When something in life is really going in the wrong direction – whether it is a relationship, a business, etc. –and the decision is made to change the direction things are headed and try to turn them around, I have an analogy I like to use. I liken it to a huge ship in the ocean – when the captain decides to turn around, it isn’t something that happens on a dime. The rudder works really hard to turn the ship and it is a painstakingly slow process that can test patience.
That is where I am with my relationship with my stepsons. I like to think that our relationship is correcting its course after 12 ½ years. I really have to thank their mother because in all of the hardship she has caused us emotionally and financially ,with her being out of OUR picture things have calmed things down considerably. That doesn’t mean that old habits or ways of doing things disappear overnight. What it does mean is that the hope I have been clinging onto is getting stronger and stronger.
I told my husband, “if you draw a straight line a foot long and then use the same starting point but vary it by one degree, you will have a greater separation at the end of that twelve inches. Imagine how much more separation there is from that initial one degree the longer your lines get. That is what happened to my relationship with the boys over the last 12 years.” But, now I have hope. I have been blessed with my husband committing to how my role is perceived by the boys. He has endured many, many hours of me expressing my feelings and even though I know he will never fully grasp the pain I have endured, at least he is making a genuine effort. Since he faced his biggest fear with his ex-wife – getting taken back to court and losing – what more is there that he could lose at this point? I guess he finally realized the one thing he could still lose would be me and our son and I know that is the last thing he wants to see happen.
It isn’t just my husband that has changed; I have too. I have reflected long and hard over things I would do differently if I had to do it over again and written about a lot of them on my blog. So, the way I see it now it that since this prolonged period of separation, I actually can, in a sense, “start over” with my stepsons. And that is what I am trying to do. For example, I am planning a
My husband didn’t get mad – actually he was very supportive. But, he did say that he had to still be careful with what he said to the younger one because he is under 18, but he fully intended to talk with the 19 year-old about it. Furthermore, he actually did tell me that he told the older one that he wanted him to text me (today) and follow-up. I have yet to receive any acknowledgment and we’re into 36 hours later. Now is when it gets tricky….earlier in the day, my husband said that if the older boy didn’t respond to me by this afternoon, he would text him with a firm reminder to do so. Well, I spoke to my husband a little while ago and he told me that he wasn’t it the “right mood” to do it tonight, but he will get his point across tomorrow.
This is where it is challenging for me personally. One part of me wants to just throw my hands up in the air and forget about it. But, the other part will not let that happen again. I am fighting for what is important to me and my self-respect and this time I will not back down. I keep thinking of that “one degree of separation” I referenced at the beginning…if I am going to close that gap, I have to really stand firm to what I want for my family. So, I will have to continue to lovingly impress upon my husband the importance of his bolstering my role to his boys so that they realize that we are a cohesive family unit.
