I am writing this post to those women out there dating men with children. I was recently talking to a friend of mine who has a friend doing exactly what she shouldn’t: making excuses for the behavior of the guy she is dating. Sure, we’ve all been there and hopefully most of us realized in “normal” situations that when we are making too many excuses then something is wrong. BUT, when you get into a different situation – this time a man with children – when you start making excuses, there is A LOT more at stake.
Let me give it to you straight: just because you think you are getting older and may not have the opportunity to have kids like you dreamed about, this is NOT the next best thing. You are not going to get the fairy tale family you dreamed of. Not only does marriage take a lot of work to be successful when it is just the two of you to start, with every child you add and every ex-spouse, it is that much more work. You have no idea what you are getting into if you don’t hear it from someone who has been there. You figure that if you just love the kids it will all work out, but there are so many other dynamics at play that are completely out of your control. If you marry this man, he will have more patience with his ex-wife than he has with you. Why? As my husband would say, “I don’t have to live with her.” But, a deeper reason is that this woman has more power than your husband. She has the power to take his kids away from him more than she already has. In my experience, if the woman was the primary cause of the divorce, there is always a threat lurking in the background. Let’s face it, if a woman is going to totally violate the trust of a marriage and cheat on her husband for example, what is going to stop that same woman from using her trump card when she has a need to feel vindicated? (Don’t get me wrong…I am sure there are women who made mistakes that cost them marriages that have taken responsibility for what they have done and changed their ways. I, unfortunately, just don’t know of any.) And, if it’s not the kids she threatens him with, it’s taking him back to Court for more money – or even worse – both. There is no way a man can be fully engaged in a relationship with you with all of the other things pressing in on him. And, yes, the majority of men will lean on you heavily for you to “mother” his kids. Let’s face it, he is not a woman and for most men it is overwhelming to have to take care of the children the way a woman does.
The primary point I am making here is this: if you can be totally honest with yourself and completely know that you can be unselfish, loving, sacrificing, and forgiving every single day without complaint, then you more than likely have what it takes to make it as a stepmom and be happy. However, if you already need to vent to friends about your situation, you really need to assess whether or not you can honestly change to be the type of person this situation requires or else decide to move on. Staying in a situation because you fear that you are running out of time from a biological clock standpoint is nothing but selfish. You need to remember that it’s not just about you and the man you are involved with. There are children who didn’t ask to be in the situation and you really need to look at their best interests. Prolonging a relationship doomed for failure is not fair to them. You are an adult; they are not. Do what you need to do. God will bless you with the right man and the right relationship. Trying to make something work that isn’t meant to be will only produce heartache for you and everyone else involved.
