There Are No "Firsts"

I have put off writing this posting for a long time because it is very emotional to me.  However, I realize as I talk to more women transitioning into the stepmom role, that I really feel I owe it to them to shatter some illusions that they may bring into their relationships. I compare it to the excitement and fantasy that surrounded your first “real job”.  However, as time went on, situations changed and you went to another job; it was different than the first one.  Yes, there were new people and there were new promises made and the ability to start fresh, but your naïveté was gone the second time around and you knew what it felt like to get you first paycheck (not the first paycheck on your new job), you knew what it was like to make that big presentation already because you had done it before.  You get the point.

Because I am an analytical person, I researched and thought about what I was getting myself into when I fell in love with a divorced man with young children.  But, as I’ve mentioned before, when you are head over heels in love, you tend to lose your common sense.  So, in an effort to help my sisters out, I will try to give you some food for thought on critical milestones in your new relationship especially if you are embarking on marriage.

1) This is not his first marriage.  It may not even be his second marriage (as in my case).  So what you need to be prepared for is even for most first time husbands, wedding planning isn’t exciting for them - so just imagine subsequent weddings.  Other incidental things like picking your wedding date can be a challenge because the month I wanted to be married in he had been married in before and I surely didn’t want him to confuse anniversary dates.  Then there’s the choice of the best man – will he be the same as before?  You will also have to endure many comparisons from his family and friends that had been to the other wedding(s).  While I’m pretty sure it’s meant in a complimentary way, it still takes some wind out of your sails when you want it to be your day and you constantly have to be reminded of her. (But, fortunately in my case I had so much fun at my wedding I never thought of her for a fraction of a second!)

2)  This isn’t the first time he decided to have children.  To me, the thought of having a child was about being so much in love with someone that it was a natural progression in your relationship together.  However, as I got older, I shifted to thinking about adoption and by the time I had met my husband, I really didn’t expect to have a child.  In fact, I looked at the fact that he had children as a plus for me.  But, I distinctly remember when we were dating him telling me that he “could still have children”.  I think I was shocked.  I remember going home and being appalled at the idea of him sharing such an intensely intimate and bonding experience with not one, but two other women and the thought alone kept me from thinking about having a child for a long time.  It was only until he presented it to me as “will you have regrets 10 years from now if you don’t have a child” that I realized it was something that I wanted.

3)  This isn’t his first baby.  Maybe it was the hormones, but when I finally did get pregnant, I expected my husband to be overjoyed.  Instead, when I did the pregnancy test and it finally indicated I was pregnant, when I woke him up and told him, his first sobering words to me were, “life will never be the same.”  It was not with a smile on his face.  Perhaps my situation was unique because it took me so long to get pregnant once we decided to have a baby, but I really thought this was going to bring us closer together; instead, it really took a toll on our marriage for a couple of years.  Don’t get me wrong – he accompanied me to every prenatal visit, but when the baby would kick and I’d get excited and tell him to feel it, he would dismiss it with a “yea, I know what it feels like.”  (BUT, what is even more hurtful than that is when my brother-in-law’s wife was pregnant and they were visiting, my husband saw the way she was acting and asked her if the baby was kicking.  When she said yes, he went over and asked if he could feel and put his hand on her belly.  That was an extremely hurtful moment.) On top of that, you will have to edure the times he will reminisce about holding his first child for the first time.  My husband just talked about that with me a few weeks ago and then apologized to me about it.  I told him there is nothing to apologize for that -- it is totally understandable.

4)  He will invariably forget things that are important to you. Now I know this isn’t isolated to men who have been married before; I think it is a male trait.  Sometimes I can’t believe how my husband can’t remember things that I tell him or dates that are very important to me.  Yet, I remember one little nugget that came out of one day (forget the topic of the conversation – think I blanked it out!)  when he told me how badly his ex-wife tore during childbirth.  AHHHHH!!!!  That is something I don’t want to hear about from anyone other than my best friend, let alone from my husband about his ex-wife!!!!  How can you remember that and forget my birthday?

5)  He has done the whole “Build a Life Together” before. Prior to meeting my husband, I always rented even though I strongly considered and had the financial means to buy a home.  But, I didn’t want tied down and enjoyed the ability to seek opportunities out of state if I desired.  However, when we first met, I had just found a house that was a good opportunity and he convinced me to buy it.  Here I was, anxious, nervous, excited – the whole gamut of emotions surrounding the decision.  When I finally got over the anxiety and was excited to fix the place up, he steamrolled me on a lot of things because he had done it before.  He took a lot of joy out of this experience for me.  Even more so was when I wanted to set up the baby’s room and get furniture – it never happened.  While the ex had Bellini furniture, our son ended up in a co-sleeper and then a cheap bed from IKEA and we never did get a rocking chair.  He still doesn’t have a bedroom set and more than likely will inherit the one we bought my stepsons.  It’s really a moot point and doesn’t matter to me now, but at the time it was bothersome.

These are just a few things that stay in the forefront of my mind regarding getting involved with a man facing his second or third marriage.  It is food for thought and something to process beforehand so you can avoid having to work through anger and resentment while going through these life experiences.  Best wishes!!! 

Comments

[Cecelia]

Thank you for this post. I posed a question on my site yesterday about how to deal with the jealousy of your husband having the "firsts" with someone else (often, someone else who did not deserve to be the "first"). It's a sobering feeling and one that often leaves me feeling hopeless. This makes me feel better that there is someone out there who understands those feelings.

[Realstepmom]

I am glad that by sharing my experiences you don't feel like you are on an island with your feelings. It is hard to deal with jealousy and envy regarding the ex. I found it was consuming too much of my life every day and needed to get beyond it. I reminded myself that I married my husband knowing fully well he was married before and had kids and needed to take responsibility for that. However, being unprepared for what I endured (and still do!)is something that really separates moms from stepmoms. Seriously, I am both and I can honestly tell you from an emotional standpoint stepparenting is much, much more difficult. For me, it is mainly due to the ex. Instead of ruining my day every day becoming bitter and then starting to wonder what was wrong with my husband that he even married that person, I had to move toward forgiving her. I had to come to terms with the fact that she is so unhappy that she really isn't targeting me, she is immature and unable to take responsibility for her life. Forgiving her and communicating better with my husband has had such a positive effect for me. It doesn't mean I want to see the woman; it just means that I can focus on my life with my husband a lot better. Best wishes.