Real Life of a Stepmom

"Hurting People Hurt Others"

When I still lived in Florida, I would often drive and listen to Joyce Meyer in the mornings.  In one of her messages where she was talking about mean, unkind people she made the comment that “hurting people hurt others.”  That really struck me and I started to think about the truth behind that.  My first thoughts went to my husband’s ex-wife because she is someone who, unfortunately, always seems to do something “mean”.  It brought into perspective for me that for this woman to be so consumed with trying to hurt others, she must really be hurting deep down as well.  Pushing my sarcastic self aside that wanted to say, “what could she possible be hurting about with all of the financial devastation she has caused us?”, I decided to really think about her from an empathetic perspective.  While I certainly don’t know for sure what her “hurt” is, I could guess a few of them are: living with the constant reminder that her “indiscretion” led to her sons not having a father around on a daily basis, having to be a mother and a father when the boys were with her, not having a man around to lead her in finances, parenting, etc., realizing that short-term gratification has long-term consequences a little too late, etc.  Maybe I am completely off base…maybe these are some of the things I am just hoping she thinks about.  Perhaps she is only hurt because she never thought her husband would leave her under any circumstance and she feels abandoned.  That could easily be the case.  The point for me in all this is simply: a happy person doesn’t go around hurting others.  Which got me to thinking….

I consider myself a “happy” person yet, I would be lying to you if I didn’t admit that there have been times when I have been hurting about something and whether consciously or subconsciously, have hurt others.  Think about it; if you’re honest with yourself, you’ve been there too.  Like the time you had a headache, backache or some other physical pain and your temper was short and you inadvertently took it out on your spouse or kids.  Or how about the time where you had a bad day at work and were feeling emotionally hurt from being unappreciated and once again, took it out on someone else at home.  I started to examine my actions when I am feeling hurt regardless of the source of the hurt, and I am very convicted by my selfishness and acting as if the world just revolves around me. I feel awful for how I have redirected some of my hurt and will make it a conscious effort to be more aware of doing this next time. 

What I really learned (once again) by thinking about this phrase was that I can only change myself.  I can’t change my husband’s ex-wife and what she does and how she treats people.  BUT, I can change how I view her behavior.  Instead of reacting and falling into the same thought pattern about her, I can respond more compassionately realizing that she is coming from a place of “hurt”.  Whether that hurt she carries around is justified or unjustified is not for me to say. 

We Did It, But Not Alone

Haven’t had a chance to write since my last posting, but all I have to say is, “we did it”, but it was not through our strength alone.  For the first time in 3 ½ years, we all attended an event together – in this case, my younger stepson’s graduation from high school.  AND, I have to say, all thanks to God, it was a pleasant experience.

After how upset my biological son was at the thought of having to see my husband’s ex-wife and my mind not wanting to forget all of the mean and vindictive things that she has done over the years, I turned to prayer.  I knew in my conscious mind that I had forgiven her because she no longer took residence in my mind throughout the day.  However, I knew that the truth of whether I had really forgiven was going to be tested at this event.  To say the words, “Love thy neighbor as thyself” isn’t so hard when it’s just you alone in a room, but to face someone who has for all intents and purposes acted as your enemy over the years was another story.  I knew that this was not something I could do alone.  I knew that only through prayer for God’s supernatural grace would I be able to get through this and continue to move forward. 

I can attest to the fact that God answered my prayers.  Not only was I able to attend this event and sit 3 feet from her for 3 hours, but for most of that time, I forgot she was even there because I was enjoying the ceremony.  I know this was not of my doing because NEVER in the 14 years I have known her has it been easy to be in her proximity for many reasons.  Even beyond that, when she invited us to join them for dinner, I agreed and we all did that.  Let me tell you, that was a FIRST.  Never, in all these years have we celebrated some occasion for either of the boys all together.  The most heartwarming thing about it was knowing how happy it made them to have both their mother and father together at the same time to celebrate such an occasion.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying everything is perfect and now we all live happily ever after.  Look, during the dinner there were several instances where she had to “trump” me and explain things for “my benefit” pertaining to things about the boys growing up as if I just came on the scene today.  Yes, I can tell you it is irritating; but much less irritating.  As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for her that she has to act like that to feel important.

I talked with my husband a couple of months ago and told him that I don’t want to feel like just a guest at the weddings when our boys get married.  I want to know who they are marrying and what their dreams and goals are.  I want to be a family despite how impossible it can seem at times. I think this was a good start for us.