Well, we made our cross country move and there is so much to tell, but what is heavy on my heart today is my son. He started a new school last week and it is so different than his other school. It is twice the size with a closed campus so instead of walking him to his class in the morning, I have to just drop him at the curb. I think the dropping at the curb bothered me more than him, but regardless, it is a big difference for a mom who has never done that.
Yesterday my husband told me that it actually is better if he drops our son off at school because he has to get out of the house early anyway. I said O.K., and didn’t think much more about it. This morning, everyone got ready and I said good-bye as he got in the car with his dad. I felt so, so sad and wanted to cry when I should’ve been happy that I have the extra time to myself. Fifteen minutes went by and I called my husband to see how it went. He said, “Is he always so quiet on the way to school?” I said, “No.” and quickly realized that this was a HUGE adjustment for him as well as me.
You see, this whole experience has made me sadly aware of something my son and I have done. As I have mentioned before, all of the heartache I experienced with my stepsons where I just wanted the best for them but other things and issues interfered with allowing that to happen I realized over time I transferred this love that had no where to go to “my” son when he was born. I knew that there was nothing that could take that relationship away from me and I realize now how much I have come to depend on it. Not only that, HE has unknowingly become dependant on that too with trying to cope with the changes in his relationship with his brothers and the loss surrounding that. I came to this conclusion because my son is never quiet on the way to school and I had to realize that in over 365 days of school since kindergarten AND all of preschool on top of that, I have dropped him off EVERY, SINGLE DAY…but not today. I realize that I feel sad because it is bringing back memories of feelings of dropping off my stepsons and watching my baby’s lip quiver and him turn his head away so they wouldn’t see him cry when they said good-bye not knowing when we would see them again. I realize that my son probably doesn’t know why he feels sad other than it is strange to him to not have me drop him off. He absolutely knows I will be there to pick him up later today, but I am sure it stirs up emotions that revolve around all of the loss he has experienced.
I told my husband that he doesn’t have to drop him off every day – partly out of my selfishness. But, I also think that it is important for us to both share this duty to let our son know that we both love him and will be there for him and aren’t going anywhere any time soon. It is imperative for his mental health to learn – even subconsciously – that not everyone he loves goes away for long periods of time.
