregard of Stepmom ≥ Disrespect and Disregard That Their Mother Shows     

                                                            Towards You

 

As you can see, the variable in the equation is their mother.  Unfortunately, so much of their behavior is dependent upon how she behaves.  So, logically, if you can garner respect and consideration from their mother, then the relationship with your stepkids should proportionally improve.  Ah, so much for theory.

 

The simple answer to the question is: There is no simple answer.

 

As with most every other aspect of stepparenting, there are no easy answers.  The only easy answer is to the question, “Is it hard being a stepparent?”  I think realizing how much is out of your control leads you down the path of continued frustration and hurt.

 

Probably the more accurate question to ask is, “How do you cope with the disrespect and disregard of stepchildren?”

 

I have exhausted everything I know how to do.  I have tried to “rise above” and be nice all the time, but alas, my glorified housekeeper role evolved.  Many people suggest this, but they don’t realize the core problem – you can’t pretend that it doesn’t bother you when someone you love rejects you.  Then, I tried to just go about it with the attitude that I am looking out for their best interests; but any real parenting was met with rejection.  I solicited help from my husband in many ways, but he was too caught up with his own issues to really help me out.  I pray fervently for guidance on this issue.

 

I have heard other stepmoms say that they have gotten to the point of limiting their interaction to the absolute minimum when their stepkids are at their house because the hurt has become too much to bear and they can’t keep going back for more.

 

My question to you is, How do you cope with this issue?  I would love to hear back from any stepmoms who would like to share their experiences – both good and bad – with the hope that we can all help each other out.  Please comment to this post or feel free to e-mail me at realstepmom@yahoo.com with your experiences.

 

Visitation Follow-up

Last posting I told you about my stepsons coming to visit since my husband was back in town for a long weekend.  It was good to see them; they are getting so handsome and are very personable.  It warmed my heart to see our biological son over-the-top excited to play with his brothers.  He was really amped up and trying to cram everything in.  After dinner one night, as soon as the boys sat on the couch, the little one was trying to get them to wrestle.  Right away, my husband told him no that everyone was full from dinner.  He started to cry and I finally had to say something.  I said, “You know, he is so excited to see the boys and has missed them so much that he is just trying to get everything in at one time.”  My older stepson looked at me with a stunned look as if he never thought that a 6 year old had feelings.

 

The weekend was very draining emotionally.  I was happy for my husband after having spent time alone with them a couple of months ago; it was good for him to continue with that bonding.  As for me?  I guess the best way I can explain it is this:  you know when you are dating someone and you start venturing out and meeting each others’ friends?  I’m talking specifically when you are with your boyfriend around his friends.  They’re polite to you, but the conversation is directed toward him and they are primarily interacting with him.  They are cordial enough when you try to interject into the conversation, but body language, etc. is more focused on your boyfriend.  That’s what it felt like to me.  They were nice enough to me, but there was no depth.  I feel very much like “Dad’s wife” and not even a stepmom!  But, to tell you the truth, I didn’t set any expectations for my own relationship with them, so it is a nonissue.

 

What was really hard was when the boys left.  My little one tried to keep up the brave front and pulled it off for about 5 minutes and then broke down bawling his eyes out.  Talk about ripping my heart out.  It was one thing at 18 months old when I would drop them off after the week with us and I would see his bottom lip quivering because he didn’t want them to leave.  That was difficult enough, but at least they would be back in 7 days.  Now, I have no reassurances to give him as to when he will see his brothers again.  In fact, just this morning he asked me, “When am I going to see the boys again?”  I told him, “I have no idea.  It could be a while and I know it doesn’t seem fair.” He paused for a moment and said, “The boys are only going to come over when Dad comes home, right?”  I said, “Right.”  And he just said, “I wish Dad would stay home for 7,000 days.” Just remember, the judge from the family law court felt that it wasn’t necessary for the boys to have a relationship with their little brother beyond the way it is arranged now.  I wish someone could explain to me how that is in the best interests of the children.

 

So, as we were all sorting through our emotions Saturday evening after my stepsons went home, we decided to jump in the car to grab something quick through the drive-thru.  No sooner than my husband opened the garage, he and I both got served to go back to court because apparently we are hiding money somewhere.  Funny thing is, I was blatantly told by an attorney when my husband was first sued last year that stepparents have no legal rights.  Nothing that I did or contributed financially for 11 years mattered, but now I am required to appear in court and produce all of my personal and business records.  Go figure.  What a weekend!  Talk about icing on the cake!  

 

Cautiously Optimistic

Well, I have to admit I am a little nervous.  As I mentioned, my husband has been working out of state for a year and a half and the only opportunity I have to see my stepsons is when he is back in town.  So, today our son and I are going back home and my husband is coming with us for a few days.  Needless to say, this means that I will be seeing my stepsons again. 

 

This has been very hard for me.  If you have read any of my other postings, I have had them in my life since they were 4 and 6.  They are now 16 and 19.  We had them 50% of the time for 10 years, but with my husband being away and their mom suing him, they are “not allowed” to come over unless he is present.  I have worked through my anger of not understanding why they couldn’t just stand up to their mother and tell her that they wanted to see their brother as well as the sadness that perhaps we just didn’t mean as much to them as they did to us.  I have had to explain repeatedly to my 6 year old why his brothers don’t come over but they still love him and to tell him that it is not nice to draw pictures of his older brother falling off his skateboard and losing his head.  Of course, he needs to express himself somehow – let’s face it, I’m an adult and don’t understand it.  More so than myself, I am protective of him being hurt any further.

 

So, tomorrow my stepsons are supposed to come over and spend the night – and maybe even two.  My son and I have not seen the younger boy since April and the older since January.  I have a million questions swimming through my mind.  Will they interact with me or hang out with their Dad?  Will their mother have influenced them so much that the tension is insurmountable? Will they spend time with their brother to reassure him that they love him?  Will we dare broach any of the hurt we have all been experiencing or pretend that everything is fine?  Will we discuss life or have the usual superficial conversation we usually have which entails the boys talking about what movies or places they’ve gone to recently?

 

I really can’t believe that I am experiencing anxiety over this – as much or perhaps even more than when I used to speak in front of thousands of people!  I think it’s because this relationship means so much to me and I am not sure where they are coming from. I guess it is like having someone dump you that you were really in love with – you’ve run into them a couple of times over the last year and exchanged pleasantries, but now you are actually having a date with them after all this time. I guess now I am wondering if they want to “get back together” or just remain “friends”.  Of course I hope for the former with all my heart and realize that our relationship will have changed.  I know that it can’t go back to the way it was and I think that is a good thing.  I am sure we will have to start out with baby steps to rebuild and repair things.  I know it may take a lot of time and I pray that my family will be restored one day and my husband and I won’t have to watch our son cry when his brothers leave because he has no idea when he will see them again.  I’ll keep you posted….

Ph.D. in Manipulation

One of the things I have referenced throughout my other postings is having to constantly deal with the manipulation of my husband’s ex.  The manipulation can range from blatant to subtle and the whole gamut in between.  As I said before, my husband’s ex could teach an entire curriculum on the subject.  Some of the techniques include: using the “single mom” angle with friends, family, school, always calling their Dad on his cell phone and circumventing any interaction with me thus showing the kids I have no “weight” in their relationship, asking the kids if they had fun at Dad’s house repeatedly until they finally say “no” and then telling us they don’t want to come to our house because it’s “no fun”, etc., etc.  I think you get the picture.  In my situation, I have had to accept that this just comes with the territory and unless she has a major life-changing event or revelation she will always be like this and will always employ these tactics and continue to hone her skills even further. 

 

The troubling part of this is how she fails to realize (once again) that children learn by example and begin to model behavior they are repeatedly exposed to.  I have discovered through discussions with other stepmoms that this is not isolated to my situation.  In fact, it seems that when more than one child is involved, there will be one of them who is closest to their mom that will try to ensure they stay in favor with her by any means possible.  What this usually entails is behaving like their mother thus garnering her approval and support that much further.  Sadly, the kids don’t realize the trap they have been snared into.  Don’t get me wrong – every child is exposed to and tries to employ manipulation throughout their lives.  My son was observing and testing this technique just by what he picked up in kindergarten from other 5 year olds.  The key here is testing.  And as a parent, I believe that it is my role to instruct that this behavior is unacceptable and not tolerated and teach him of the consequences if he tries to behave this way.  Of course, as children grow into pre-teens and teens, just based on their extended circle of exposure they can get craftier with their manipulation.  It is one of the most challenging areas of raising teens.  Again, it is to be expected and I believe, corrected.  AND, there will be times that you won’t even realize you were manipulated until after the fact and when that happens, you need to call them on it. The point I am making is no matter what, you will have to deal with the subject of manipulation throughout your child rearing, but in my situation, in the background they have a mother condoning and even encouraging the behavior with some convoluted thinking that she is “winning” at something.

 

Let me give you a couple of personal examples.  As I mentioned before, our schedule for over 10 years was 7 days on, 7 days off.  During the 7 days with their mother, my husband did not interfere with what they were doing.  However, during the 7 days with us, their mother would call every night (usually the boy that was in her favor) on their cell phones at times when she knew they would be in their room doing homework and start asking questions like, “what did you do today?”, “is there anything new?”, “did you have to do your laundry?”, etc.  I think you get my point.  Although the questions seem innocent enough on the surface, they planted the seeds to grow into ammunition further down the line to support the “no fun at Dad’s house”, “they’re spending money on things and I should be getting the money, that’s why I always have no money”, “you shouldn’t have to do chores”….  I believe that pretty much every divorced family experiences this kind of game-playing and you need to rise above it or it will brew anger that will just end up exacerbating the situation.  I know that sucks, but you have to learn to “pick your battles”.  Read on.

 

When the boys hit high school, it was an adjustment for everyone.  Their mom was struggling with disciplining the older one and his grades were not what they should’ve been.  She got my husband involved and subsequently he got me involved.  One of the things we did was draw up a contract with the boys and write down expectations and various consequences if one or more of the expectations weren’t met.  There was also a financial incentive if they exceeded the expectations.  We all signed these contracts.  Funny thing is, when they exceeded the expectations, we kept our end of the bargain and paid up (not their mom - remember, she has no money).  But, the time the older boy failed on 3 out of 4 expectations on the contract regarding his final grades which clearly stated that he would not play football the following year, he employed the manipulation that ultimately resulted in affecting our family relationship to this day.  He refused to accept what he had agreed to, wrote a letter to himself expressing just that (which I found on his desk), and solicited help from his mother.  Believe it or not, he was able to manipulate the master manipulator to go to bat for him against his father.  It was very ugly and very painful.  The way they treated my husband and the lies she said to him to support her son’s cause were atrocious.  As a third party observer, the way she allowed her son to show such blatant disrespect to his father was unbelievable.  At this juncture, when I was alone with my stepson, this was the first time I ever confronted him since I knew him (9 years) to inform him of how disappointed I was and that he needed to apologize to his father.  He didn’t get it.  I told him that the end doesn’t justify the means and he disagreed with me!  I explained that the fact that he went against his father was going to affect his relationship for a long time.  He just didn’t get it.  

 

This is a sad reality in divorced families with moms who just can’t take responsibility for the role that they played in the failure of their marriage.  Perhaps you are fortunate enough to have your stepkids’ mom listen to reason from your husband and wake her up to the fact of what she is doing to the kids.  Or, perhaps your husband can begin addressing this manipulation with the child when it starts to escalate and nip it in the bud.  Personally, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with giving concrete examples to a child when they hit high school of instances when their mother used manipulation and it was the wrong way to go about it.  You don’t have to cap on their mom; you can just use an example they are familiar with, spell out the consequences of that manipulative incident, and provide an example of what would’ve been a better way to go about it.  I try to employ in my daily life no matter where it takes me, to “treat others the way you want to be treated”.  Try to instill this in your children and stepchildren.  It is very simple, very powerful, and easy enough for a young child to understand.

 

"I'm a Single Mom"

If there is one thing that becomes increasingly irritating over time as a step mom is seeing how many divorced women who have plenty of help from their ex-husbands (and many cases their new wives) play the “Single Mom” card.  This has been the case with my husband’s ex from Day One.  Even when we had the kids 50% of the time, we had to constantly endure the violin playing about “how hard it is as a single mom”.  There were times we would be at school functions or meetings when she would portray this image to others with us right next to her and act as if we were visiting distant relatives that she just invited to the event. I don’t think that it bothers my husband – or if, in fact if he would’ve ever been aware of it if I never brought it up. 

 

One of the things that irritate me is the blatant misrepresentation of the expression when the kids actually have two “moms” that are raising them. It is just another tool from the Manipulation Toolbox.  This is their way to perpetuate the distorted view they want to project that they are victims.  Perhaps they think that people will feel sorry for them and “help” them out.  I know in the case of my husband’s ex, she has perfected the role over the years and could probably make a career teaching other people her techniques.  Through this manipulation, she has gotten paid vacations for her and the boys, places to live, free babysitters, free meals, and other people to take the kids to school during her week just to name a few.  Through all of this selfish behavior, there is no consideration for what this is teaching their children.

 

The other thing that bothers me about the “Single Mom” credo is that with the overused misrepresentation of this expression, real single moms are short-changed in our society.  What do I mean by this?  Well, one of my best friends is a real single mom of twin 6 year old girls.  Since the girls turned 2, my friend has been completely on her own to provide for them in every way.  She gets no financial support from her ex, has no family that helps her out, and really only has me to help out in a pinch.  She juggles a very stressful job so that she makes enough money to provide food and shelter for them, daycare, healthcare – you name it.  When her company schedules a 6:30am meeting and she tells her boss that she is unable to get there in time because daycare doesn’t open until 6:00am and she has to leave at 5:30am to get to the meeting in time, he doesn’t want to hear it.  He, like every other boss she has worked for, is so conditioned to the fictitious single mom expression that his response is, “Can’t their dad watch them?  Don’t you have family to watch them?” etc.  The point is, very few people truly know what a real single mom is and how much they sacrifice thanks to the diluted version many divorced moms with ample support project.

 

Unfortunately, this is another subject that I bring up that I have no solution to.  I am putting it out there not just to validate what other step moms are experiencing, but to raise the awareness and sensitivity to the real single moms who are struggling to provide for their children while trying to be not just mom, but dad as well.

"It Never Ends"

The funny thing is that I believed my husband when he said that once the kids were 18, things would get better and that we wouldn’t have to deal with all the issues that cause so much stress in our lives.  I lived with that illusion for a while and had the first crack put in it by someone at a work function who was married for a second time to someone with children.  As we were talking about stepkids, I said, “Well, it’s only until they’re 18.”  She stopped and looked me in the eye and said, “It never ends.  My step-daughter is 26 and married and it is worse than ever.”  I didn’t want to believe it and filed it in the back of my mind as something that was an isolated incident.

 

Well, here I am, several years later with stepkids that are 16 and 19.  I have to say that it is still a very constrained - and strained - situation.  Obviously, we have to be very careful with what is communicated in front of the younger one until he graduates from high school.  That isn’t much of a problem because my son and I don’t see him but a day here or there when my husband is back in town.  My husband has some discussion with him over the phone, but it is minimal.  I guess the point I am trying to make is that in my wildest dreams I never realized a mother could be so selfish and unhappy with her life that she would manipulate her own children (with support from the court system) to “prove” to herself that she is the better parent.  In essence, she has created a situation where the boys are held captive by her because she feeds the selfishness that teens all possess (and she is all too familiar with) to a degree that the alternative of going against that and spending time with their “other” family becomes a distant thought.  I think at first the thought of us was there, but without the support and encouragement from their “real” mom to pursue the relationship, there was too much fear of the repercussions.  These repercussions can be anything from tears making them feel as if they are hurting her or words that they don’t love or appreciate everything she does for them.  Essentially, it almost seems as if she has drawn a line in the sand and said, “If you cross this then I won’t love you anymore.” 

 

What I have found it that this situation is not unusual.  As I communicate with more stepmoms, I find that this is a common theme.  My husband and I actively work to keep our hearts from hardening, but it does get more challenging as the kids get older and you begin to wonder if they will ever wake up to the reality of what has been going on.  In our situation, we are beginning to think that it will be several years – perhaps not until they have families of their own – before they break away from the selfish way of life they have been raised in by their mother and have insight into what we have endured.  But, then again, it may never happen.  So, what do you do?  I have found that there is only one thing that I can do.  I love these boys and I would love to have a “real” relationship with them.  I keep on loving them and praying for guidance on how to work through things.  In the meantime, I am tolerating a visit here or there throughout the year where we talk about superficial things and say “good-bye, love you” and have no idea when we will see them again even thought they only live 18 miles away.  I talk to my 6 year-old about it.  I let him know that teenagers can be very selfish and caught up with their friends and that doesn’t mean they don’t love him.  I try not to validate his anger toward their mother when he says that it is her fault they don’t come over.  I help him work through the anger towards his older brother because he is intuitive enough to know that this brother went away to college and was on his own and has the freedom to come over without permission from his mother.  Maybe that is what I am supposed to be doing right now –being the best mother to my biological son and preparing him now for his teenage years so that he is able to think of others instead of just himself and teaching him to accept that others may hurt you, but you can learn to work through it without placing blame on others.  If only I could teach that to they boys’ mother….

She May Still Be In Love With Him

I have never been the jealous type in any of my relationships. So, when friends, etc. over the years would listen to various goings on in my step parenting situation and comment that “she’s still in love with him”, (“him” being my husband and “her” being his ex-wife) I would just shrug it off.  It was just something that I never thought about and considering that the circumstances that ended their marriage had to do with her infidelity; I dismissed any of these comments and felt that these were people that watched too much daytime television in order to come up with these ideas.

 

But, for some reason, after 12 years, one small incident happened recently that made me think, “They may be right after all!”  My husband has had no interaction with his ex for 1 ½ years except through attorneys. A couple of months ago, his oldest son was visiting him and over a couple of weeks of doing a particular thing the way his dad told him vs. the way his mom had told him, a problem he was having significantly improved.  When my stepson brought the improvement to her attention and told her that it was because he was doing such and such instead of what she recommended, she commented back, “That sounds like something your dad would say.”  That did it for me.  I know what you’re thinking…that was nothing, how could that change what you thought?  Well, I don’t know how or why - call it women’s intuition - but that said it all to me.  For some reason, the fact that she was bothered after all these years that her ex-husband’s advice yielded better results than hers did and wasn’t just focused on her son’s situation being improved just seemed wrong. 

  

 

Then flashbacks from the past started to point in the direction people had suggested for years.  Again, why the anger all these years later especially after you cleaned our clocks in court over a year ago and are getting more money than you should, don’t have to communicate with him, have your kids to yourself and don’t have to let them see me or their brother, etc., etc.?  Is it because she still hasn’t gotten over him?  I am realizing now that this is a very strong possibility.  I am beginning to think that she believed that he would never leave her especially with how young their two boys were.  I think that she knows how forgiving my husband is and that she thought he would forgive her indiscretion and go back to their family (after he tired of me because I am sure she thought I was just a rebound relationship).  Could that be why when she got dumped by her lover that she cheated on my husband with she called to cry on his shoulder?  She cried and couldn’t believe that he was also sleeping with other women besides her?  Why would you call the husband that you cheated on to console you regarding the man you were cheating on him with?  Could it possibly mean that she hoped he would take her back because he felt sorry for her?  What about the picture of my husband and his brothers she displayed in her living room years after their divorce as if they were still her family?  Why not have the boys keep it in their room?  Why rekindle your relationship with your ex-mother-in-law so that she chooses a relationship with you instead of her new daughter-in-law?  Why, when going to the boys’ football games and I was with my husband, she would have one of the boys come over to tell us there was no room to sit where they were yet when she knew he would be going alone she would call him on his cell to tell him where they were sitting so he could join them?  Why after our son was born did she really stop talking to me?  Was it hard for her to accept that he had another family now and she finally realized he wasn’t coming back?  Why at that point did she quit calling the house and only call him on his cell phone and pretend I didn’t even exist?

 

 

You see, I could go on and on, but the behavior over the years displays actions that have attempted to get closer to my husband in some way with me out of the picture.  What do you do about it?  Believe me, I have no answers and honestly I don’t really care.  It kind of helps me to make some sense as to why she dislikes me so much if, in fact, she really is still in love with him.  I really only brought this whole thing up because it is yet another variable you may have to contend with as a stepmom.  And, in the end, if what I assert is true, I really, truly feel sorry for her because the prime of her life is just passing her by while pursuing a fantasy that will never come to fruition but only continued frustration.

Some Basic Help for Stepmoms

Do you sometimes feel that you wish you could wake up and be living a different life?  Do you feel like there is no one that understands what you’re going through?  Do you feel completely misunderstood and unjustly maligned?  Do you spend a lot of time crying alone?  Do you have anger well up inside you because you feel so helpless or viewed as “the enemy”?  Do you ask yourself, “would I do this all over again”?

 

As a stepmom, these are just a few thoughts that could swim through your mind several times a day every single day. The million dollar question is: what can you do about it so it doesn’t take over your life?  There is no magic wand you can wave and make it all perfect, but I believe there are some fundamental things you can do to make it a little better.  I came up with these suggestions by the lessons I have learned through hard-earned experience over the past 12 years.

 

1)  Set your priorities straight.  Very simply, realize this:  you met their father and fell in love with him and married him.  Therefore, make sure you nurture your marriage first and foremost.  I realize that there are going to be situations where once you get married it seems as if your husband only married you so he had a caretaker for his children. But remember that was not why you got married.  Make that clear to your husband both verbally and in your actions.  If you make your husband a priority over his children, I believe that he will feel supported enough in his situation as a divorced father (with all the threats of legal action, verbal abuse, etc. from his ex) that he will support you better as a stepmom.

 

2) Be true to yourself.  You need to have enough confidence to stand up for what you believe in.  This means several things on different levels.  For example, you may be told by relatives, in-laws, etc. that you need to just accept certain treatment or situations.  As with anything in life, it is always wise to “pick your battles”, but as a stepmom, you can’t allow things that go against your beliefs to start becoming the norm because you get worn down.  You need to “fill yourself up” (as my doctor once told me) with what makes you feel happy and whole.  That means if you need to get a workout in to make you feel good and recharged instead of shuttling the kids yet again to one of their commitments, you make sure it happens.  These children have a mother and a father and other relatives who can watch them – and would be watching them - if you weren’t around.  Remember that and don’t feel guilty about it like I did.  Don’t be so self-sacrificing that resentment starts to build.  Look at what their “real” mother is doing for herself compared to you and if you see that she is doing inordinately more, you need to make some changes.  I’m not saying to be selfish; just smart.  Suffering and sacrificing in silence only builds resentment.  It is O.K. to say “no”.

 

 3)  Don’t take it personally.  You may come to the same conclusion that I did after much agonizing, that it really isn’t you that his ex and/or your in-laws don’t like; it’s the position you fill.  The sooner you realize this and come to accept it; the better it is for you.  This was one of the hardest things for me to do.  It is difficult to understand how unfairly – and sometimes just plain mean – you can be treated when you are last person who wants to hurt anyone.  I’m sure for me, getting over this had to do with a lack of self-confidence to some degree.  To be honest, I only got on the other side of this sticking point through a lot of prayer.

 

4) Create the expectation and be consistent.  One thing you need to realize is that if you are truly a wicked stepmom, this will be revealed pretty quickly into the relationship so quit using so much energy trying to prove that you aren’t one.  Think about it – you would always be sending the kids off somewhere so they wouldn’t be around, forcing them to eat things they hate, adhering to a military school set of rules, or just plain being mean.  Since you are reading this, I have to assume that you are a stepmom who wants to be the best you can be and genuinely cares for and loves her stepchildren but are struggling with the realities of the situation.  The best thing you can do here is focus on what you have control of, think long term, and do it.  Be loving, supportive, provide guidance, help with homework, teach them how to take care of themselves, and whatever else you deem necessary and be consistent about it.  Think of how you want these children to think of you not only now, but 20 years from now.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t be flexible – you have to be, but believe me, if you can frame what you do for your stepchildren within the amount of control that you are allowed to have, you will be an integral part of their lives because there is so much inconsistency that can arise in divorced families.  If you want the kids to think of you as a glorified housekeeper (major mistake that I did) then focus on taking care of all of their needs and putting great dinners on the table, helping with homework, etc.  I tried to change the image I projected years into our relationship and that was difficult to do.  The main thing is to be consistent with your good intentions, be adaptable, accept that you aren’t their “real” mother, and believe that you are their “bonus” mom.

 

5) Never speak ill of their mother.  Don’t, under any circumstances, speak ill of the children’s mother when they are anywhere in the vicinity of you.  Better yet, if there is something that is bugging you that she did, wait until they are back at her house to talk about it with your husband or friends.  To get it off your chest in the interim, write about it in your journal or to a blog such as this to get the support that you need.  This is critical.  You always want to have the confidence that the children will never be able to say “She said….”

 

6) Focus on being happy and have fun.  Yes, step parenting is fraught with difficulties and it is important to talk about them and have validation and support.  But, it is equally important to talk about the good things and have fun.  I think because there has been such a lack of support for stepmoms in the past, we could easily get caught up in the difficulties.  But, support is out here now which can allow you to vent and then refocus on what you need to do.  Being any type of parent has its challenges, but it also has its benefits. I remember when I was first immersed in this and didn’t know what I was doing.  My 4 year-old stepson was at that age where he was full of compliments to women and easily demonstrated affection for women that were nice to him.  I was blessed with being a recipient of his love.  I remember the first time I had him by myself and had to give him a bath before my husband got home.  I didn’t have any clothes to put on him, so I took one of my husband’s shirts and tied a belt around it to keep it from dragging on the floor.  After I got him situated I said, “There. You look just like a prince!”  And he said back to me, “And you’re a princess and we can get married!”  This is one of those priceless experiences that I will never forget and no one can ever take away from me.  Focus on these benefits and it will reap rewards – maybe not immediately, but be patient.

 

I hope this helps a little bit.  Feel free to e-mail me or comment if you want to discuss anything more specific.

 

"She Doesn't Deserve to be Called Mom!"

I thought that following with the general theme of my last posting; I would address the whole being called “mom” thing.  As I’ve said in previous postings, as the years went by, the fact that the rest of my family was acknowledged as Grandma, Pap-pap, Uncle, Aunt, etc. from the beginning was a dual-edged sword.  It made me feel wonderful that my “new” family became a blended extended family.  On the other hand, while everyone was being acknowledged with endearing names, I was still called by my first name by my stepsons.  Did it hurt my feelings?  Yes and no.  Sure it would’ve been nice to be called mom, but knowing they could not freely do so without repercussions from their “real” mom would’ve taken away from any joy I may have felt.

 

Six years into the relationship with my husband, I gave birth to our son.  Prior to this, my husband’s ex and I at least could have some level of communication if need be regarding the boys either on the phone or if I saw her at a school function.  It seemed as if from the day my son was born, a light went off for her that now her ex has another family and there was no way she would be getting him back now.  Of course, I don’t know that for sure, but basically what little acknowledgement she gave me prior to this of being a part of her sons lives, now had completely evaporated. 

 

Shortly after my son started talking, it didn’t take long before he was mimicking his brothers and calling me by my first name.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, my husband took the boys aside and told them that he would not stand for our son calling me by my first name, so while they were at our house they would need to start calling me mom.  When my husband told me this, I felt that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  As you may guess, the boys did not run home and tell their mom about this news, but they told a friend of their mother’s who wasted no time in getting that news back to her.  So, one Saturday close to Christmas, my husband went to pick up the boys at their mom’s and came back and told me what happened.  With the boys sitting in the living room, she screamed, “She doesn’t deserve to be called mom.  I hate her! She had no right to send me that letter! (more on that in another posting…)”   Of course the boys were rattled when they got to our house and I did my best to smooth things over (why it was my responsibility to do this without my husband was beyond me).  But, the damage was done.  To do this to two young boys basically made them choose where their loyalty would lie – and naturally they would choose their real mom.  Sadly, this magnified the “us against them” way of life she portrayed.

 

So, from the boys’ mom’s perspective, I ceased to exist.  To be treated like this after everything I had done - and continued to do - for “her” boys was extremely hurtful.  I had thought it was bad when I would go pick the boys up at her house and have to endure the ceramic plaque hanging by her front door saying “Home Is Where Mom Lives”.  How many times I just wanted to “accidentally” bump it so it smashed on the ground, but then I would be no better then her.  Now I had to reflect on all of the sacrifices I made financially, emotionally, and physically for the boys and hear “she doesn’t deserve to be called mom” echoing in my head. It was a very lonely place to be.

 

But, I have to tell you, there is some poetic justice that comes about and I’ll give you one example.  As I continued my “non-existent” existence in the ex-wife’s eyes, one day I received a call from my husband because “his” son was at the orthopedics’ office with his “mother”.  Apparently, they were filling out the patient history forms and she got stumped on the question regarding allergies.  She called my husband because she seemed to remember that the boy was allergic to some medication but couldn’t remember which one.  Of course, my husband didn’t know either so he was calling me.  I had to laugh to myself and think, who doesn’t deserve to be called mom now?  Excuse me, but if I don’t know what my son is allergic to at any point in the years he is under my care, please call social services because I would consider myself an unfit mother!

 

So…getting back to the “mom” thing.  I have to be honest, I would’ve loved for the boys to start calling me mom from the beginning, but that didn’t happen.  I appreciate what my husband did for me and that I don’t have our son calling me by my first name.  But, I have to admit every time one of the boys does call me mom, it feels contrived.  I know everywhere else they refer to me by my first name and I would actually prefer it at this point.  If the time came where they felt the pull on their hearts to call me mom of their own free will, it would be music to my ears.  But, at this point, it is just salt in the wounds.  It makes no difference in the love I have for them – it’s just a title.  And I don’t need to be called mom – I’m proud to be a stepmom.

 

 

 

"Sons" or "Stepsons"?

For me personally, this has never been an issue.  When my husband’s boys came into my life, I viewed them and treated them as my sons.  The beauty of it was that every one of my friends, family and even my coworkers treated then the same way.  There were always invitations to my “family” and people that had children of similar ages engaged in conversations about our mutual “kid issues”, etc.  Perhaps because we had the boys 50% of the time and I was so involved with transporting them to and from school, helping with homework, getting them to activities, taking time off from work when they were sick that to other people my role as a stepmom was transparent to that of other moms.

 

When the “how to refer to my husband’s boys” became an issue was mainly when their mother was involved and/or her friends.  It was (and still is) extremely threatening to their mother for them to call me “mom”.  I didn’t really give it much thought until we got married.  During our wedding ceremony, I had included a part where I said a vow to them to treat them and raise them as my own children.  I distinctly remember being in the market with them shortly after the wedding.  The check-out person asked me how old my boys were and I told her (they have a lot of similarities in looks to me so it is not too far-fetched to think they are my biological children).  They were unusually quiet.  When we got in the car, I explained to them that even though I am not really their mother and I’m not trying to replace her, as far as I was concerned when they were with me I considered them my sons and would call them as such.  I told them that I love them as if they were my own and didn’t feel that calling them my stepsons was appropriate.  They seemed to understand, but that didn’t magically have them calling me mom which I didn’t ask them to do.  I think on one hand, they were happy to know how I felt about them, but on the other, they had their mom’s insecurities constantly playing on them making the whole issue something that we really couldn’t address.

 

I continued to call them my sons and will still do so especially when I am with other parents and we are talking about things our children are doing or have done.  The sad part is, thanks to the lawsuit by my husband’s ex-wife over 1 ½ years ago when I was told by my husband’s attorney that I have no say whatsoever regarding my stepchildren because stepparents have no legal rights, things have changed.  Because we have hardly seen the boys since the lawsuit, I find myself referring to them more as my husband’s boys or my stepsons.  It really saddens me, but I think it is a defense mechanism because when you refer to children in those terms, it creates an obstacle of sorts and fewer questions are asked about the children because they figure you don’t have much involvement.  In my heart, the boys are and always will be my sons, but I guess it is too much for me right now to reveal the current situation with them to outsiders so it’s easier to hide behind the “step”.

Extended Family Dynamics Part II

Before I launch into this posting, I would like to make a comment regarding Part I of this subject.  Thanks to feedback from my husband and friends, it has come to my attention that I need to provide some clarification.  First of all, my husband made a very valid point that the dysfunction of his family interaction (or lack thereof) existed before I came into the picture.  With that said, I would have to surmise that my situation is probably on the extreme end of things when it comes to relationships with in-laws.  Secondly, in speaking with other women who are not stepmoms, I realize that there are very few who have good relationships with their mothers-in-law or other in-laws for that matter.

 

Part II of Extended Family Dynamics is regarding my family and how they embraced their relationships with my stepsons and their experiences.  Again, please be reminded that this is my personal experience and yours may be the polar opposite.  I am just putting this out there to prepare a potential stepparent for something like this.

 

From Day One, my parents, relished in their roles as grandparents to my stepsons.  From their first meeting – long before my husband and I married – my stepsons called them Grandma and Pap-Pap.  My parents loved and treated them the same way they did their only other grandchild at the time.  Perhaps because my parents reside across the country and their visits were infrequent, there was no perceived “threat” to the boys’ mom about them having these additional grandparents and calling them as such.  The same held true for my brother and his family.  Again, from a geographic standpoint, they are 3,000 miles away.  From the viewpoint of my family, the treatment of my stepsons was transparent to the way other grandchildren and nieces and nephews were treated.  Holidays, birthdays, special occasions were all recognized by my family with cards, gifts, phone calls just like every other family member.  My father enjoyed getting them involved in his hobby of coin collecting and teaching them math.  When my father passed away last year, his obituary listed his survivors and referenced his five grandchildren specifically by name which included my stepsons.  That is just the way it is for my family.  They are “all in”.

 

From my standpoint, I enjoyed the “normalcy” this brought to my family life when we were all together.  We got to function together as an extended family unit even for just a few days.  However, underneath the happy time a sadness existed especially from my parents’ view.  While they were receiving all of the joys of being grand-parents, it gnawed at them that I wasn’t called “Mom” by my stepsons.  Every time the boys would address their “Grandma” or Uncle” as any other family member would to each other, when it came to me, they called me by my first name and for my parents their utopia ceased to exist.  I explained to them the reasons why it was that way, but they saw their daughter being a mother and not being recognized as such by name and it bothered them.  Let’s face it, it bothered me too, but I made up my mind early on that I would never force my stepsons to call me mom if they didn’t want to.

 

For 11 years my family enjoyed their relationships with my stepsons and then it all came to a screeching halt. (For me as well, but that is a separate posting).  Thanks to a lawsuit by their mother and the subsequent ruling, it was as if these relationships never existed.  Basically, with the result of the court ruling and the fact that stepparents have no legal rights, there is nothing a step-anybody can do of their own accord to continue the relationship if the other party is not – or cannot be – receptive to it.  So, that is the simplified version of what happened.  My family dealt with the loss of my stepsons on a Monday and the death of my father on the Friday of the same week.  The sense of loss for all three was overwhelming.  However, with my father, you understood and eventually accepted his death.  But with the boys, there is no closure.  There is a huge void in the hearts of my family and they miss the boys terribly and are frustrated and angry over the situation.  After more than a year, there is some form of acceptance of the way the situation is yet hope that it will change at some point in the future.  With the type of person that I am, I can accept the pain in my heart because I made the choice to enter this relationship.  However, I have to admit that I shoulder a large part of the responsibility of their pain because I brought this upon them and I can’t fix it by myself.

Extended Family Dynamics Part I

You logically understand when you get serious with a man who was previously married that his family had a relationship with his ex-wife.  However, when you first meet his family, they are so happy that he is out of the “old” relationship that they seemingly welcome you with open arms.  You may even hear things like, “where have you been all his life” as well as a lot of dirty laundry as to why they couldn’t stand his ex.  The operative word in what I just wrote is seemingly.  In my case I was completely duped by my husband’s mother, brothers, and sisters.  I can honestly say that because my father-in-law is more removed from the family geographically, he can be more objective.  He is the only in-law that has been consistently nice to me and stayed in touch albeit infrequently. 

  

  

 

 

The point I am trying to make here is your in-laws were her in laws. What happened in my case was they were happy with me initially because my husband was happy, but they never genuinely accepted me.  I am not blaming them actually.  You need to be realistic when you marry someone who has children and nieces and nephews close to their children’s ages.  In my husband’s situation, the cousins all spent a lot of time together.  They all spent a lot of time at their grandmother’s.  On top of that, my husband’s ex lived close to my mother-in-law and despite the fact my husband told his mother that she needed to respect his current wife, it was easier for her to choose his ex.  Why?  Well, in my case the ex is the type who will not take no for an answer and knows how to manipulate situations to get her way.  So, she would use the boys as her excuse to stay connected.  She would take the kids over to my mother-in-law’s house on the weekends she had the boys and let them stay over (so she could carry on her social life).  When my husband objected to the relationship with his ex to his mother, she tried to insinuate that she never saw the boys unless their mother brought them to her house.  And, the tangled web began….

  

  

 

So, you can only imagine as the years went by my intermittent relationship with my in-laws became virtually non-existent.  I realize that my husband’s ex filled them with numerous fictitious horrible stories about me to support her cause and they bought it.  I also realize that it had nothing to do with me personally – I could be any Jane Doe out there.  I just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time.  Again, you can make sense of these things logically, but it doesn’t take away the hurt.  My husband made attempts with his mother to get her to respect his current situation (i.e., me as well as our child together) but things have not changed.  I don’t deserve it, but what’s worse is I had no idea to expect it.  If I knew to expect the estranged in-law situation up-front, I wouldn’t have invested myself into it so much emotionally, thus making it so hard to recover.  What’s worse is just when I feel like I can deal with it, I experience terrible disappointment and anger at the treatment my in-laws give our biological son.  My mother-in-law has not seen him since he was 9 months old (he is almost 6 ½).  My brothers and sisters-in-law (there are 5 of them) have probably seen him all tolled a dozen times since he was born. The disrespect and disregard they show to their own flesh-and-blood nephew is very hard for a mother to take.  I don’t have an answer for it, but this is the reality of my situation and hopefully yours will not be the same.

Pussification

Huh?!  Did you read that right?  Yes, it says pussification.  It’s a word I made up.  Think of the word “multiplication”.  One of its definitions is “the result of multiplying”.  Well, my definition of pussification is the result of being a pussy.

 

What does this have to do with anything?  Well, I guarantee you that not too long into your role as a stepmom, you will witness your partner becoming a pussy.  Get this clear though, he will be the “manly man” with you, but he will become pussified with his ex-wife.  The first couple of times it happens, you aren’t really even aware of it.  But,as time goes on, you will see this out of character development and be stunned and eventually very angry. 

 

Let me give you an example…you know how you might be “corrected” by your husband for not acting the way he wanted you to or be told you that you were being unreasonable when you stood your ground?  Well, it is the exact opposite with his ex-wife.  You will be riding in the car and his cell phone rings. You notice that his voice has adopted an air of overt niceness to it.  Not really paying attention, you ignore it figuring it’s a customer of his.  But, the phone call continues on a little longer than it should and you realize you hear yelling coming from the other side and – let me make this abundantly clear – 99% of the time he maintains the sweet tone of voice.  No matter how intense the issue may be, he will listen patiently, eventually have some casual banter and end the call cordially with her.  It is astounding.  When you are held hostage in the car and this happens, you just want to scream.  Invariably, when he hangs up you are steaming and if you say a word you will regret it because he will vent on you immediately.

 

Another example is when he talks to his ex, it’s always in the first person.  To be fair, this may not be how he handles it initially, but in my case, it quickly evolved to this.  When referring to anything related to the kids it became, “I’ll pick them up at 3:00”, “I’ll take them to the doctor”, “I’ll make sure they get that project done”, etc.  What then happens is the triangular relationship I wrote about a few postings ago boomerangs back even stronger.  Even when all the parties involved knew that I was the one commuting the boys, my husband would get the call about a change in pick-up time or something else and then he would have to call me to convey the message.  There was no direct communication with me whatsoever.

 

On all fronts from a stepmom standpoint this behavior is just flat-out wrong.  Believe me, I can understand being a pussy out of fear that your ex-wife can take you back to Court and make your life even more miserable. But - and read this closely - it doesn’t guarantee that it will prevent it from happening.  How do I know?  That is what happened to us.  I can see my husband’s rationale that he didn’t want to set her off when she would call and be a raging maniac.  I can also see how he thought it was the right thing to exclude me from the picture by not saying “we” or not insisting that she call me directly instead of reinforcing the view that I am an “outsider”.  But this approach is fundamentally wrong.  He didn’t want to bring my name up with her to avoid upsetting her and having her go off on a tangent of how she hates me.  Unfortunately, all it did was allow her to wield the power over the situation.

 

The accumulation of power begins slowly but grows exponentially.  Suddenly, this petite, helpless “victim” is the 10,000 lb gorilla.  When it grows so out of control I really don’t know how you can reclaim a balance of power after it has gotten so incongruous.  As I alluded to above, our situation basically imploded on us and she raked us over the coals.  While the ashes are still smoldering for us, I can’t say that we now have the power scale balanced because that can never happen with the current Family Law system as long as you have minor children and are not the custodial parent.  But what can happen is what should have happened at the beginning.  He will need to speak in terms of “we” and make sure my role is acknowledged with both her and the boys.  He cannot perpetuate the triangularity in communication where I am involved.  Whether it will be with her, or one of the boys, he will need to insist they communicate with me directly.  And, when resistance is met, it is imperative that all potential pussification is avoided by him saying to her, “She has been a part of my life for 12 years and will continue to be so get over it.”

Validation

I know I’ve mentioned it before, but when you’re a stepparent, a little validation goes a long way.  A couple of years ago when I was going through yet another period of struggle in my role, I did a little research.  I found some interesting information on Answers.com regarding the topic of stepfamily.  For instance, the article outlines the key differences between the dynamics in a stepfamily and a first time nuclear family.  A few of these differences resonated loud and clear for me.  These are:

 

• “Stepfamilies ultimately result from a loss, death of a parent/spouse, divorce…and, therefore,     involve grief on the part of both parents and children.  This grief may remain unresolved and

affect stepfamily relationships.”

 

• “ Children in stepfamilies are members of two households and, as a result, may experience   confusion, discipline issues, loss of stability, and conflicting feelings of loyalty.”  The loyalty issue

has always been huge in my situation due to the guilt their biological mother places on them if

they hint that I play a positive role in any way. 

 

•   “The role of the stepparent and status in the family is often unclear with regard to authority, level of involvement with the stepchild, and discipline.  In addition, no legal relationship exists between stepparents and stepchildren.”  Hallelujah!!  Someone nailed this one!  I can’t tell you the relief that washed over me when I read this realizing that I wasn’t imagining how I was feeling.  AND, the legal relationship which may seem unimportant at the moment CAN have a major impact on you later as I will tell you about in a future posting.

 

• “Stepparents must assume parental roles before there is an emotional bond with the stepchild and are often required to make instant adjustments to a parental role.  In contrast, biological parents bond with their child as the child grows.”  Yes!  Once again, validation.  I have touched upon these issues in my past postings titled You Will Never Have a Honeymoon and Perspective Taking.

 

Furthermore in this article, there was reference to the fact that marriages with stepfamilies have a greater risk of failure due to increased stresses of stepfamily life. It stated that “these stresses include the unclear role and authority of the stepparent, financial responsibility for stepchildren, conflict between custodial and noncustodial parents, and emotional tensions.” Let’s see… check, check, check and check!  All true in my case!

 

Finally, the discussion of parental concerns mentioned the following:

 

            While stepmothers face some of the same issues that stepfathers face, both 

part-time and full-time stepmothers have a more difficult role in the stepfamily

and are often expected to be more involved with their stepchild due to socialization

pressures (being a mother), societal expectations, and expectations from their husband.

 

Wow!  Did someone put a “nanny cam” in my house and I didn’t know about it?  I couldn’t have described it better myself.

  

The one point that I have to disagree with in the article was the statement that the first two years after the stepfamily is formed has been identified as a crucial time period for stepfamily success and parents and stepparents should be more concerned during these first two years.  I differ completely on this and my situation was counter to this.  The children were very young when I first came into their lives -- too young yet to be sucked into their mother’s manipulation.  Also, during that same period, their mother’s social life was in a good place for her.  But, when her social life hit a dry period and the one child especially fell under her spell of manipulation, things began to go in a different direction for us.  The relationship we initially developed that focused on the children – we would all go to school functions, etc.  evolved into an "us vs. their mom" relationship where everyone has lost.

 

I cannot emphasize how important it is to seek out validation to your feelings and how you handle issues that arise as a stepparent.  Open up to people and you will find out that there are other stepmoms right beside you in yoga class or in your son’s art class.  It is important to feel understood and have an ally and we must all support each other.

Perspective Taking

One of the most challenging things that has been pervasive from the beginning for me is the feeling that your partner doesn’t do enough perspective taking when it comes to your relationship with his kids.  What I mean by this is that he has been there from Day One with his kids.  They have continued a relationship, albeit an altered one since he divorced their mother.  Yes, things are different than they were when the family unit existed under one roof. Everyone is learning to adjust to the changes but the main fact remains, his role as their father has gone unchanged.  I know what I said is redundant, but I don’t think it can be over-emphasized with the point I am trying to make.

 

You see, while my partner was adjusting to his new living situation, I was adjusting to one as well.  On top of that, I was trying to develop three relationships simultaneously – one with him, one with a 6 year-old, and one with a 4 year-old.  As relationships grow, so do “problems” or “issues”.  What might have been overlooked initially because you were caught up in the newness of it all, can suddenly irritate you tremendously. When you are involved with someone, you work through these things and try to change what you can if you want to make the relationship work.  In my case, what happened was, there were the “adult things” here and there that we addressed between us.  But then, I got more “things” added to my plate.  Things like “you’re not affectionate enough with the kids”, “you expect too much of them”, “don’t make them feel bad about something their mother had them do”.  Not that these are a big deal for most people, but they were for me.  I never had a relationship with young kids of any kind before and I was doing the best I could.  I felt like I was under a microscope and constantly criticized for what were deemed my shortcomings.  Other than cooking and cleaning for the boys, there were years I didn’t feel that I did anything else right.  Many times I felt I was living in their house.  I even remember at one time saying to my husband that the boys basically view me as a glorified housekeeper and he agreed!!  He said that they would come to appreciate me one day, etc.  But that was not the point.  The point was that I needed him try to stand in my shoes.

 

You see, it is essential that as early as possibly in your relationship, for you to get your partner to stop and view your life from where you stand.  I didn’t do that soon enough and it did cause me to feel ostracized from them.  When I would try to express my feelings, he wouldn’t take the time to validate how hard it is to grow a relationship when you come in as the third party who isn’t ”Miss Party Time With the Kids” – I wanted to be a mom.  I wish that he would’ve taken the time to understand where I was coming from and play a more essential role in helping me bond with the boys instead of making me feel as if the burden was solely on me to build the relationship.  For example, one Christmas Season when my husband went to their mom’s house to bring them over, there was a heated exchange in front of the boys regarding me that culminated with her yelling, “I hate her!” and other choice things that I will save for another posting.  I remember my husband coming home and telling me about it and further telling me that I needed to talk to the boys about it because they were upset.  The next thing I know, I’m trying to smooth this over with the boys myself.  What’s wrong with this picture?  First of all, how did it become my burden to straighten out this attack on me?  And, where was my husband in this discussion with the boys showing support for me and functioning as a family?  That was a wrong move on my part, but I was always so worried about trying to make everyone happy – even at my own expense!

 

The perspective taking needs to be reinforced constantly.  Even now, with so many changes in the visitation with my stepsons, my husband has a tendency to forget.  He forgets that he talks with his boys (I have no contact), and more recently has spent a significant amount of one-on-one time with each of his sons.  As a result, he forgets that his relationship with them is in a completely different place than mine or our son’s.  He will tell me something like next time he is in town the boys will have to come over and whatever.  When I react to it because I am not prepared, he gets irritated with me.  Yet, he completely forgets that I have had ZERO interaction with one of the boys for 6 months.  I feel as if he negates the feelings I have been trying to work through (not to mention those of our son’s) because he is solely looking at how the status of his relationship is with the boys at the time.  This is very difficult for me and sometimes makes me feel like “well, we were going to let you into our little club, but since you won’t do it on our terms, you can just watch us have a bonding experience together while you wait on us.”  Hate to tell you, but I have felt this way many more times than I haven’t.  Hopefully some day my husband will put his guard down enough to look at things from my perspective and realize that I’ve been given a raw deal many a time.  I also have to take responsibility that I didn’t force the issue harder at the beginning, but I honestly thought it was one of those things that would get better in time.

You Will Never Have a Honeymoon

Not to rain on your parade or anything, but I am going to be blatantly honest that when you marry a man with children, the visions of the romantic life after your perfect wedding that dances in your head is a complete dream.  Accept the fact right now that the day after you officially become “Mrs. Man With Ex-Wife and Kids”, that is exactly who you become.  Even when you may only have the kids every other weekend at first, it still takes the focus away from you.  It may not show up for a month or two, but it eventually will.  At first, you will find that you and your new husband are enjoying the experience of “your life” and then the bubble is burst and the kids are there.  You will become irritated with yourself because this bothers you.  Your conscious mind knows that these are sweet, innocent children caught up in a divorce that is no fault of their own,  but your subconscious is upset that just when things are going well for you, it has to stop and the life that you want to live has to be put on hold.   This is a struggle that made me feel like a bad person on one hand; as if I was insensitive to the children and just being selfish.  But, on the other hand, these are very valid, very real feelings that should not be brushed away.  Every new bride marrying for the first time wants to feel like a princess at least for a while and that is just not possible in a situation such as this. 

 

When I tried to talk to my husband about it, I always ended up feeling selfish because they were just little kids.  He did try to help me and would reassure me with, “it will not always be this way, when they are 18, they will be out of the house and you will be number one.”  I heard what he said and convinced myself to just bury those feelings of wanting to be the most important person in my husband’s life because it was unrealistic and foolish. 

 

By the time I was married for six months, the toll it took on me was significant.  I remember talking to my friend (the one I referred to in an earlier posting who was divorced twice and was the reason I didn’t run away from my husband when I found he was married twice before) and telling him that I think that I made a mistake getting married.  We talked at length and it really boiled down to the fact that becoming an Instant Family had created tremendous disillusionment for me.  I was struggling with accepting the reality of what my marriage was – not what I had dreamed it would be.  By this time, we had the boys 50% of the time (7 days on, 7 days off).  My friend helped me perspective shift and look at my life as “the best of both worlds”; one with just my husband, the other with my family.

 

That did help me to cope better with the situation, but believe me, it did not happen overnight.  For many years I can’t tell you how insignificant I felt at times compared to the boys.  People can easily look at a situation such as mine and say, “You knew what you were getting into.  Your husband never kept it a secret that he had kids.”   Sometimes I just wanted to scream, “How could I have possibly known what I was getting into?”  There was no one I knew that married a man with children.  There was nothing written out there to prepare myself for not being the most important person in my husband’s life until we had a child of our own.  So, that is why I am telling you now, be prepared.  Honestly look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you understand what your marriage will be like from the very beginning and if you are prepared to completely and unselfishly commit to it because that is what it’s going to take to survive this journey together.

Another Mother's Day Comes; Another Mother's Day Goes

Well, Mother’s Day is officially over and I have officially not heard from my stepsons again this year.  It was not always this way. When they were little, my husband always made it a point to make sure that they acknowledged me on that day.  But, as they grew older, more often than not, it would go unrecognized by them unless by some odd chance they would be with us that day and my husband would (again) remind them.  I am not saying this is only a step parent thing, because I distinctly remember them missing Father’s Day a couple of years ago.  This is a direct result of their mother refusing to admit I have any maternal influence over “her” boys and she has put pressure on them to not show that they care for me in her presence.  As far as forgetting Father’s Day, well, she was probably not happy with my husband that year so she didn’t remind them; the only sure guarantee was if I reminded them.

 

Back to Mother’s Day 2009….  I went to church and the service very much centered around honoring mothers, whether single or married, and grandmothers.  What it didn’t acknowledge were mothers who lost children or step mothers.  I sat there and realized how wrong that is on both counts.  I also realized for the first time that I finally had a grasp of the aching pain in my heart.  I truly believe that next to losing a child, being estranged from a child you love is right behind that. 

The other thing that confirmed this revelation for me was in April of last year, I had one of the worst weeks in my life.  My husband lost a family law case on a Monday and I lost my father on that Friday.  Having experienced the pain of the death of my Dad was extremely difficult for me and at times the grief seemed overwhelming.  But, in conjunction with that, I also “lost” my stepsons.  (The Court ruled that the boys would only come over to our house when my husband in town from his out-of-state job).  We went from 50% visitation for 10 years to not seeing them for 8 months and even then, just for a few hours.  Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t easy for my husband either, but at least he has communication; our 6 year-old son and I have been cut off completely.  What is heart hurting is that now, at 16 and almost 19 years old, they don’t have enough fond memories and too much “real” mother oppression to pick up the phone or text me “Happy Mother’s Day.”

 

To be perfectly honest, what has kept me from having my heart sucked into that abyss where I felt like I was giving and giving and being pushed further away, was having a child with my husband.  I thank God for our son together because the joy he has brought has helped to heal the gaping hole in my heart.  To sit there in that church service and remember what it was like to “only” have step mom status brought back the feeling of loneliness and isolation that only another step parent can understand.  But, thankfully, I could sit there and enjoy the status of a “real” mother.  Being a “real” mother and experiencing that unconditional love of your child who (at least at 6 years old) thinks you are the best mom in the world.  But, then, when I got home, I wept.  I wept for myself as a step mom and for other step moms because that love you have is still there and it doesn’t want to be received right now.  I wept because as much as I love my “real” son and have him in my life everyday, my heart sees my stepsons as my “real” sons too and always will. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore and realized that right now I live everyday with only a band-aid over that hole in my heart.

Happy Mother's Day to All Stepmoms!

I want to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all of those Stepmoms that are overlooked, forgotten, or taken for granted.  For every Stepmom who has cried alone over hurts and slights that only another step parent could possibly understand.  We need to all stick together and hopefully someday have our own separate day of recognition (Step-Parents Day!!!).  (At least then all of the “real” moms wouldn’t have to feel so threatened!!!).

 

So lift your glass as I propose a toast to all Step-Moms:

 

Here’s to you:

 

For stepping up when the kids needed help or an ear to listen when their “real” mom wasn’t available.

 

For stepping down and taking a back seat when the “real” mom needed to be the center of attention.

 

For stepping aside when you realize that a decision regarding the future of the child you love is completely out of your hands and in the hands of their “real” parents.

 

For stepping out of the way and being the “bigger person” because it’s in the best interests of the children.

 

For stepping on your husband when required to get him to deal with his ex the way he should instead of with “kid gloves”.

 

For stepping forward and not giving up despite the poor treatment you receive from so many people because you really love the children and would be devastated without them in your life.

 

For all of this and many more, Happy Mother’s Day!

"Uh, a Little Help Here, Please?"

O.K.  I know that my postings to date have been “heavy”, so I am going to venture into some of the funny aspects of being a stepmom. 

 

As I said, as a “career woman”, I didn’t have much exposure to kids.  It wasn’t that I didn’t like kids – I never would’ve even considered dating a man with kids if I didn’t.  It’s just that based on what I was doing with my life, I didn’t have the opportunity to be around my friends as they had babies because of job logistics.  I always remember the first time I babysat for my friend’s 2 year-old when I was 34.  Mind you, I had picked him up at daycare numerous times and had him for a few hours here or there, but I never had to deal with “bathroom issues”.  Well, one weekend, my friend asked me to take her son overnight and naively I agreed - not thinking about the potty thing.  I got him in the tub and when he got out he said, “I need my diaper on.”  I looked at him as if he was speaking Martian.  What then transpired would’ve been a classic video – he gave me step by step instructions on how to get the diaper on him.  Needless to say, I was glad when the morning came,and she picked him up and I didn’t have to deal with anything more than “Number 1”.

 

Well, a year after this, I had two little boys in my life.  What Dad didn’t realize is that I was not with these kids from birth, therefore, I was just getting to know them and vice versa.  On top of that, I had not spent any time with any kids their ages for more than a few minutes at a time, so this was all new territory.  And let me tell you this: there is no manual out there to prepare you for this; you will just have to dive in head first.

 

The first “incident” happened on one of our first outings together with the kids when we were just dating.  The 4 year old was in the back of the van needing his shoe tied.  As I tied his shoe, he sweetly said to me, “When I do like this with my tummy (motioning movement in and out), my wiener gets hard as a rock!”  What was I supposed to say to that!  I just said, “Maybe you shouldn’t do that anymore.”  A few short weeks after that, the same boy was in the tub taking a bath.  I went into the bathroom to get clothes out of the hamper.  While I was pulling clothes out and sorting them, he says to me, “Whatcha lookin’ for in there, my penis?”  I just remember looking in the hamper at that moment being completely stunned and decided to pretend I didn’t hear him.  But, of course, he said it again, “Whatcha lookin’ for, my penis?”  I remember standing straight up, avoiding all eye contact, walking out and finding my boyfriend.  When I told him what happened he said, “Just tell him we don’t say things like that in this house.”  Well, that was simple!  But, how was I supposed to know that’s how you handled it? 

 

I gradually became more accustomed to the “boy stuff”.  I think at one point, I even caught my husband off guard.  When the boys were 6 and 8, my husband was working late so I was getting the boys ready for their bath.  I told them to take their clothes off and get in the tub. Noticing that they weren’t in there, I happened to walk by my bedroom that had mirrored wardrobes.  The boys were both standing in front of the mirror with just their shirts on and the older one was pulling the bottom of his shirt tight from the back.  He says to his brother, “Check this out!  Look what happens to your nut sack when you pull your shirt tight.”  As if on cue, the phone rang.  It was my husband and he asked what I was doing.  I said, “Watching your son pull his shirt tight and squishing his nut sack.”  Needless to say there was dead silence, but for once I felt like for a change it wasn’t me in the shocked state.

 

These are just a few of the funny things I encountered and will always cherish as memories.  But, just as there are happy and funny things you have to learn about, there are anger provoking and sad things that you are not prepared for either, but that is for another time!

Get To Know About His Legal Obligations With His Ex-Wife

When I was dating someone, I never really had a need to get too many details about their exes.  I am not the jealous type and I just figured that my boyfriend was over that relationship and was now with me. So, unless she was some public figure or someone I could run into in my daily routine, the less I knew the better.  But, what I learned the hard way is that you CANNOT apply that same philosophy to someone with an ex-wife – especially one a man has had children with.  You see, unlike other exes, she is not truly an ex.  This ex will become a part of your relationship whether you like it or not.  I mentioned the “relationship triangle” in a posting a week ago and that is exactly what you are in store for.  It is why I like to give the generic advice to someone who tells me she just started dating a man with children.  I just say, “Never date a man with children unless his ex-wife is dead.”  Ahhh, what a simpler life I would have….

 

Well, that is not the case for me, but something that could’ve helped me from Day One was to learn everything I could about her so I could see what power she could potentially wield over my husband.  The first thing to do is this:  ask your fiancé for a copy of his divorce documentation and review it thoroughly.  Understand what alimony if any) he has to pay and the Child Support.  Make sure you CLEARLY understand everything that is mandatory on your fiancé’s part and verify that he is complying with it.  Make sure that he is documenting every dime he is sending to her.  Whatever you don’t understand discuss with your partner to see if he has clarity on it.  Chances are, he may not. That doesn’t speak ill about him; you just have to remember that a divorce with children has to be an emotional drain and he may have just signed his name to the court docs without really understanding them completely. If you both are unclear about ANYTHING or are performing duties (i.e., more visitation on your part), you need to discuss it with an attorney immediately.  Once you have clarification and are abiding by the ruling DO NOT RELAX.  Believe me, things creep up on you.  In our case, the every other weekend visitation started to increase the first summer we were together because child care was too much of a burden for her with no school in session.  So, we started to take the kids 7 days on 7 days off.  But, guess what?  It worked so well for her, that when school started back up again, we stayed on the same schedule.  We did that for 10 years and my husband NEVER sought a modification.  His rationale was that they communicated and there was no sense in rocking the boat and paying all the money for an attorney, etc.  Well, it bit him in the behind BIG TIME.  The lawsuit we ended up against claimed she was the custodial parent and she said we never had them 50% of the time.  Along with this and several other horrific lies she asserted to the Court, we were in a losing situation.  (I will expand upon this Court issue in further postings).

 

The main point I am making is this:  know legally what your husband is bound to in his Court docs.  Don’t let emotion get in the way.  Do what you have to do and document it.  When you start doing more, document it.  Even if you think you can’t afford it, you MUST consult with an attorney every year.  You absolutely can’t afford not to.   The attorney can either submit a modification to the Court for what you are doing outside of the scope of your requirements, or advise you otherwise.  You need to review with the attorney your partner's income, how you can protect what you bring to the relationship financially, what she isn’t complying with in the ruling, etc.  As I said, I will revisit this many times moving forward, but this advice is crucial to your financial, emotional, and physical well-being - if not now, then in the future.  Trust me.