Real Life of a Stepmom

"Screws Loose Theory" Confirmed

A couple of postings ago I wrote about observations from other people regarding how they viewed the ex-wife as having  “screws loose” long before they became the way they are now.  As I mentioned, I realized there was a lot of validity in that observation and actually had a confirmation regarding that theory over Christmas vacation.

 

I’ll just tell it like it happened.  On Christmas Day, my stepsons were over and we were talking about the party we were having the following night. We were having their band play at the party and the older stepson told my husband that “Mom ran into (let’s just call him John) and told him that we were playing at the party and he wants to come over.”  I just sort of ignored it as my husband reminisced about old times with John and how many years it’s been since he’s seen him.  (Just an aside, I’ve heard about this person for all the years we have been together, but never met him.  Basically I was told by my husband that he and John were best friends in grade school).   Well, we finished dinner and the boys were on their way back to practice with their band when my older stepson’s phone rings.  Guess what?  It was John and he wanted to talk to my husband!  So, I see my husband take the phone and walk off.  About 5 minutes went by and I decided to see where he was.  I found him right at the point where he was giving John directions to our house for the following night.  I intervened and told my husband that we really needed to talk this over.  Bless his heart he told John the truth that this was really uncomfortable for me and he needed to talk it over with me first.

 

I reminded my husband of how many times we have been hurt by this woman and if this is one of her friends, it is just too much for me to have him come over and then report back to her about our house, furniture, friends, etc.  He was compassionate to me on two fronts.  First, he understood that I was apprehensive due to everything we have gone through – especially in the last two years.  But, secondly, he reassured me that John is not a friend of hers.  Get this: they just both happened to be at a Christmas Party of a mutual friend and she told John about the party we were having and that the boys were playing at it and he should hear them play.  Did you just read what I just wrote?  SHE told John about a party WE were having and SHE INVITED HIM TO OUR PARTY!!!!!  If that isn’t confirmation of the “Screws Loose Theory” I don’t know what is!! 

 

Needless to say, with the Theory confirmed, I told my husband nothing else needed to be said and to go ahead and apologize to John and have him come over.  Fortunately, I happened to be the one who answered the door when John arrived and I had an opportunity to apologize to him first-hand for judging by association.  And let me tell you a little secret…I also fully prepared myself that she may show up at the party also given how skewed she thinks, but thankfully she didn’t show up (this time)!

 

"Bonus Mom"

I’ve heard this expression used by a Jada Pinkett-Smith in reference to her stepchild with Will Smith.  I’ve also read somewhere that Sandra Bullock is in that realm with her feelings toward her stepdaughter with Jesse James. I read and/or heard these gracious expressions and started to look at myself and wonder if I was just so petty that I couldn’t look at the bigger picture and see myself as a “bonus mom” and approach my stepmom role that way.

 

What I soon realized is that even though I do all that I can to avoid all of the paparazzi and media attention focused on celebrities, I fell prey to the same deluded media that other people do when it comes to wanting to dress like or look like a particular celebrity.  You see, I refuse to buy any “gossip” magazines including People or watch any of the “Entertainment Tonight” genres because my belief is that these feed upon peoples’ insecurities and feed them lies that basically sum up to: if you want to be happy you need to be so thin, so young-looking, dress such a way, wear and color your hair a certain way, live your life a certain way, etc.  As a result, many people emulate the celebrities who fit the “in” statement of the moment and they live vicariously through them.  If only these misguided people would realize that these celebrities are mere people that we only see a snapshot of in their work and really have no idea what they are like in “real life”.

 

It may seem like I am digressing, but here is the point that I am trying to make in reference to my trying to be a “bonus mom”:  that was one comment in an interview for national publication.  What else was the woman going to say, “Being a stepmom is a thankless job I struggle with everyday?”  Of course not!  If I put myself in her shoes, I would never admit the depth of my struggle as a stepmom in a public forum mainly to protect my stepsons; I wouldn’t sugar coat it, but I wouldn’t say it was wonderful.  I would probably lean towards the fact that it is a lot of hard work but it’s worth it for the kids.  Lest I digress again…what I’m trying to say is to be careful what you read and what you believe.  Look at the point of reference for the source.  Before you go doing what I did and beat yourself up for feeling like you were failing in your stepparenting role, realize that every situation is unique and it is unwise to compare yours to someone else’s.  Even if Jada’s stepmom adventure is as wonderful as was portrayed, I have to remember that she is a celebrity and her husband is a mega-celebrity.  I am sure the child’s mother is paid a handsome sum in child support and she also enjoys having her child part of the celebrity family.  So, consider the contrasts before you compare and spare yourself self-deprecating behavior.  Stay on your stepmom path by keeping the best interests of the children (and family) in the forefront and focus on what is working (and sometimes not!) for you and your family. 

"Don't You Think There Were Already A Few Screws Loose To Start With?"

Over the last few weeks, I’ve had several interesting conversations with several women.  These women were not stepmoms themselves, but either had friends or family members who were. What I found most intriguing  was that two women made comments that made me pause several times since then and repeat the comments in my head to the point that I am wondering how or why I have been so thick-headed all of this time.  You see, both women commented on stepmom experiences they have witnessed that were similar to mine – the ex-wife who cheated, was nonplussed about her divorce, but as soon as her ex-husband remarried she “became” the victimized ex-wife.  Interestingly enough, one woman said to me, “don’t you think there were a few screws loose to start with?  I mean, the nuts and bolts were not all there.”  In the midst of a stepmom discussion, I had with another woman, she reflectively ask me, “don’t you think that this behavior existed long before this incident?  Don’t you think that this goes back to even before your husband was married to her?”

 

When posed with these questions, I decided that I had to step back and really be as objective as I possibly could.  When I did, it became readily apparent that these comments were spot on – yes, this “problem” has existed well before the incident that caused the permanent damage to their marriage.  I am starting to realize that these women are in such a quest for a deluded form of love that I really feel sorry for them.  Obviously, this “need” to be loved started in their formative years.  Certainly a lot of women dream of  a fairly tale wedding and marriage to only wake up and refuse to accept that the way they thought it was going to be was a fantasy.  Hence, their quest for “love” continues and an affair is easily justified because they are not getting what they had been promised (even though they don’t realize it was a fantasy that they developed and expected their husband to fulfill).  Needless to say, I could go on and on, but what I was able to derive from this exercise of objectively reflecting on those comments, is that my husband’s ex-wife – and many others – are sad, sad individuals and I actually feel sorry for her and them.  I have honestly forgiven this woman for what she has done to me and other people I love who have been affected by her actions.  My suffering and tears have been – and continue to be – very real because I freely love my stepsons.  But sadly, her suffering and tears – albeit primarily self-inflicted – are a result of an unending quest for “love” and never really understanding that she has had it all along.