Real Life of a Stepmom

The Robe

 I am going to tell you something that is not new - guys just don’t get it – or if they do, they have to get hit over the head with whatever it is to finally understand what you’re talking about.  I’ve known that for a long time, but there are still incidents that amaze me and here is one of them:

 

I don’t know about you, but if I had a long-term relationship that ended and subsequently started dating someone else, I would do everything possible to get rid of anything from that previous relationship that could potentially “taint” my new one. When my husband and I began living under the same roof, I quickly learned that he likes to wear a robe 10 out of 12 months of the year even in California.  He had a hideous maroon, gray, and tan plaid robe that I had to see pretty much all of the time.  I don’t remember how or why it came up, but I must’ve commented on how much he liked the robe and he told me that the boys gave it to him for Christmas.  It didn’t take much to figure out that the Christmas prior to that the boys were 3 and 5, so technically speaking, it was his ex-wife who bought the robe for him and just put their names on the name tag. 

 

I tried to be mature about it and kept telling myself, “it’s just a robe”, but EVERY SINGLE MORNING and EVERY SINGLE NIGHT I had to wake up to this freaking robe and the fact that his ex-wife bought it for him.  Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to say something to him.  It was as if I was speaking Chinese – he didn’t get it at all.  In fact, the only thing he had to say was that it was a high quality robe (it was from Nordstrom) and if I could find him another one of the same quality he would be happy to get rid of it.  Great.  So, now I had to either live with this robe or spend $150 on a new one.  So, I tried the latter.

 

I remember one time when my husband was working late and I had my robe in the wash.  I got out of the shower and used his robe and walked out into the living room only to be confronted by two upset little boys.  “Why are you wearing Dad’s robe? That is not your robe!  You are not allowed to wear Dad’s robe.”  I was speechless!  Here I am explaining to a 4 and 6 year old why I am wearing their Dad’s robe and how I am not doing anything wrong.  Trust me, I never did that again.

 

So, year after year goes by, and year after year I have to see The Robe.  Every Christmas morning picture for 11 years – there’s my husband with that ugly freaking robe on.  Every time I brought up how much it bothered me, I got the same response, “Find me another one of the same quality and I’ll get rid of it.”

 

I hated that thing.  I had to see it ten times a day when I walked past the closet where it was hung - it was like she was living in our house.  I even went as far as taking the one edge of the scissors into the seam to tear it in the hopes it would start to fall apart as I washed it.  But, that didn’t work either.

 

But then, it finally happened.  After my husband’s ex-wife sued him and perjured herself which got her a big judgment, he came home one day last year, walked into the bedroom and saw The Robe.  Then, he said, “I can’t stand looking at this anymore because it reminds me of her.  I’m going to get rid of it.”  I watched as he took The Robe, walked down the stairs, and went outside and threw it into the trash.  Talk about poetic justice.

 

So, needless to say, our son “bought” Dad a new robe last Christmas and those were some of the best Christmas pictures we’ve ever had!

 

 

P.S. My husband never reads my postings and actually read this one.  I apologized for the scissors incident and here is what he said, "that only goes to show you the quality of the robe." !!!!!

"In the Best Interests of the Children"

You know, I always took this expression for face value.  Before I delved into step parenting I thought that it had something to do with using the wisdom, knowledge, common sense, values, etc, to provide the best possible environment for your children to grow in.  I also assumed that parenting entailed a lot of self-sacrifice and selflessness.  I would surmise that my interpretation of the children’s best interests had a lot to do with the fact that I was raised in a two-parent family with high expectations of the children educationally, morally, spiritually, etc. Furthermore, after having my own child, I have to admit that I don’t think I was too far off the mark. 

 

What I failed to realize until many years later in my stepmom role was that there are two distinct interpretations of “in the best interests of the children.”  While the above paragraph describes one way – perhaps the ideal way of looking at it; the other interpretation unfortunately seems to be the real way of looking at it when you are dealing with children from a “broken home”.  The children are not the broken part – it is one or both of the parents.  In addition, this “broken home” more often than not seeks out a broken family law system to make the determination as to what the children’s best interests are. I don’t know about you, but the last time I ever tried to put two broken things together, neither of them got fixed and they both ended up in the trash.  Quite frankly, that is where the broken home and broken family law system belong.

 

I’ll explain it very simply.  When two people decide that they can’t live together any longer for whatever reason and they have children, if they both can’t be selfless enough to preserve their children’s self-esteem, self-worth, and  the innocence of their youth, then that person or persons has nothing but their own interests in mind.  Compound that with retaining an attorney that works within a system that is nothing short of legalized extortion and a governmental framework for job security for judges, attorneys, mediators, etc. at what point do you think that the children really matter?  Not only from my experience, but from many others that have shared with me over the years, the point of view  of “the best interests of the children” is nothing short of character assassination of one parent in the courtroom and court documentation, taking that parent for all that they can get monetarily, destroying  and/or severely altering family relationships which sometimes leave very young children wondering what happened to their brothers or sisters, and children who then have to straddle the chasm that all of this  “brokenness” created.

 

It is such a heinous system fed by people with broken moral compasses that what troubles me more than anything is what is the next generation going to be like if we don’t put a stop to it?  Actually, I’m hoping for a boomerang effect whereby the children that come through this system today will take marriage and family a lot more seriously than our generation.  A lot of young adults are driven by what they didn’t have at home and yes, a lot of time it is more money, but I also believe it will be happy, healthy relationships.  Furthermore, as with every generation, there are things that your parents did when you were growing up that you vowed you would never do with your children.  I am banking on the fact that this awareness will prevail in the next and future generations regarding the consequences of divorce and there will be opportunities to truly focus on the best interests of the children.  After all, we must consider this: if we believe that the children truly are our future, what kind of legacy do we want to leave? 

The Role of a Stepmom

Having written about stepmom responsibilities a couple of posting ago and all of the related lack of authority, I realize that I should’ve talked about defining our role(s).  With all of the postings I have written, along with any personal experience you have, the first thought you probably have is “there are so many blurred lines, what do you mean by role?”  True, but believe it or not, you have control over this area.  You have the ability to work with your spouse to define your role if for no other reason then to preserve your sanity.  Of course, I didn’t figure this our for many years and when I finally got to a point where the hurt was too much, I had to make some changes and this was one thing I realized that I could build some clarity around.

 

You see, when I finally realized how many variables came into play when I first started being a stepmom, I became overwhelmed but clung to my belief that if I prove that I have the children’s best interests at heart everything will work out.  Now, many years later, I still have the children’s best interest at heart and have eaten my share of you-know-what but have decided I need to quit taking this personally and take as much emotion out of the situation as possible.  As a result, I started to view being a stepmom as one of my jobs.  And, just like any job you work, the role should be defined.  For example, when the children were young I could’ve defined my primary role as caregiver to include tasks such as feeding them, making sure they had clean clothes, helping with homework, and making sure they get to and from school or activities. 

 

Even though my role may have been defined as I described it above 10 years ago, as with any job for any length of time, the role changes.   Just like everything else surrounding a step family union, you need to be proactive.  A “real” job will have periodic reviews and redefining of roles and so should your stepmom “job”.  Children’s needs change as they grow and you adapt parenting accordingly.  You need to revisit this with your husband as you notice these changes occurring.  I cannot over emphasize how you both need to be on the same page with this.  You must communicate to your husband how important it is to you that you understand what your role with his children is at any given time and he needs to acknowledge it.  AND, at any given point in time that you are overwhelmed with the role, you need to talk with him and make adjustments accordingly.  If you both are clear on your role, there will be less conflict with the children in your home and a stronger family relationship for you with less opportunity for their mother to weave her way into your life. 

 

This is the same approach you would take if these were your “own” children with your husband.  You must be unified and adaptive in your parenting and parental roles to be successful.  There is such an unspoken complexity in step parenting roles because parenting in general is hard enough and I just think most people don’t want to deal with another “problem”.  But, the truth of the matter is, if you’re like me, your initial role with your stepkids was probably one of fun and superficiality because they were young and responsive to most adults that were nice to them but this does not mean it will continue.  In my case, as in others, the natural growth that began to occur in our relationship became affected by “unnatural” happenings behind the scene.  When stepkids have an insecure parent in their other home who bombards them with questions about their visit with you and their dad they will freely answer those questions in their innocence when they are young.  After a while, it becomes a natural thing for them to the point that they know it is so important to that parent they may actually use the information to manipulate as they grow older.  However, no matter what, subconsciously the children “realize” something must be “wrong” with their stepmom because of all the questioning.

 

This is why role needs continued clarification based on the behind-the-scenes activities and the changing needs of the children.  I would strongly suggest family meetings with everyone and be very clear on who is responsible for what, the communication channels, etc.  I believe that this would alleviate a lot of confusion and best of all emotional distress for the step parent.  Let’s face it…dad is dad.  Dad was there the day they were born and no matter what a court rules, no matter what geographical distance or length of time between visits, your husband can always stand firm on that indisputable fact.  My role?  Right now, I am “Dad’s wife”.  Maybe I have been in that role longer than I care to admit and caused myself a lot of anguish but not accepting it.  I will always think of my stepsons as my sons.  However, to stop beating myself up I think of us as long-distance relatives right now who see each other every once and a while and have a good time but no commitment on when we’ll see each other again.

 

My role as a stepmom may be in limbo, but my anchor remains my biological son where I am mom no matter what.