The building block of stepparenting really begins with a complete understanding of what is means to have Responsibility With No Authority (RWNA). This does not mean that you will ever accept it; but understanding that it is a given and not a variable in the problem you are seeking a solution to helps to some extent. In case you are new to stepparenting, you may not be aware of what RWNA is all about. The best way I can describe it is with the following examples. As a stepmom (I can’t speak to stepdads although I am sure a lot of responsibilities crossover), you will find that you quickly become responsible for: cooking dinner for everyone, packing lunches, doing laundry for your stepkids, helping with homework, commuting to school, and babysitting because no one else can do it. For me, this was within the first two months. Within the first six months, in addition to what was already mentioned, I found I was further responsible for taking care of the kids when they were sick at my house (to the extent of taking time of work to get them to doctor’s appointments), buying them clothes and other things they needed at my house, and getting them to all of the extracurricular activities they were signed up for on the weekends or evenings when their dad is working. As the years went by, my responsibilities further increased to what any full-time biological mom would be doing (I can speak from experience on this because I now have a six year old of my own) including covering my stepsons on my medical insurance, paying their medical and dental bills, and supplementing tuition payments. Now, let me step aside for a moment and tell you that I wasn’t forced to do any of these things. I did them because I took my role as a stepmom seriously and was doing what I felt I should do for these boys whether they were “mine” or not. I do not regret for a minute what I did because I love my stepsons and it never crossed my mind not to do it. However, what I didn’t realize after years of doing this, as far as their mother was concerned, I had no say whatsoever in major decisions that affected the boys’ lives. As far as my husband was concerned, it wasn’t that he didn’t give me authority, but due to the nature of the triangular relationship I referred to in my early blogs, he was always juggling trying to placate her that the boys interpreted it as he and their mother were the team. So, in essence, I was just a glorified housekeeper and benefactor. I had often felt from the beginning that I wasn’t allowed to discipline the children beyond anything that may cause them physical danger at the moment. I also found that what I felt were heart-to-heart talks were oftentimes just exercises in being courteous for my stepsons and that my advice was not wanted. The full realization that I had no authority came when I found out through my husband that my older stepson was enrolled in a private high school that we knew nothing about. We had been visiting schools and this particular school was never brought up. Their mother completely violated the court docs where neither parent was allowed to unilaterally decide on a private school. My husband and I were very upset about this not only because of the secrecy in which it was done, but in the effect it was going to have on our relationship with the older boy. Just our one-way school commute was going to go from 18 to 28 miles. I was upset about this for quite a while and finally told my husband that I was going to write her a letter and tell her how I felt. I wrote it, let him read it, edited it based on his suggestions and then mailed it. I found out real fast that I had “no right” to say what I did and she has indicated her hatred of me (see posting “She Doesn’t Deserve to Be Called Mom!”) because of it. Worse yet, my husband asked me what I was thinking when I mailed it because the written word can be so misinterpreted. I was stunned because I reminded him that he reviewed it and I incorporated his suggestions and all he said to that was, “I didn’t think you were actually going to mail it.” Talk about feeling like you had IDIOT permanently tattooed on your forehead. What was I thinking? Gee, that I may have a right based on everything I contribute to voice my opinion. WRONG!! So, thanks to myself, my interaction really got severed. Calls no longer came to the house – only to my husband’s cell phone. As I mentioned before, when there were things that I was responsible for regarding the boys when they were at our house and she needed to know something about it, she would either work through the boys or my husband but never me. The epitome of it all was the lawsuit from last year when I learned that no legal relationship whatsoever exists between me and my stepsons (see post on “Validation”). That was the most hurtful of all and continues to be. When the California Family Law System basically says that your relationship doesn’t matter and abides by it, it is surreal especially after so many years. So, what it the solution? I don’t have one – I just have the ability to raise your awareness as a stepparent. As far as my situation goes, I continue to have faith and have put it in God’s hands.
