In this day and age, when we have problems that arise, it is not unusual to seek counseling. There is nothing wrong with doing that, however, I have to caution you to make sure you find a counselor aligned with your beliefs – especially from a spiritual standpoint. That is not to say that you can’t get help from someone who doesn’t practice your faith; it just means that you may be given advice that does not align with your belief system and it can end up having a detrimental effect on your family.
Speaking from personal experience, when we were having difficulties in the relationship with our stepsons about 4 years ago, we decided on family counseling. The counselor was a nice guy, but mistake number one is that we are a Christian family and we should’ve sought a Christian counselor. We took the advice of this professional despite the feelings that we had that some of the things didn’t sit right with us. (Obviously, God was prodding us to listen to Him, not the counselor, but we made the wrong choice here). I will give you two examples. First, when my husband was approached for the job that would take him across the country and away from his family, when he would stop and think about leaving his family, he would cry. It was especially difficult for him to leave my younger stepson. He would just weep at the thought of leaving him behind at just shy of 15 years old. Well, obviously when we had a counseling session without the boys, this topic was discussed. The counselor told my husband that he shouldn’t feel badly about leaving. He went on to say that “…at this age, he has developed the coping mechanisms he needs and he will be fine.” I guess maybe that’s what my husband wanted to hear so that he could take the job without guilt, but that was never the case. Our son needed his dad many times to get him through things and my husband suffered terribly with the separation. The second example I can give you affected me directly. My husband’s ex-wife was making it increasingly difficult for me to have a relationship with my stepsons. It seemed that the older they got, the more she manipulated them into staying away from our house unless their dad was there. So, one day I went to the counselor by myself and brought up this issue. I told him that it is becoming worse as time goes on. His rationale for it was this: “the maternal instinct is so strong that any threat can cause a mother to act defensively.” I left that session feeling once again like the outcast and based on what the counselor told me, I concluded that with her “maternal instinct right”, I would have to basically concede to her every time because she was, for all intents and purposes, “better” that me because they were her sons and not mine. Let me tell you how dangerous this advice was. It took me well over 3 years to have God bring me to my senses. One day when I was watching my biological son and experiencing that feeling of overwhelming love for him, I thought of my stepsons and how much I love them and miss them. I also thought about how blessed I am for anyone that comes into my son’s life that showers love on him and spends time with him. Then it clicked. What was that counselor talking about??? A maternal instinct is not isolated to the biological mother for her birth children. After all, why would anyone foster or adopt children if that is how it worked? I felt the maternal instinct for all of my children. What the counselor failed to help me with was that I was a perceived threat to her. In her insecurity she probably was scared that her boys would love me more. I was and am not any threat to the boys. It took 3 years for me to wake up to the truth of the matter.
Bottom line: seeking counseling can be a good thing, just make sure you choose the right counselor.
