Real Life of a Stepmom

Visitation Follow-up

Last posting I told you about my stepsons coming to visit since my husband was back in town for a long weekend.  It was good to see them; they are getting so handsome and are very personable.  It warmed my heart to see our biological son over-the-top excited to play with his brothers.  He was really amped up and trying to cram everything in.  After dinner one night, as soon as the boys sat on the couch, the little one was trying to get them to wrestle.  Right away, my husband told him no that everyone was full from dinner.  He started to cry and I finally had to say something.  I said, “You know, he is so excited to see the boys and has missed them so much that he is just trying to get everything in at one time.”  My older stepson looked at me with a stunned look as if he never thought that a 6 year old had feelings.

 

The weekend was very draining emotionally.  I was happy for my husband after having spent time alone with them a couple of months ago; it was good for him to continue with that bonding.  As for me?  I guess the best way I can explain it is this:  you know when you are dating someone and you start venturing out and meeting each others’ friends?  I’m talking specifically when you are with your boyfriend around his friends.  They’re polite to you, but the conversation is directed toward him and they are primarily interacting with him.  They are cordial enough when you try to interject into the conversation, but body language, etc. is more focused on your boyfriend.  That’s what it felt like to me.  They were nice enough to me, but there was no depth.  I feel very much like “Dad’s wife” and not even a stepmom!  But, to tell you the truth, I didn’t set any expectations for my own relationship with them, so it is a nonissue.

 

What was really hard was when the boys left.  My little one tried to keep up the brave front and pulled it off for about 5 minutes and then broke down bawling his eyes out.  Talk about ripping my heart out.  It was one thing at 18 months old when I would drop them off after the week with us and I would see his bottom lip quivering because he didn’t want them to leave.  That was difficult enough, but at least they would be back in 7 days.  Now, I have no reassurances to give him as to when he will see his brothers again.  In fact, just this morning he asked me, “When am I going to see the boys again?”  I told him, “I have no idea.  It could be a while and I know it doesn’t seem fair.” He paused for a moment and said, “The boys are only going to come over when Dad comes home, right?”  I said, “Right.”  And he just said, “I wish Dad would stay home for 7,000 days.” Just remember, the judge from the family law court felt that it wasn’t necessary for the boys to have a relationship with their little brother beyond the way it is arranged now.  I wish someone could explain to me how that is in the best interests of the children.

 

So, as we were all sorting through our emotions Saturday evening after my stepsons went home, we decided to jump in the car to grab something quick through the drive-thru.  No sooner than my husband opened the garage, he and I both got served to go back to court because apparently we are hiding money somewhere.  Funny thing is, I was blatantly told by an attorney when my husband was first sued last year that stepparents have no legal rights.  Nothing that I did or contributed financially for 11 years mattered, but now I am required to appear in court and produce all of my personal and business records.  Go figure.  What a weekend!  Talk about icing on the cake!  

 

Cautiously Optimistic

Well, I have to admit I am a little nervous.  As I mentioned, my husband has been working out of state for a year and a half and the only opportunity I have to see my stepsons is when he is back in town.  So, today our son and I are going back home and my husband is coming with us for a few days.  Needless to say, this means that I will be seeing my stepsons again. 

 

This has been very hard for me.  If you have read any of my other postings, I have had them in my life since they were 4 and 6.  They are now 16 and 19.  We had them 50% of the time for 10 years, but with my husband being away and their mom suing him, they are “not allowed” to come over unless he is present.  I have worked through my anger of not understanding why they couldn’t just stand up to their mother and tell her that they wanted to see their brother as well as the sadness that perhaps we just didn’t mean as much to them as they did to us.  I have had to explain repeatedly to my 6 year old why his brothers don’t come over but they still love him and to tell him that it is not nice to draw pictures of his older brother falling off his skateboard and losing his head.  Of course, he needs to express himself somehow – let’s face it, I’m an adult and don’t understand it.  More so than myself, I am protective of him being hurt any further.

 

So, tomorrow my stepsons are supposed to come over and spend the night – and maybe even two.  My son and I have not seen the younger boy since April and the older since January.  I have a million questions swimming through my mind.  Will they interact with me or hang out with their Dad?  Will their mother have influenced them so much that the tension is insurmountable? Will they spend time with their brother to reassure him that they love him?  Will we dare broach any of the hurt we have all been experiencing or pretend that everything is fine?  Will we discuss life or have the usual superficial conversation we usually have which entails the boys talking about what movies or places they’ve gone to recently?

 

I really can’t believe that I am experiencing anxiety over this – as much or perhaps even more than when I used to speak in front of thousands of people!  I think it’s because this relationship means so much to me and I am not sure where they are coming from. I guess it is like having someone dump you that you were really in love with – you’ve run into them a couple of times over the last year and exchanged pleasantries, but now you are actually having a date with them after all this time. I guess now I am wondering if they want to “get back together” or just remain “friends”.  Of course I hope for the former with all my heart and realize that our relationship will have changed.  I know that it can’t go back to the way it was and I think that is a good thing.  I am sure we will have to start out with baby steps to rebuild and repair things.  I know it may take a lot of time and I pray that my family will be restored one day and my husband and I won’t have to watch our son cry when his brothers leave because he has no idea when he will see them again.  I’ll keep you posted….

Ph.D. in Manipulation

One of the things I have referenced throughout my other postings is having to constantly deal with the manipulation of my husband’s ex.  The manipulation can range from blatant to subtle and the whole gamut in between.  As I said before, my husband’s ex could teach an entire curriculum on the subject.  Some of the techniques include: using the “single mom” angle with friends, family, school, always calling their Dad on his cell phone and circumventing any interaction with me thus showing the kids I have no “weight” in their relationship, asking the kids if they had fun at Dad’s house repeatedly until they finally say “no” and then telling us they don’t want to come to our house because it’s “no fun”, etc., etc.  I think you get the picture.  In my situation, I have had to accept that this just comes with the territory and unless she has a major life-changing event or revelation she will always be like this and will always employ these tactics and continue to hone her skills even further. 

 

The troubling part of this is how she fails to realize (once again) that children learn by example and begin to model behavior they are repeatedly exposed to.  I have discovered through discussions with other stepmoms that this is not isolated to my situation.  In fact, it seems that when more than one child is involved, there will be one of them who is closest to their mom that will try to ensure they stay in favor with her by any means possible.  What this usually entails is behaving like their mother thus garnering her approval and support that much further.  Sadly, the kids don’t realize the trap they have been snared into.  Don’t get me wrong – every child is exposed to and tries to employ manipulation throughout their lives.  My son was observing and testing this technique just by what he picked up in kindergarten from other 5 year olds.  The key here is testing.  And as a parent, I believe that it is my role to instruct that this behavior is unacceptable and not tolerated and teach him of the consequences if he tries to behave this way.  Of course, as children grow into pre-teens and teens, just based on their extended circle of exposure they can get craftier with their manipulation.  It is one of the most challenging areas of raising teens.  Again, it is to be expected and I believe, corrected.  AND, there will be times that you won’t even realize you were manipulated until after the fact and when that happens, you need to call them on it. The point I am making is no matter what, you will have to deal with the subject of manipulation throughout your child rearing, but in my situation, in the background they have a mother condoning and even encouraging the behavior with some convoluted thinking that she is “winning” at something.

 

Let me give you a couple of personal examples.  As I mentioned before, our schedule for over 10 years was 7 days on, 7 days off.  During the 7 days with their mother, my husband did not interfere with what they were doing.  However, during the 7 days with us, their mother would call every night (usually the boy that was in her favor) on their cell phones at times when she knew they would be in their room doing homework and start asking questions like, “what did you do today?”, “is there anything new?”, “did you have to do your laundry?”, etc.  I think you get my point.  Although the questions seem innocent enough on the surface, they planted the seeds to grow into ammunition further down the line to support the “no fun at Dad’s house”, “they’re spending money on things and I should be getting the money, that’s why I always have no money”, “you shouldn’t have to do chores”….  I believe that pretty much every divorced family experiences this kind of game-playing and you need to rise above it or it will brew anger that will just end up exacerbating the situation.  I know that sucks, but you have to learn to “pick your battles”.  Read on.

 

When the boys hit high school, it was an adjustment for everyone.  Their mom was struggling with disciplining the older one and his grades were not what they should’ve been.  She got my husband involved and subsequently he got me involved.  One of the things we did was draw up a contract with the boys and write down expectations and various consequences if one or more of the expectations weren’t met.  There was also a financial incentive if they exceeded the expectations.  We all signed these contracts.  Funny thing is, when they exceeded the expectations, we kept our end of the bargain and paid up (not their mom - remember, she has no money).  But, the time the older boy failed on 3 out of 4 expectations on the contract regarding his final grades which clearly stated that he would not play football the following year, he employed the manipulation that ultimately resulted in affecting our family relationship to this day.  He refused to accept what he had agreed to, wrote a letter to himself expressing just that (which I found on his desk), and solicited help from his mother.  Believe it or not, he was able to manipulate the master manipulator to go to bat for him against his father.  It was very ugly and very painful.  The way they treated my husband and the lies she said to him to support her son’s cause were atrocious.  As a third party observer, the way she allowed her son to show such blatant disrespect to his father was unbelievable.  At this juncture, when I was alone with my stepson, this was the first time I ever confronted him since I knew him (9 years) to inform him of how disappointed I was and that he needed to apologize to his father.  He didn’t get it.  I told him that the end doesn’t justify the means and he disagreed with me!  I explained that the fact that he went against his father was going to affect his relationship for a long time.  He just didn’t get it.  

 

This is a sad reality in divorced families with moms who just can’t take responsibility for the role that they played in the failure of their marriage.  Perhaps you are fortunate enough to have your stepkids’ mom listen to reason from your husband and wake her up to the fact of what she is doing to the kids.  Or, perhaps your husband can begin addressing this manipulation with the child when it starts to escalate and nip it in the bud.  Personally, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with giving concrete examples to a child when they hit high school of instances when their mother used manipulation and it was the wrong way to go about it.  You don’t have to cap on their mom; you can just use an example they are familiar with, spell out the consequences of that manipulative incident, and provide an example of what would’ve been a better way to go about it.  I try to employ in my daily life no matter where it takes me, to “treat others the way you want to be treated”.  Try to instill this in your children and stepchildren.  It is very simple, very powerful, and easy enough for a young child to understand.

 

"I'm a Single Mom"

If there is one thing that becomes increasingly irritating over time as a step mom is seeing how many divorced women who have plenty of help from their ex-husbands (and many cases their new wives) play the “Single Mom” card.  This has been the case with my husband’s ex from Day One.  Even when we had the kids 50% of the time, we had to constantly endure the violin playing about “how hard it is as a single mom”.  There were times we would be at school functions or meetings when she would portray this image to others with us right next to her and act as if we were visiting distant relatives that she just invited to the event. I don’t think that it bothers my husband – or if, in fact if he would’ve ever been aware of it if I never brought it up. 

 

One of the things that irritate me is the blatant misrepresentation of the expression when the kids actually have two “moms” that are raising them. It is just another tool from the Manipulation Toolbox.  This is their way to perpetuate the distorted view they want to project that they are victims.  Perhaps they think that people will feel sorry for them and “help” them out.  I know in the case of my husband’s ex, she has perfected the role over the years and could probably make a career teaching other people her techniques.  Through this manipulation, she has gotten paid vacations for her and the boys, places to live, free babysitters, free meals, and other people to take the kids to school during her week just to name a few.  Through all of this selfish behavior, there is no consideration for what this is teaching their children.

 

The other thing that bothers me about the “Single Mom” credo is that with the overused misrepresentation of this expression, real single moms are short-changed in our society.  What do I mean by this?  Well, one of my best friends is a real single mom of twin 6 year old girls.  Since the girls turned 2, my friend has been completely on her own to provide for them in every way.  She gets no financial support from her ex, has no family that helps her out, and really only has me to help out in a pinch.  She juggles a very stressful job so that she makes enough money to provide food and shelter for them, daycare, healthcare – you name it.  When her company schedules a 6:30am meeting and she tells her boss that she is unable to get there in time because daycare doesn’t open until 6:00am and she has to leave at 5:30am to get to the meeting in time, he doesn’t want to hear it.  He, like every other boss she has worked for, is so conditioned to the fictitious single mom expression that his response is, “Can’t their dad watch them?  Don’t you have family to watch them?” etc.  The point is, very few people truly know what a real single mom is and how much they sacrifice thanks to the diluted version many divorced moms with ample support project.

 

Unfortunately, this is another subject that I bring up that I have no solution to.  I am putting it out there not just to validate what other step moms are experiencing, but to raise the awareness and sensitivity to the real single moms who are struggling to provide for their children while trying to be not just mom, but dad as well.

"It Never Ends"

The funny thing is that I believed my husband when he said that once the kids were 18, things would get better and that we wouldn’t have to deal with all the issues that cause so much stress in our lives.  I lived with that illusion for a while and had the first crack put in it by someone at a work function who was married for a second time to someone with children.  As we were talking about stepkids, I said, “Well, it’s only until they’re 18.”  She stopped and looked me in the eye and said, “It never ends.  My step-daughter is 26 and married and it is worse than ever.”  I didn’t want to believe it and filed it in the back of my mind as something that was an isolated incident.

 

Well, here I am, several years later with stepkids that are 16 and 19.  I have to say that it is still a very constrained - and strained - situation.  Obviously, we have to be very careful with what is communicated in front of the younger one until he graduates from high school.  That isn’t much of a problem because my son and I don’t see him but a day here or there when my husband is back in town.  My husband has some discussion with him over the phone, but it is minimal.  I guess the point I am trying to make is that in my wildest dreams I never realized a mother could be so selfish and unhappy with her life that she would manipulate her own children (with support from the court system) to “prove” to herself that she is the better parent.  In essence, she has created a situation where the boys are held captive by her because she feeds the selfishness that teens all possess (and she is all too familiar with) to a degree that the alternative of going against that and spending time with their “other” family becomes a distant thought.  I think at first the thought of us was there, but without the support and encouragement from their “real” mom to pursue the relationship, there was too much fear of the repercussions.  These repercussions can be anything from tears making them feel as if they are hurting her or words that they don’t love or appreciate everything she does for them.  Essentially, it almost seems as if she has drawn a line in the sand and said, “If you cross this then I won’t love you anymore.” 

 

What I have found it that this situation is not unusual.  As I communicate with more stepmoms, I find that this is a common theme.  My husband and I actively work to keep our hearts from hardening, but it does get more challenging as the kids get older and you begin to wonder if they will ever wake up to the reality of what has been going on.  In our situation, we are beginning to think that it will be several years – perhaps not until they have families of their own – before they break away from the selfish way of life they have been raised in by their mother and have insight into what we have endured.  But, then again, it may never happen.  So, what do you do?  I have found that there is only one thing that I can do.  I love these boys and I would love to have a “real” relationship with them.  I keep on loving them and praying for guidance on how to work through things.  In the meantime, I am tolerating a visit here or there throughout the year where we talk about superficial things and say “good-bye, love you” and have no idea when we will see them again even thought they only live 18 miles away.  I talk to my 6 year-old about it.  I let him know that teenagers can be very selfish and caught up with their friends and that doesn’t mean they don’t love him.  I try not to validate his anger toward their mother when he says that it is her fault they don’t come over.  I help him work through the anger towards his older brother because he is intuitive enough to know that this brother went away to college and was on his own and has the freedom to come over without permission from his mother.  Maybe that is what I am supposed to be doing right now –being the best mother to my biological son and preparing him now for his teenage years so that he is able to think of others instead of just himself and teaching him to accept that others may hurt you, but you can learn to work through it without placing blame on others.  If only I could teach that to they boys’ mother….