Do you sometimes feel that you wish you could wake up and be living a different life? Do you feel like there is no one that understands what you’re going through? Do you feel completely misunderstood and unjustly maligned? Do you spend a lot of time crying alone? Do you have anger well up inside you because you feel so helpless or viewed as “the enemy”? Do you ask yourself, “would I do this all over again”?
As a stepmom, these are just a few thoughts that could swim through your mind several times a day every single day. The million dollar question is: what can you do about it so it doesn’t take over your life? There is no magic wand you can wave and make it all perfect, but I believe there are some fundamental things you can do to make it a little better. I came up with these suggestions by the lessons I have learned through hard-earned experience over the past 12 years.
1) Set your priorities straight. Very simply, realize this: you met their father and fell in love with him and married him. Therefore, make sure you nurture your marriage first and foremost. I realize that there are going to be situations where once you get married it seems as if your husband only married you so he had a caretaker for his children. But remember that was not why you got married. Make that clear to your husband both verbally and in your actions. If you make your husband a priority over his children, I believe that he will feel supported enough in his situation as a divorced father (with all the threats of legal action, verbal abuse, etc. from his ex) that he will support you better as a stepmom.
2) Be true to yourself. You need to have enough confidence to stand up for what you believe in. This means several things on different levels. For example, you may be told by relatives, in-laws, etc. that you need to just accept certain treatment or situations. As with anything in life, it is always wise to “pick your battles”, but as a stepmom, you can’t allow things that go against your beliefs to start becoming the norm because you get worn down. You need to “fill yourself up” (as my doctor once told me) with what makes you feel happy and whole. That means if you need to get a workout in to make you feel good and recharged instead of shuttling the kids yet again to one of their commitments, you make sure it happens. These children have a mother and a father and other relatives who can watch them – and would be watching them - if you weren’t around. Remember that and don’t feel guilty about it like I did. Don’t be so self-sacrificing that resentment starts to build. Look at what their “real” mother is doing for herself compared to you and if you see that she is doing inordinately more, you need to make some changes. I’m not saying to be selfish; just smart. Suffering and sacrificing in silence only builds resentment. It is O.K. to say “no”.
3) Don’t take it personally. You may come to the same conclusion that I did after much agonizing, that it really isn’t you that his ex and/or your in-laws don’t like; it’s the position you fill. The sooner you realize this and come to accept it; the better it is for you. This was one of the hardest things for me to do. It is difficult to understand how unfairly – and sometimes just plain mean – you can be treated when you are last person who wants to hurt anyone. I’m sure for me, getting over this had to do with a lack of self-confidence to some degree. To be honest, I only got on the other side of this sticking point through a lot of prayer.
4) Create the expectation and be consistent. One thing you need to realize is that if you are truly a wicked stepmom, this will be revealed pretty quickly into the relationship so quit using so much energy trying to prove that you aren’t one. Think about it – you would always be sending the kids off somewhere so they wouldn’t be around, forcing them to eat things they hate, adhering to a military school set of rules, or just plain being mean. Since you are reading this, I have to assume that you are a stepmom who wants to be the best you can be and genuinely cares for and loves her stepchildren but are struggling with the realities of the situation. The best thing you can do here is focus on what you have control of, think long term, and do it. Be loving, supportive, provide guidance, help with homework, teach them how to take care of themselves, and whatever else you deem necessary and be consistent about it. Think of how you want these children to think of you not only now, but 20 years from now. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be flexible – you have to be, but believe me, if you can frame what you do for your stepchildren within the amount of control that you are allowed to have, you will be an integral part of their lives because there is so much inconsistency that can arise in divorced families. If you want the kids to think of you as a glorified housekeeper (major mistake that I did) then focus on taking care of all of their needs and putting great dinners on the table, helping with homework, etc. I tried to change the image I projected years into our relationship and that was difficult to do. The main thing is to be consistent with your good intentions, be adaptable, accept that you aren’t their “real” mother, and believe that you are their “bonus” mom.
5) Never speak ill of their mother. Don’t, under any circumstances, speak ill of the children’s mother when they are anywhere in the vicinity of you. Better yet, if there is something that is bugging you that she did, wait until they are back at her house to talk about it with your husband or friends. To get it off your chest in the interim, write about it in your journal or to a blog such as this to get the support that you need. This is critical. You always want to have the confidence that the children will never be able to say “She said….”
6) Focus on being happy and have fun. Yes, step parenting is fraught with difficulties and it is important to talk about them and have validation and support. But, it is equally important to talk about the good things and have fun. I think because there has been such a lack of support for stepmoms in the past, we could easily get caught up in the difficulties. But, support is out here now which can allow you to vent and then refocus on what you need to do. Being any type of parent has its challenges, but it also has its benefits. I remember when I was first immersed in this and didn’t know what I was doing. My 4 year-old stepson was at that age where he was full of compliments to women and easily demonstrated affection for women that were nice to him. I was blessed with being a recipient of his love. I remember the first time I had him by myself and had to give him a bath before my husband got home. I didn’t have any clothes to put on him, so I took one of my husband’s shirts and tied a belt around it to keep it from dragging on the floor. After I got him situated I said, “There. You look just like a prince!” And he said back to me, “And you’re a princess and we can get married!” This is one of those priceless experiences that I will never forget and no one can ever take away from me. Focus on these benefits and it will reap rewards – maybe not immediately, but be patient.
I hope this helps a little bit. Feel free to e-mail me or comment if you want to discuss anything more specific.