Real Life of a Stepmom

Gender Makes No Difference

It really never occurred to me that stepmoms with stepchildren of one gender may think one combination might be easier than others.  You see, since I have two stepsons and a friend of mine has two stepdaughters and other friends have various combinations, one thing I realized very quickly is that whatever the gender your stepchildren are, it makes no difference - you will encounter similar problems and situations regardless.

 

What brought this to my attention was when I attended a women’s function Friday evening and I was making the usual small talk with the hostess of our table.  Through the conversation I found out that she had a 15 year-old step daughter along with a 3 other biological children.  When I asked her how her experience was at being a stepmom she said, “It was hard at first, but now we’re friends.”  I told her that I was asking because I too was a stepmom, but I had stepsons and had encountered some difficulties along the way.  She was shocked to hear that.  She said, “I thought with boys that it would be a lot easier.”  I told her that boys are intensely loyal and protective of their mothers especially if the divorce occurs when they are young.

 

 I found it amazing that she was not aware of that and this is why I decided to quickly touch base on this topic. We as stepparents need to realize that we all have a common thread and need to be sensitive to each other’s situations even if they don’t mirror ours from the gender standpoint.  Let’s not assume that our situation is harder than another because I guarantee that every single one of us has had at least one day where we hit the bottom and thought it would never get better.  It is important that when we meet other stepparents we reach out to them and offer our support and encouragement because we all know what a lonely place it can be at times.  Sometimes all we need it that one stepmom to say, “I understand” and it gives us the strength to pick up and keep moving forward.

Happy Mother's Day

I am re-posting this from last year to all the stepmoms out there!

I want to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all of those Stepmoms that are overlooked, forgotten, or taken for granted.  For every Stepmom who has cried alone over hurts and slights that only another step parent could possibly understand.  We need to all stick together and hopefully someday have our own separate day of recognition (Step-Parents Day!!!).  (At least then all of the “real” moms wouldn’t have to feel so threatened!!!).

 

So lift your glass as I propose a toast to all Step-Moms:

 

Here’s to you:

 

For stepping up when the kids needed help or an ear to listen when their “real” mom wasn’t available.

 

For stepping down and taking a back seat when the “real” mom needed to be the center of attention.

 

For stepping aside when you realize that a decision regarding the future of the child you love is completely out of your hands and in the hands of their “real” parents.

 

For stepping out of the way and being the “bigger person” because it’s in the best interests of the children.

 

For stepping on your husband when required to get him to deal with his ex the way he should instead of with “kid gloves”.

 

For stepping forward and not giving up despite the poor treatment you receive from so many people because you really love the children and would be devastated without them in your life.

 

For all of this and many more, Happy Mother’s Day!

 

Moving On

After being physically separated from my husband for over two years because of his working out of state, we realized that nothing is going to change any time soon – especially with the current economy.  There were so many reasons that kept us in two separate households and two out of the top four were:  my stepsons and the money that my husband has to pay his ex-wife.

 

While the past 2 ½ years have been far from ideal, at least we have begun to heal some wounds and improve our relationships with my stepsons.  Even though they have only come over once on their own without my husband being here, at least we have been able to see them every 6 weeks or so.  The thought of going months without seeing them kept us from finalizing our decision for a long time.  On the other hand, the biological son we have together has been growing up without his father and at 7 years old it is critical that he has a dad around every day. 

 

The last time my husband came to town, the older boys were over for a little while.  Given their ages and everything going on, we didn’t have as much time as we wanted to inform them of our decision to move.  We sat down over breakfast and told them and unfortunately within 30 minutes they had to leave.  It was emotional for their dad and me.  Part of me feels like I am letting them down, but I know I am not.  The physical separation we have had for over 2 years now has helped in the thought of being 2,600 miles away. The emotional aspect is what is difficult because even though you don’t see each other frequently, just knowing you can in a moment’s notice can be comforting.  My hope is that they know that we love them and we are not abandoning them. 

 

The boys reacted as we thought.  The older offered words of support and expressed that he was surprised it didn’t happen sooner.  The younger was reserved and didn’t say much.  That was hard for us since they had to leave so quickly after us breaking the news, but we have to have faith that the communication we have built over the years will prevail and we can continue to rebuild our relationship.  Our belief is that once the three of us our together, the older boys will be able to spend more quality time with us visiting – something we have not had in a long time.  It is exciting to think about having actual vacation time together instead of a couple of days here and there when my husband comes home.  After everything that has gone on over the years – especially the last 2 1/2 - I am striving to be at the same place a stepmom friend (who also went through a lot of drama and thought she may never have a relationship with her stepkids) told me today, “I’m enjoying the time with my stepkids that I didn’t think I would have.”