Real Life of a Stepmom

I'm Sorry

It’s amazing how fast 2 years can go – even when you aren’t having the best of times.  I think as I reflect on everything that transpired I need to remind myself that no matter what I’m going through at that moment, things will change.  Maybe they won’t change on my timeframe, but they will change and I need to be careful not to be so focused on what is happening with me, myself, and I all of the time.

 

You see, two years ago in May, my hurt was deeper than I ever experienced.  After losing the lawsuit initiated by my husband’s ex, losing visitation with my stepsons, and losing my father I was shell-shocked.  I wasn’t home from my Dad’s funeral for more than a week when my son and I were headed home and the hill behind our house was on fire.  I was numb emotionally at that point, but my son who was 5 at the time became hysterical at the thought of our house burning down.  Our house was fine – just a little smoky, but a few days later I started having anxiety attacks.  I felt that I needed to regain control over my life and I started with the easiest thing I thought would make me feel better. 

 

One day I ventured to the end of the hall upstairs to the boys’ room.  I had avoided that room except to dust and vacuum for the previous 4 months because it was painful for me to see all of their things and not have a relationship with them.  I decided that I would go through their closet and drawers and donate all of the clothing we had bought them and put all of their personal things out of site as much as possible.  I told my husband I was doing this and he agreed that it would be fine to do.  So, I ended up doing that and I did feel a lot better.  But, did I really?  Now that I look back on it, I wonder if unknowingly my underlying motivation was to make them feel as bad as I did.  I think I wanted to be able to close them out of my life like they did to us.  For a while, in my overloaded emotional state it may have worked, but the first indication that I did something wrong was when they came over to visit for the first time in 9 months.  I remember feeling embarrassed if they went in their room and didn’t see any of their clothes.  Nobody said anything, so neither did I.

 

Over the next year, they came over a couple of times and when they would stay over and ask my husband to borrow some clothes, I would have a little pang of guilt.  Then about a month ago as I was cleaning their room, I stopped and sat down and cried.  I realized how sorry I was for doing such a selfish and immature thing.  I know I have a million and one excuses as to my emotional state at the time, but I should’ve been aware enough to know that they were caught up in something they didn’t ask to be part of and I shouldn’t have made it personal.  I didn’t realize until that moment when the tears were streaming down my cheeks that in my attempt to “erase” the boys from my life I did something so foolish and all I can say is that “I’m sorry”.  Maybe I acted out with a broken heart at the time, but I’m so sorry that I did what I did because I can never know where they were at that point in their lives and how what I did affected them.  Hopefully some day I can talk to them about it but until that time I hope to keep a higher level of outward- focused awareness in these types of situations.

Remember...It's Not All About You

A couple of postings ago, I wrote about sending a sympathy card to my husband’s ex-wife when her mother passed away.  I told you how she obviously misinterpreted that gesture as an entrée for her to initiate phone calls to my husband again after the horrific nightmare she put us through for the last 2 years.  AND, I told you that I knew there would be a next time -  and I was right.

 

A week or so ago, my husband got interrupted just like old times in the middle of his work day about some “emergency” issue that she needed to discuss regarding one of the boys.  But, of course, she couldn’t talk right that minute and had to keep him hanging for 2 hours until she was able to call him back.  In the meantime, my husband called me and we discussed what we felt would be the best approach with her.

 

Well, my husband called me when it was over and said, “It did not go well.”  Apparently, the one boy has been skipping classes and my husband just told her that she was the one that wanted sole custody and took us to court to get that and “her” money and that he had advised her not to take him out of private school, etc.  Of course, it wasn’t what she wanted to hear and basically she told him something to the effect that when her mother was alive she would bounce things off of her and if he doesn’t want to be a dad then fine she won’t call him and hung up.

 

You know, sometimes I can focus so much on the hurt I have experienced as a stepmom, I forget what my husband contends with and that had to cut to the core for a biological parent.  For two years she cut my husband off from what was going on with his children.  She confided in friends or her mother and not their own father regarding their welfare or major decisions they were facing.  Then, when she gets into a jam she expects my husband to be a puppet on a string and when he won’t allow it she pulls the “you’re not a father to them anyway” card.  I don’t understand how someone can be so mean and it makes me angry that she treats him like this.  He loves his children and would do anything for them and I know this hurt.  I know there is nothing I can do to take away her hurtful verbal attacks, but I can reassure my husband that he is a wonderful, loving father and help him put things into perspective.

 

So, I guess what I’m saying in this brief posting is:  it’s very hard being a stepparent especially due to a lack of authority, but remember to be aware of what others are going through as well.  Being the biological parent in a divorced situation is far from pain free.  That person can use just as much emotional support as you at times.

Strive for Child-Like Innocence

When you are a stepmom, it is easy to get caught up in the feeling of being an innocent victim.  Sure, the treatment by your husband’s ex-wife is unwarranted, but let’s face it:  we were adults when we got married, so we obviously had enough life experience to know that nothing is perfect.  On the other hand, it is important to remember that the real victims are the children caught is the crosshairs of a divorce.  Sure, the children can learn to manipulate the situation, etc., etc., but for all intents and purposes, it is not their fault(s) that they find themselves in the situation they are in.

 

Even beyond that, is the child who is the true innocent victim.  In my case, it is the son my husband and I have together.  He and my two stepsons had a great relationship until he was 5 years old.  Fifty percent of the time they were at our house, so for our son, it was a way of life.  Then, when that way of life vaporized because of the lawsuit my husband’s ex initiated, my heart would ache for my little boy trying to make sense of it all.  With little life experience he couldn’t understand why his brothers didn’t come over anymore.  Believe it or not, he figured right away it was their mother (although I am not sure he understood exactly who she was at the time – just the fact that they lived with this other woman and she took them away from him).  I tried to reassure him that they would come around.  But then, days turned into weeks, and weeks into months.  Now, my son was intuitive enough to know that the older boy went off to college and his little mind figured that if he was away from “that woman” then he should be able to talk to him.  He understood that the younger one was still living at home and somehow understood his situation.  My son started to get angry at his oldest brother and began to take out his anger by drawing pictures of him skateboarding or snowboarding and crashing and his head falling off – you get the picture.  Although some of them were pretty funny, I told him that it wasn’t nice to be mean to his brother like that.  I told him that he has every right to tell his brothers how he feels when he sees them.  That didn’t put a stop to it and he would get adamant and say, “But he could call us!”  It was a very trying time.

 

But here’s the amazing thing…after 9 months, the boys finally showed up when their dad was in town one weekend.  I was nervous about seeing them again because there was so much I wanted to say, but couldn’t.  It was tense for both me and my husband.  But our son?  The minute he saw his brothers, it was like they were never away.  He ran to them, hugged them and asked, “Do you want to play?”  Granted, when they left, it was emotional for all of us – especially him.  He cried and didn’t want to see them leave because he had so much fun and didn’t want to have to wait so long to be with them again.  But, I continued to notice that no matter how much time elapsed between visits and how angry or frustrated he would get at not hearing from or not seeing his brothers, every single time he saw them again he showed nothing but complete unconditional love for them. 

 

Maybe I am a little slow, but one day it dawned on me, “Why am I on an emotional roller coaster with the boys yet their brother isn’t?”  The answer was clear:  I needed to just love them.  I needed to forget about my hurt feelings and wanting the boys to acknowledge them.  I made the decision to be happy for the times we can get together and let the other stuff go.  I wanted to be like my son.  And guess what?  The last few months have been better than they have for many years.  I am excited when they are coming over and can’t wait to open the door and see them.  It has been a wonderfully transforming experience for me and I have my little boy to thank for it.  Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t miraculously fixed with the whole situation, but the quality of our family relationship is vastly improved and it is a wonderful thing.  Just one more reason to never give up hope.