I am beginning to think that with this being the third posting on this topic, I may want to just write a book about it….
One of the things that never ends for a stepmom is how to handle the hole in your heart. I have discovered that so much of stepparenting in general is taking a good look at where your heart is. In general, if you can put yourself aside and focus on what is best for the children, in a lot of situations, that can get you through. But, there are other times where nothing but leaning on your faith can help you. That’s where I’m at today.
Since we’ve been back in California, I’ve encouraged my husband to spend time with “his” boys. I’ve invited them over for dinner on several occasions, but they haven’t been able to make it, or in one case, completely forgot they agreed to come over. (Needless to say we had enough leftover enchiladas to last 3 days!). While this is hurtful to all of us, this is where “my” son and I suffer in a place my husband cannot understand. Furthermore, for me personally, the sadness I feel is something that I am not able to converse about with my husband. If I would ask him, “What should I do with this hole I feel in my heart from not seeing the boys?” He would tell me that I need to understand that this is what happens in a divorced family and he would probably take it personally somehow that he is failing as the head of the family because I am not “happy”. It’s not that I’m unhappy, it’s just that I feel like I did when we were first together 14 years ago; totally tangential to the relationship he has with his boys.
Is there a solution? I am not sure. I specifically told my husband a few weeks ago that he needs to meet with the boys and their mom because she has been having problems with them. Unfortunately, these problems are a direct result of the lack of boundaries she has given them over the years and she is currently reaping what she has sown. Believe me, I take no pleasure in the state of things whatsoever. There is nothing I want more than for these boys to be all that they can be. But, now I realize what is weird about the whole thing – my husband going over to his ex-wife’s house to sit down for a family meeting – is that no one who has never been through a divorce with children before can realize how pervasive the consequences are. The other night when my husband was at one of those meetings, it dawned on me that I NEVER would’ve imagined 14 years later that I would be at home in the evening with our biological son while my husband was with his “other” family. But, that is the reality of it all.
I am the type of person who always wants to fix broken things. I would love for us to somehow rise above all of the statistics and function as an interactive stepfamily. I am so saddened by what our biological son is learning from this experience. As far as he knows, is “normal” to him seeing his brothers for a few minutes every couple of months while Dad goes and plays family with them and their Mom once a week? How is that going to affect his view of family when he grows up? Can I ever expect to have a mother/son type of relationship with the boys? I don’t know. What I have learned is this: people should not get married and have children if they are not committed to making it work. In this disposable society, you can see how so many children in divorce situations are not even considered because it is all about the so-called adults needing to be happy. All I can tell you is this…I believe that my stepsons and I have more in common than they realize. I think that the feelings of rejection they’ve knowingly or unknowingly experienced as a result of their parents’ divorce are very similar to the feelings of rejection I feel from being excluded from being a family with them. Again, I ask, “What is the solution?” I don’t have the answer. But I will tell you this, prayer works wonders – especially when the focus is on my stepsons. Maybe I can’t tell them what I want to since I don’t see them, but I can pray for them and it really does wonders to heal the wound in your heart.
