Real Life of a Stepmom

She May Still Be In Love With Him

I have never been the jealous type in any of my relationships. So, when friends, etc. over the years would listen to various goings on in my step parenting situation and comment that “she’s still in love with him”, (“him” being my husband and “her” being his ex-wife) I would just shrug it off.  It was just something that I never thought about and considering that the circumstances that ended their marriage had to do with her infidelity; I dismissed any of these comments and felt that these were people that watched too much daytime television in order to come up with these ideas.

 

But, for some reason, after 12 years, one small incident happened recently that made me think, “They may be right after all!”  My husband has had no interaction with his ex for 1 ½ years except through attorneys. A couple of months ago, his oldest son was visiting him and over a couple of weeks of doing a particular thing the way his dad told him vs. the way his mom had told him, a problem he was having significantly improved.  When my stepson brought the improvement to her attention and told her that it was because he was doing such and such instead of what she recommended, she commented back, “That sounds like something your dad would say.”  That did it for me.  I know what you’re thinking…that was nothing, how could that change what you thought?  Well, I don’t know how or why - call it women’s intuition - but that said it all to me.  For some reason, the fact that she was bothered after all these years that her ex-husband’s advice yielded better results than hers did and wasn’t just focused on her son’s situation being improved just seemed wrong. 

  

 

Then flashbacks from the past started to point in the direction people had suggested for years.  Again, why the anger all these years later especially after you cleaned our clocks in court over a year ago and are getting more money than you should, don’t have to communicate with him, have your kids to yourself and don’t have to let them see me or their brother, etc., etc.?  Is it because she still hasn’t gotten over him?  I am realizing now that this is a very strong possibility.  I am beginning to think that she believed that he would never leave her especially with how young their two boys were.  I think that she knows how forgiving my husband is and that she thought he would forgive her indiscretion and go back to their family (after he tired of me because I am sure she thought I was just a rebound relationship).  Could that be why when she got dumped by her lover that she cheated on my husband with she called to cry on his shoulder?  She cried and couldn’t believe that he was also sleeping with other women besides her?  Why would you call the husband that you cheated on to console you regarding the man you were cheating on him with?  Could it possibly mean that she hoped he would take her back because he felt sorry for her?  What about the picture of my husband and his brothers she displayed in her living room years after their divorce as if they were still her family?  Why not have the boys keep it in their room?  Why rekindle your relationship with your ex-mother-in-law so that she chooses a relationship with you instead of her new daughter-in-law?  Why, when going to the boys’ football games and I was with my husband, she would have one of the boys come over to tell us there was no room to sit where they were yet when she knew he would be going alone she would call him on his cell to tell him where they were sitting so he could join them?  Why after our son was born did she really stop talking to me?  Was it hard for her to accept that he had another family now and she finally realized he wasn’t coming back?  Why at that point did she quit calling the house and only call him on his cell phone and pretend I didn’t even exist?

 

 

You see, I could go on and on, but the behavior over the years displays actions that have attempted to get closer to my husband in some way with me out of the picture.  What do you do about it?  Believe me, I have no answers and honestly I don’t really care.  It kind of helps me to make some sense as to why she dislikes me so much if, in fact, she really is still in love with him.  I really only brought this whole thing up because it is yet another variable you may have to contend with as a stepmom.  And, in the end, if what I assert is true, I really, truly feel sorry for her because the prime of her life is just passing her by while pursuing a fantasy that will never come to fruition but only continued frustration.

Some Basic Help for Stepmoms

Do you sometimes feel that you wish you could wake up and be living a different life?  Do you feel like there is no one that understands what you’re going through?  Do you feel completely misunderstood and unjustly maligned?  Do you spend a lot of time crying alone?  Do you have anger well up inside you because you feel so helpless or viewed as “the enemy”?  Do you ask yourself, “would I do this all over again”?

 

As a stepmom, these are just a few thoughts that could swim through your mind several times a day every single day. The million dollar question is: what can you do about it so it doesn’t take over your life?  There is no magic wand you can wave and make it all perfect, but I believe there are some fundamental things you can do to make it a little better.  I came up with these suggestions by the lessons I have learned through hard-earned experience over the past 12 years.

 

1)  Set your priorities straight.  Very simply, realize this:  you met their father and fell in love with him and married him.  Therefore, make sure you nurture your marriage first and foremost.  I realize that there are going to be situations where once you get married it seems as if your husband only married you so he had a caretaker for his children. But remember that was not why you got married.  Make that clear to your husband both verbally and in your actions.  If you make your husband a priority over his children, I believe that he will feel supported enough in his situation as a divorced father (with all the threats of legal action, verbal abuse, etc. from his ex) that he will support you better as a stepmom.

 

2) Be true to yourself.  You need to have enough confidence to stand up for what you believe in.  This means several things on different levels.  For example, you may be told by relatives, in-laws, etc. that you need to just accept certain treatment or situations.  As with anything in life, it is always wise to “pick your battles”, but as a stepmom, you can’t allow things that go against your beliefs to start becoming the norm because you get worn down.  You need to “fill yourself up” (as my doctor once told me) with what makes you feel happy and whole.  That means if you need to get a workout in to make you feel good and recharged instead of shuttling the kids yet again to one of their commitments, you make sure it happens.  These children have a mother and a father and other relatives who can watch them – and would be watching them - if you weren’t around.  Remember that and don’t feel guilty about it like I did.  Don’t be so self-sacrificing that resentment starts to build.  Look at what their “real” mother is doing for herself compared to you and if you see that she is doing inordinately more, you need to make some changes.  I’m not saying to be selfish; just smart.  Suffering and sacrificing in silence only builds resentment.  It is O.K. to say “no”.

 

 3)  Don’t take it personally.  You may come to the same conclusion that I did after much agonizing, that it really isn’t you that his ex and/or your in-laws don’t like; it’s the position you fill.  The sooner you realize this and come to accept it; the better it is for you.  This was one of the hardest things for me to do.  It is difficult to understand how unfairly – and sometimes just plain mean – you can be treated when you are last person who wants to hurt anyone.  I’m sure for me, getting over this had to do with a lack of self-confidence to some degree.  To be honest, I only got on the other side of this sticking point through a lot of prayer.

 

4) Create the expectation and be consistent.  One thing you need to realize is that if you are truly a wicked stepmom, this will be revealed pretty quickly into the relationship so quit using so much energy trying to prove that you aren’t one.  Think about it – you would always be sending the kids off somewhere so they wouldn’t be around, forcing them to eat things they hate, adhering to a military school set of rules, or just plain being mean.  Since you are reading this, I have to assume that you are a stepmom who wants to be the best you can be and genuinely cares for and loves her stepchildren but are struggling with the realities of the situation.  The best thing you can do here is focus on what you have control of, think long term, and do it.  Be loving, supportive, provide guidance, help with homework, teach them how to take care of themselves, and whatever else you deem necessary and be consistent about it.  Think of how you want these children to think of you not only now, but 20 years from now.  This doesn’t mean that you can’t be flexible – you have to be, but believe me, if you can frame what you do for your stepchildren within the amount of control that you are allowed to have, you will be an integral part of their lives because there is so much inconsistency that can arise in divorced families.  If you want the kids to think of you as a glorified housekeeper (major mistake that I did) then focus on taking care of all of their needs and putting great dinners on the table, helping with homework, etc.  I tried to change the image I projected years into our relationship and that was difficult to do.  The main thing is to be consistent with your good intentions, be adaptable, accept that you aren’t their “real” mother, and believe that you are their “bonus” mom.

 

5) Never speak ill of their mother.  Don’t, under any circumstances, speak ill of the children’s mother when they are anywhere in the vicinity of you.  Better yet, if there is something that is bugging you that she did, wait until they are back at her house to talk about it with your husband or friends.  To get it off your chest in the interim, write about it in your journal or to a blog such as this to get the support that you need.  This is critical.  You always want to have the confidence that the children will never be able to say “She said….”

 

6) Focus on being happy and have fun.  Yes, step parenting is fraught with difficulties and it is important to talk about them and have validation and support.  But, it is equally important to talk about the good things and have fun.  I think because there has been such a lack of support for stepmoms in the past, we could easily get caught up in the difficulties.  But, support is out here now which can allow you to vent and then refocus on what you need to do.  Being any type of parent has its challenges, but it also has its benefits. I remember when I was first immersed in this and didn’t know what I was doing.  My 4 year-old stepson was at that age where he was full of compliments to women and easily demonstrated affection for women that were nice to him.  I was blessed with being a recipient of his love.  I remember the first time I had him by myself and had to give him a bath before my husband got home.  I didn’t have any clothes to put on him, so I took one of my husband’s shirts and tied a belt around it to keep it from dragging on the floor.  After I got him situated I said, “There. You look just like a prince!”  And he said back to me, “And you’re a princess and we can get married!”  This is one of those priceless experiences that I will never forget and no one can ever take away from me.  Focus on these benefits and it will reap rewards – maybe not immediately, but be patient.

 

I hope this helps a little bit.  Feel free to e-mail me or comment if you want to discuss anything more specific.

 

"She Doesn't Deserve to be Called Mom!"

I thought that following with the general theme of my last posting; I would address the whole being called “mom” thing.  As I’ve said in previous postings, as the years went by, the fact that the rest of my family was acknowledged as Grandma, Pap-pap, Uncle, Aunt, etc. from the beginning was a dual-edged sword.  It made me feel wonderful that my “new” family became a blended extended family.  On the other hand, while everyone was being acknowledged with endearing names, I was still called by my first name by my stepsons.  Did it hurt my feelings?  Yes and no.  Sure it would’ve been nice to be called mom, but knowing they could not freely do so without repercussions from their “real” mom would’ve taken away from any joy I may have felt.

 

Six years into the relationship with my husband, I gave birth to our son.  Prior to this, my husband’s ex and I at least could have some level of communication if need be regarding the boys either on the phone or if I saw her at a school function.  It seemed as if from the day my son was born, a light went off for her that now her ex has another family and there was no way she would be getting him back now.  Of course, I don’t know that for sure, but basically what little acknowledgement she gave me prior to this of being a part of her sons lives, now had completely evaporated. 

 

Shortly after my son started talking, it didn’t take long before he was mimicking his brothers and calling me by my first name.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, my husband took the boys aside and told them that he would not stand for our son calling me by my first name, so while they were at our house they would need to start calling me mom.  When my husband told me this, I felt that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  As you may guess, the boys did not run home and tell their mom about this news, but they told a friend of their mother’s who wasted no time in getting that news back to her.  So, one Saturday close to Christmas, my husband went to pick up the boys at their mom’s and came back and told me what happened.  With the boys sitting in the living room, she screamed, “She doesn’t deserve to be called mom.  I hate her! She had no right to send me that letter! (more on that in another posting…)”   Of course the boys were rattled when they got to our house and I did my best to smooth things over (why it was my responsibility to do this without my husband was beyond me).  But, the damage was done.  To do this to two young boys basically made them choose where their loyalty would lie – and naturally they would choose their real mom.  Sadly, this magnified the “us against them” way of life she portrayed.

 

So, from the boys’ mom’s perspective, I ceased to exist.  To be treated like this after everything I had done - and continued to do - for “her” boys was extremely hurtful.  I had thought it was bad when I would go pick the boys up at her house and have to endure the ceramic plaque hanging by her front door saying “Home Is Where Mom Lives”.  How many times I just wanted to “accidentally” bump it so it smashed on the ground, but then I would be no better then her.  Now I had to reflect on all of the sacrifices I made financially, emotionally, and physically for the boys and hear “she doesn’t deserve to be called mom” echoing in my head. It was a very lonely place to be.

 

But, I have to tell you, there is some poetic justice that comes about and I’ll give you one example.  As I continued my “non-existent” existence in the ex-wife’s eyes, one day I received a call from my husband because “his” son was at the orthopedics’ office with his “mother”.  Apparently, they were filling out the patient history forms and she got stumped on the question regarding allergies.  She called my husband because she seemed to remember that the boy was allergic to some medication but couldn’t remember which one.  Of course, my husband didn’t know either so he was calling me.  I had to laugh to myself and think, who doesn’t deserve to be called mom now?  Excuse me, but if I don’t know what my son is allergic to at any point in the years he is under my care, please call social services because I would consider myself an unfit mother!

 

So…getting back to the “mom” thing.  I have to be honest, I would’ve loved for the boys to start calling me mom from the beginning, but that didn’t happen.  I appreciate what my husband did for me and that I don’t have our son calling me by my first name.  But, I have to admit every time one of the boys does call me mom, it feels contrived.  I know everywhere else they refer to me by my first name and I would actually prefer it at this point.  If the time came where they felt the pull on their hearts to call me mom of their own free will, it would be music to my ears.  But, at this point, it is just salt in the wounds.  It makes no difference in the love I have for them – it’s just a title.  And I don’t need to be called mom – I’m proud to be a stepmom.

 

 

 

"Sons" or "Stepsons"?

For me personally, this has never been an issue.  When my husband’s boys came into my life, I viewed them and treated them as my sons.  The beauty of it was that every one of my friends, family and even my coworkers treated then the same way.  There were always invitations to my “family” and people that had children of similar ages engaged in conversations about our mutual “kid issues”, etc.  Perhaps because we had the boys 50% of the time and I was so involved with transporting them to and from school, helping with homework, getting them to activities, taking time off from work when they were sick that to other people my role as a stepmom was transparent to that of other moms.

 

When the “how to refer to my husband’s boys” became an issue was mainly when their mother was involved and/or her friends.  It was (and still is) extremely threatening to their mother for them to call me “mom”.  I didn’t really give it much thought until we got married.  During our wedding ceremony, I had included a part where I said a vow to them to treat them and raise them as my own children.  I distinctly remember being in the market with them shortly after the wedding.  The check-out person asked me how old my boys were and I told her (they have a lot of similarities in looks to me so it is not too far-fetched to think they are my biological children).  They were unusually quiet.  When we got in the car, I explained to them that even though I am not really their mother and I’m not trying to replace her, as far as I was concerned when they were with me I considered them my sons and would call them as such.  I told them that I love them as if they were my own and didn’t feel that calling them my stepsons was appropriate.  They seemed to understand, but that didn’t magically have them calling me mom which I didn’t ask them to do.  I think on one hand, they were happy to know how I felt about them, but on the other, they had their mom’s insecurities constantly playing on them making the whole issue something that we really couldn’t address.

 

I continued to call them my sons and will still do so especially when I am with other parents and we are talking about things our children are doing or have done.  The sad part is, thanks to the lawsuit by my husband’s ex-wife over 1 ½ years ago when I was told by my husband’s attorney that I have no say whatsoever regarding my stepchildren because stepparents have no legal rights, things have changed.  Because we have hardly seen the boys since the lawsuit, I find myself referring to them more as my husband’s boys or my stepsons.  It really saddens me, but I think it is a defense mechanism because when you refer to children in those terms, it creates an obstacle of sorts and fewer questions are asked about the children because they figure you don’t have much involvement.  In my heart, the boys are and always will be my sons, but I guess it is too much for me right now to reveal the current situation with them to outsiders so it’s easier to hide behind the “step”.