Real Life of a Stepmom

It Never Ends Part II

This is one of those times when I just wish certain people (i.e., my husband’s ex-wife) would just grow up.

 

If you have followed my postings, you will know how I have struggled over the years - especially the last two – with the relationship with my stepsons.  I have tried every strategy possible to stay open-minded and open-hearted despite terribly hurtful circumstances and situations that affect not only me but my biological son.  I have become accepting for the most part of the infrequent communication knowing that I have not waivered in my love for them and neither has my son.  Mind you, that doesn’t mean that we don’t get frustrated or hurt or angry over the current situation, but we have realized that it is easier to carry the love in your heart than unresolved anger which is not in the best interests of any of the parties involved.

 

BUT, what this blog is about is regarding another incident where, with the age of my youngest stepson, you would think it would be a nonissue.  You see, this young man has an incredible talent as a drummer which was apparent as early as 11 years old.  Well, now that he is 16, he was old enough to enter a national drum contest.  On Thursday, he made the cut to the next competition which will be on October 15.  While where he will be playing is local and his older brother informed my husband that they want me and their little brother to be there, I don’t think that it is possible.  I would love to go and I am sure my stepson would love the additional support.  But, I have to actually think about what is in his best interests.  On one hand, it would be such a healing thing for us to all be together for this experience, but that would require ALL of us to be mature and selfless about it.  Unfortunately, I can’t rely on their mother to do that.  She more than likely will be so threatened by my appearance at the venue her venomous reaction would end up being toxic for my stepson and potentially compromise his performance.  (Remember, in her mind, I have no right to be there because SHE is THE MOM and especially in this circumstance I would potentially steal her “thunder”.)  My husband is on the fence about it (he can’t be there) and says he will talk to the boys.  Part of him feels that as a performer he needs to be able to overcome fears, but the other part acknowledges that she will be so affected by my appearance that it will inevitably have an effect on him.  Right now, I am planning on not attending but giving my love and support from afar with him knowing that we will be praying for him during his performance.  But, once he makes it to the next stage, I will be going no matter what.  First of all, the venue will be larger and I can blend in the back hopefully undetected by her.  And secondly, more than likely my husband will be able to go and that way in her mind my role shifts from the threatening “stepmom” to the “ex-husband’s wife” which is a role that she can apparently tolerate more easily in her mind.

 

An Ex-Wife Is Like A Zombie

With the opening of “Zombieland” over the weekend, it reminded me of what I learned a while ago about ex-wives, hence the title of this posting.  Of course, I will issue a disclaimer here to let you know that I am not saying every ex-wife is like this.  I am just speaking from my personal experience in having to watch and be affected by my husband’s ex-wife over the years. I would primarily characterize his ex-wife as someone who is unable to take responsibility for (bad) decisions she has made and ultimately will blame someone else and portray “the victim”.  Again, please note that I am not saying that she doesn’t love her boys or try to be a good mother; I am talking about a major trait that makes up her character.

 

If you are involved with a man who has an ex-wife who plays the “victim” persona the majority of time, you too will find out that “victimitis” is the virus that infects these women to make them zombies and you better be aware of it.  Case in point…just when you think that you’ve got everything in a groove that seems to be moving along smoothly, (i.e., the kids are doing well in school, money issues have been working, visitation is working, etc.) the zombie will come back to life.  It is completely unpredictable and happens on a whim when the virus flares up and decides to incite her that she is being treated unfairly in some way, shape, or form and more than likely the only thing that will make it subside is usually an infusion of cash.  In our case, I think the only thing that will kill off the zombie this time is for us to lose everything (house, car, etc.), give her every last dime we can spare beyond living like paupers, and also pay her some ungodly lump sum that would hopefully last until the youngest kid is emancipated from my husband for child support.  The problem is, we can’t kill the zombie because it is financially impossible for us to come up with this lump sum – we can only make payments over time - so we continually have to live with the zombie reappearing.  Most recently, it came in the form of a subpoena (again) in an effort to get the lump sum of money we are supposedly hiding.  My husband explained to her that she is getting what we are able to give right now in payment form and there is nothing else available for us to get her what she wants so she will have to live with that arrangement for now.  Even with that, we are still being taken to court and having to expend more money we don’t have for an attorney that if she actually thought about it could potentially be money that could go to her.

 

The main point here is this:  be aware of whether or not your husband’s ex-wife has the victimitis virus.  If she does, be prepared for the zombie to appear time and time again.  If I were aware of this years ago, I would’ve prepared myself with the best defense possible: documentation, documentation, and more documentation.  DO NOT GET LAZY.  Remain diligent and keep binders of every year and receipts of every expenditure on the children and every dime that you give to her.  As you write checks for the kids and/or to her make it a habit to get copies of the cancelled checks on a monthly basis and put them in the binder along with your bank statements.  If you deviate from what the court order says on anything put it in writing and have her sign it. See an attorney once a year to consult on what you are doing or not doing and what you need to do to protect yourself.  You will say that you cannot afford to do that just like we did – or say that you don’t want to risk making her mad and appear that you don’t trust her word, but take my word for it – you can’t afford not do to this.   A few hundred dollars is nothing compared to the tens of thousands you will spend to go to court AND if she is getting miffed at signing something you both verbally agreed on, think about it – she isn’t being honest anyway so who cares if she gets mad about you consulting an attorney.  Just remember, money comes and money goes, so if you take your chances and end up as we did holding the short end of the stick, so be it.  BUT, the relationships you’ve built with your stepchildren shouldn’t have to go but they often do when these situations get ugly and trust me on this, it is nothing you want to experience for yourself, your biological child, or your stepchildren.  No amount of money in the world can replace the time that is lost or repair the hurt, and you can’t expect a zombie to figure that one out.