As I have written in the past, a primary difficulty as a stepmom is dealing with the ex-wife. If no semblance of a positive relationship is developed with this woman, you are destined for years of friction. You may think that by having very minimal to no interaction with the ex-wife and having your husband handle all of the interaction is working for you, but quit kidding yourself. It may be working for you in your own selfishness of wanting to deny her existence, but it is not working for the children – especially if you have a child with your husband.
Let me explain myself. When my son was born, I had known my stepsons for 5 ½ years and we had long established a visitation schedule that consisted of alternating 7 days with their mom and then 7 days with us. So, when our son was born, he was born into that way of life with his brothers. What I didn’t realize was that as my son grew and became more aware of his surroundings and the element of time, he became aware that his brothers would go away for a while and then come back. We had all slipped back into the routine we were familiar with over the years never thinking that this little boy couldn’t grasp where his brothers disappeared to. When the boys were “done” with the week at our house, my son would invariably ask where they were later in the day and I would say, “At Jane’s" (I am using a fictitious name here to protect the children). After answering this question the same way every time he asked, after about 2 months at no more than 2 ½ years old he asked me, “What’s Jane?” My first thought (filled with sarcasm) was, “That’s a good question, where do I even begin?” BUT, my immediate second thought was, “Wow, this poor little boy really has no idea that Jane is a person and not a place!”
In order for me to explain what Jane was, I had to try to explain how Daddy was married to someone else before me and she is his brothers’ mommy. Of course, that was way too abstract for a child his age to grasp, and since I had little to no interaction with this woman, he had no one to help put the equation together for him since he didn’t know who she was. At least if I had seen her every once and a while when he was with me, he could’ve pieced the puzzle together to the best of his ability. But instead, not really comprehending everything, this “Jane Place” he had fabricated continued to grow in his little head to become a bad place that took his brothers away from him. I finally figured that out when she had complications from surgery and we went to the hospital to see how she was doing. My husband and I had no choice but to bring him. At this time he was 4 ½ years old. When we walked into the hospital room, he hid behind me the entire time. My husband was scolding him for not being polite and I was a little irritated too with the “timid” behavior. But when I looked in his eyes, I actually saw that he was afraid. My poor little boy had come face-to-face with the monster he had created in his mind! When I realized that, I picked him up and held him tightly on the way out of the hospital. When we got home, I sat down with him and talked for a long time. At least at this point he was old enough to understand that Jane was his brothers’ mommy and just like he likes being with me, they like being with their mommy too.
Needless to say, there was improved understanding after this and he realized that the “what” was really a “who”. But, even now, there is no real understanding of the relationship his brothers have with their mom simply because there is no relationship from our end. What I feel is the only way through this is to validate feelings and then talk about it with whatever perspective they can handle. With my son getting older, we try to model what a family is supposed to be and with the relationships that aren’t where we would like them to be, we talk about it. My prayer for my sons is that all of them will marry for all of the right reasons, stay married, and let their children just be children.
