When you are a stepmom, it is easy to get caught up in the feeling of being an innocent victim. Sure, the treatment by your husband’s ex-wife is unwarranted, but let’s face it: we were adults when we got married, so we obviously had enough life experience to know that nothing is perfect. On the other hand, it is important to remember that the real victims are the children caught is the crosshairs of a divorce. Sure, the children can learn to manipulate the situation, etc., etc., but for all intents and purposes, it is not their fault(s) that they find themselves in the situation they are in.
Even beyond that, is the child who is the true innocent victim. In my case, it is the son my husband and I have together. He and my two stepsons had a great relationship until he was 5 years old. Fifty percent of the time they were at our house, so for our son, it was a way of life. Then, when that way of life vaporized because of the lawsuit my husband’s ex initiated, my heart would ache for my little boy trying to make sense of it all. With little life experience he couldn’t understand why his brothers didn’t come over anymore. Believe it or not, he figured right away it was their mother (although I am not sure he understood exactly who she was at the time – just the fact that they lived with this other woman and she took them away from him). I tried to reassure him that they would come around. But then, days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. Now, my son was intuitive enough to know that the older boy went off to college and his little mind figured that if he was away from “that woman” then he should be able to talk to him. He understood that the younger one was still living at home and somehow understood his situation. My son started to get angry at his oldest brother and began to take out his anger by drawing pictures of him skateboarding or snowboarding and crashing and his head falling off – you get the picture. Although some of them were pretty funny, I told him that it wasn’t nice to be mean to his brother like that. I told him that he has every right to tell his brothers how he feels when he sees them. That didn’t put a stop to it and he would get adamant and say, “But he could call us!” It was a very trying time.
But here’s the amazing thing…after 9 months, the boys finally showed up when their dad was in town one weekend. I was nervous about seeing them again because there was so much I wanted to say, but couldn’t. It was tense for both me and my husband. But our son? The minute he saw his brothers, it was like they were never away. He ran to them, hugged them and asked, “Do you want to play?” Granted, when they left, it was emotional for all of us – especially him. He cried and didn’t want to see them leave because he had so much fun and didn’t want to have to wait so long to be with them again. But, I continued to notice that no matter how much time elapsed between visits and how angry or frustrated he would get at not hearing from or not seeing his brothers, every single time he saw them again he showed nothing but complete unconditional love for them.
Maybe I am a little slow, but one day it dawned on me, “Why am I on an emotional roller coaster with the boys yet their brother isn’t?” The answer was clear: I needed to just love them. I needed to forget about my hurt feelings and wanting the boys to acknowledge them. I made the decision to be happy for the times we can get together and let the other stuff go. I wanted to be like my son. And guess what? The last few months have been better than they have for many years. I am excited when they are coming over and can’t wait to open the door and see them. It has been a wonderfully transforming experience for me and I have my little boy to thank for it. Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t miraculously fixed with the whole situation, but the quality of our family relationship is vastly improved and it is a wonderful thing. Just one more reason to never give up hope.
Wow. This post comes at perfect timing for me. I have a newborn son and I am constantly worried that my stepchildren are going to just disappear and leave him heartbroken. Thank you for sharing this encouraging story!
Posted by: Cecelia | March 05, 2010 at 09:09 AM